Hey Aud, A few general observations based on my own sitch...
My H has made reference on several occasions to my "high moral ground" and to my "judging him". As this process has gone on, I have realized more and more how those two things make him feel smaller. And I do those things. I do tend to judge. And I do get down on him sometimes. And I do think my moral foundation is much stronger than his. But I am trying to recognize how this impacts him.
Try to show more outward faith in your H... even if you don't completely have faith in him. Fake it till you make it. I have started experimenting with this and continue to try to do so. And I think it helps my H's self esteem.
I have made reference to this before and I am going to do it again... in manyu ways, our spouses (at least yours and mine) are like lost little boys. I find that when I expect the worst of my H, he behaves badly... but when I show more faith, he is more motivated to be a better person. This anaolgy may sound harsh, but think of a teenager. If the parents are always down on the teen, he or she will act out. But if parents have faith in their kids, they will work to live up to potential.
In my H's case, he lacked significant guidance growing up. So he is going through a lot of stuff now that he should have gone through as a teenager or younger. So, it's like he's learning life's lessons twenty years late.
Anyway, just try to change your attitude towards him and see if he will start to come around with a little mroe empathy and remorse. But don't pull it out of him.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I agree with what you're saying. My H makes comments sometimes, about how I'm "so perfect". I know where they come from, and I try a lot to be non-judgemental and accepting. I think on a scale of 1-10 I'm 7 or 8 on the acceptance thing...I think it's a fine line to walk, to allow them to be who/what they are but also to be encouraging of the need for progression as well.
I will think on ways I can change my attitude and step up showing more outward faith in my H. Overall, I think it's still a matter of patience and exercising my faith in his behalf as much as I can.
Yep, if only I was half as perfect as my W says I am.
Complains about how I am not doing things right, then saying I'm too perfect. What do you say to that. Next ILs ask what I'm going to do about one of W's problems. I know they were joking but I had to swallow hard on that one.
Aud, The fine line is also about holding your spouse accountable for his/her actions vs. acting like his/her parent.
In a M, there is a certain amount of accountability and responsbility that is expected. But at the same time, we have to allow them to be them.
Fine line. I walk it every day.
Oh, and as for the whole "perfect" thing... it is annoying. I work with somebody who seems to be "perfect". She's a great mother, has a great M, is really good at her job, is confident, thin, etc... And she's a really good friend of mine. But sometimes, I get so annoyed at how "perfect" she seems to be. I know nobody is perfect, but when I look at her, I get resentful sometimes. Not right, i know... but I'm human. And so are our spouses.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
lol, I also got called that, (or "saint"...though actually saint means "consecrated to God", which doesn't mean you are flawless, only that you have put yourself in God's service)
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I know the "perfect" thing is annoying. More so when you figure that you're comparing the best parts of someone else to the worst parts of you. I feel that way about others sometimes too, so I get it.
In H's case, I usually end up pointing out what is wrong with me, and I don't think that's necessarily the right way to respond...I'd like to encourage him to take action that will move him up the ladder rather than me trying to lower myself to meet him, you know?
"The fine line is also about holding your spouse accountable for his/her actions vs. acting like his/her parent."
You said this so well PS! This is certainly one of my struggles. I tend to err on the side of leaving him alone about his actions and then blowing up when I've had too much and totally ending up on the parental side.
Nothing new going on really. We're living life one day at a time, and everything seems to be fine.
I think I'm in a 'just let things ride' phase. Trying to not get worked up over the past or what's not exactly right in the R, appreciating the good things. And there are a lot of good things. He talks to me about what he's interested in, makes an effort to be home more, does a lot of little things that he knows help me out, holds me close and tells me that he loves me.
That said, I worry a bit about becoming too complacent. There are still some really big issues that we have been circling around for as long as I can remember. I feel that in most of our conversations involving the issues, I ask, he's vague, I end up dropping the subject because he starts playing the 'I'll never be good enough/you'll never forgive me' card. And then I become reluctant to address them when we're not in crisis for fear of impeding healing by constantly picking the scabs.
Why do I feel so muddled as to how to approach the tough issues? Then again, is it right to keep agonizing over them when they're his issues and essentially nothing I have control over beyond my choice to be his wife?
Hoo. I guess I just stirred my inner hornet's nest a little. But all this is nothing new. I'm basically just enjoying what I *do* have and trusting that in the end God will make a way where there is no way.
