Worried I found DB too late

[newnamenewlife]

Interesting that your H saw his mom run away. Mine has seen nothing but stability. He too talks about his need for "happiness," and I am sitting here wondering how he will be happy knowing he has broken my heart and split up our family. He dismisses the family stuff, saying we'll always be a family, the kids will be fine,etc. He is still a good dad, is not having any kind of affair (really), which actually makes this hard since his only problem is being married to me.

When I read your text messages to each other, I couldn't believe how much you and your H sound like me and mine. My H has always been the nice guy, the rock, the sweetheart. People always said we were a great couple and envied our marriage.

I knew my H was going through something because he has been very distant for about a year. I tried to get him to tell me what was going on but he'd say it was his job or dismiss it. Finally, in October I pulled it out of him. I feel like I've been living in a nightmare since then.

I have been trying to make sense of the tons of love letters he has written me over the years, the seeming complete devotion. Yes, time and kids and life have forced us apart (my libido suffered too, which was a problem, but not consistently), but still we are good friends who make each other laugh all the time and treat each other with basic kindness and respect. It's just crazy, IMO, to throw in the towel on our M without making any effort to save it.

At first, I read John Gottman's Seven Principles of a Happy Marriage, which makes a strong case for friendship being the foundation of a good marriage. He contends that passion and romance require work to stay alive after a long time together--and I totally agree. But H seems to have notions that you are either in love or you're not. To me, this is true at the beginning of a R--you can't force yourself to love someone. But we were "in love" for a long time and we still have that chemistry, though it's quieter. My H says he is no longer in love with me the way "a H should love his W".

When we've talked about the realities of separation, he resists. We still share a bed and we have been cuddlier lately, but no sex, as he doesn't want to give me "false hope" that he has the right feelings for me.

ugh.