Refuse To Lose, Part II

[mymonkeybug]

I find myself snooping everyday. Our cell's are in my name and therefore I access Verizon online everyday, multiple times a day to see how often he calls out or people call in and then when the bill breaks each month I go online and look at the detailed report and fine numbers I don't know and numbers from towns he doesn't know anyone in or at least didn't before he walked out. Not snooping is VERY HARD. I often ask myself why I need to know and I can't come up with a good answer. My problem is that I worry daily about him having an OW which he swears he doesn't and that this is about him and finding out who he is and beig fulfilled by doing the things he never did when we were in our 20's like clubbing and partying. He says he has no interest in sex or women right now just the party life. Well while I want to believe there isn't anyone else it is very hard. Anyway, I work everyday to correct this behavoir as it goes against all DB'ing but it is still a struggle.

I am most bothered by the fact that I am the one who is now ledt at home to continue to be mommy but now also have to play daddy while he runs out and has his MLC and fulfills his own selfish needs. I don't mean that I mind being home and mommy but when there was a partner at home every night with you and helped you by doing his daddy thing with the kids and that is suddenly gone and you are the one left consoling crying children to sleep at night it drains you and makes it so very hard to continue to DB when your babies hurt so badly from what daddy has done.

WOW, RTL, sorry to get off on a tangent there and hijack your post for a moment. My apologies...lol.