On Tuesdays Bob shares from the prodigal's perspective. Read more from Bob in his books in the Rejoice Bookstore http://stopdivorce.org - - - - -
A VALENTINE’S GIFT GUIDE FOR PRODIGALS - (What’s Hot and What’s Not)
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self- seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:1-8,13
As I reflected on what I could give to you for Valentine’s Day, I thought about a question we hear often during early February; "Should I give my prodigal a Valentine’s gift?" Only God can answer that question, because our answer may not be His plan for you, but I can give some general suggestions on what’s hot and what’s not for prodigal spouses.
* Your Prodigal Could Use Your Prayers -
The prayers of a faithful, standing spouse, are the best gifts that you can give to a wayward spouse. Don’t be like the standers who write us, telling how they pray "all day every day" for their mate. Charlyne could not have done that, for she had to work, and care for a home and three children by herself. But I was confident that after the day had ended, and my wife was alone, that her promises to pray for me were being fulfilled, regardless of how exhausted she might be. Jesus taught us to pray, so may you make time to pray for your spouse.
* Your Prodigal Could Use You Patience -
"Was Charlyne always patient when you were divorced?" No, she was not, but once she had heard from God regarding the future of our marriage, that all changed. Much like you, your spouse is living a turbulent, confused state right now. You showing your spouse patience would be a welcomed gift by them.
* Your Prodigal Could Use Your Permission -
I have shared previously about the day that Charlyne told me, "I read something that may help you." The words she then shared about living with one foot in each of two worlds were timely in my decision to come home. She was saying, "I understand . . ." and not, "I demand . . ."
* Your Prodigal Could Use Your Perseverance -
From the first time I heard my wife utter the word "standing," over 23 years ago, right up until today, I have known one thing; my wife was not about to give up on what God had promised for her marriage. Along the way, I heard that she would still be waiting in her rocking chair when she was 80, and that I might miss the best part of our marriage, but she was not giving up on me, because God was not giving up on me, even when I was living in sin. What an amazing demonstration of love, for me to know that I had an "ex" who was not about to walk away because of circumstances.
If you want a super gift for Valentine’s Day to give to your prodigal, determine today that you will never, never, never give up on the one you love. If you give up and stop praying, who will be there to pray for their protection and for them to come to Christ?
I am grieved of good people, whom God has called to stand, giving up because a friend told them to find someone else, or who say they will stand only until the non-covenant marriage is legalized, or until there is a child born into the other relationship. They may be standing today, and give up tomorrow, but standing again by the end of the week. If you want a great gift for your prodigal, lock down in your heart and mind, once and for all, that you are standing until God does what He has promised you He will do, regardless of what happens tomorrow.
Just as there are "hot" gifts, there are also some "what’s not’s" that you need to avoid handing to your spouse for Valentine’s Day;
* The Prodigal You Love Has no Use For Your Threats -
Statements sounding like, "If you don’t have that check here on time, I’m going to . . ." or "I will tell my attorney to . . ." should never originate with a serious stander. Another great gift for your prodigal is to get the term, "I understand" back into your vocabulary.
* The Prodigal You Love Has no Use For Your Tongue -
Believe me, your prodigal spouse knows everything they are doing wrong, without your telling them. Each time you remind them, you are stacking more chips on the "Reasons I can’t go home" side of the table. The battle for your family will be won with your knees, in prayer and not with a sharp tongue slicing and dicing your mate.
* The Prodigal You Love Has no Use For Your Temper -
"Did Charlyne have a temper when you were divorced?" In the beginning, she had such a temper that I was afraid of what she might do. Her temper is another area where God touched my wife, after she became serious about standing for our marriage, and she has not been the same since.
* The Prodigal You Love Has no Use For Your Taunts -
Yes, you may win the battle if you disrupt their plans, but in the end, if you don’t correct your ways, you will lose the war for your home. That other person is not your enemy, so even if you manage to manipulate until they are out of the picture, Satan will send someone else along.
* The Prodigal You Love Has no Use For Your Trespasses -
No matter how many times my wife teaches about not spying on a wayward spouse, people who call themselves standers continue to do so, often at the expense of their marriage. For the sake of your family, please stay out of your prodigal mate’s personal property and activities.
I do not recall ever mentioning this before, but there were times during our divorce that I baited Charlyne, to see if she would snoop. I remember one weekend leaving a note from the other woman inside our son’s suitcase. I had folded the note in a particular way so that I could tell if it had been opened and read. The note was returned to me without having been opened. Charlyne passed every sordid test I sent her way, to the glory of God.
* The Prodigal You Love Has no Use For Your Tough Love -
How many times you and I have blown it in our Christian walk, yet each time our Heavenly Father forgives us and allows us to start over again. Jesus demonstrates unconditional love, not tough love, to His children. When standing for marriage restoration, we have an opportunity to be like Jesus by showing unconditional love to a spouse who has wronged us. Tough love is saying to a spouse, "If you don’t do right, I will do wrong." That does not sound like words from Jesus.
Well, there’s my list of what’s hot and what’s not for prodigals this Valentine’s Day. Did God give you any ideas on what to get the one you love? I pray that He has.
This Christian walk called "standing" is so basic. It is no more than living and walking as Jesus would. It is responding to each of the Enemy’s tactics as Jesus would respond. Yes, standing is basic Christianity with feet, but at the same time it is the most difficult walk you may ever do as a Christian.
Do you know why it is so difficult for you to stand strong? The evil one hates families so much that he is throwing every conceivable obstacle at you, to convince you that your beloved will never change; that God has someone better for you; that He wants you to be "happy" and all the rest. (By the way, God’s concern is that you be holy before you are happy).
This is the time of year when tourists we call "snowbirds" invade South Florida by the tens of thousands, escaping frigid northern winters. Along with the snowbirds, come the con artists, always attempting to make a fast dollar. One way they do this is by peddling knock-off merchandise at our local flea markets. Their counterfeit products may look much like the real item, but they are always constructed so cheaply they will not last for long, if they work at all.
Where are you going to get your prodigal’s Valentine’s gift? Granted, you can pick up Prayers, or Patience, or Permission that look (and sound) like the real deal at a low price, but once the test of the storms of life are applied, you gift will last about as long as a brand name purse purchased at a discount from the swap shop.
How, then, do you get gifts that last for your prodigal spouse? By your first having a close, personal walk with your Lord Jesus Christ. Your counterfeit gift may even be enough to draw your prodigal home, but it takes the real thing to have a mate home, happy, and ready to work of rebuilding a damaged marriage.
Regardless of when you read this, there is still time to get the perfect Valentine’s gift for your prodigal spouse. You can obtain it on your knees. The price has already been paid at Calvary, by our Lord Jesus. Today, ask the Lord to give to you the Fruits of the Holy Spirit.
"But I never see my spouse. How will they even see the changes in me?" Trust me, the one you love will see (or hear) about the changes in you, once you totally sell out to Christ and to your marriage. It might be like the day, when I was picking up our children, that I asked Charlyne what had changed about her. She replied, "Nothing’s different." I walked away from our door thinking it must be her hair that had changed. Months later, I would learn that it was her heart, not her hair, that was different. I pray that your prodigal spouse may have reason in the days ahead to make that same discovery.
May you have a blessed Valentine’s Day, even if you are alone today. Remember God loves you with an everlasting love, and He asks us each to share that love with others, even when they seem not to deserve love.
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35
P.S. If you have read this Valentine’s shopping guide and thought, "That’s just being a doormat," or "That enables sinful actions," you have missed the entire point of standing for marriage restoration God’s way. I encourage you to pick up one of Charlyne’s teaching tapes or CD’s and to make the discovery that my wife did, of what standing with God for a prodigal spouse is all about. Her fast-moving and pointed teachings on restoration are in the Rejoice Marriage Ministries Bookstore - http://stopdivorce.org
Many people talk about "tough love" such as what is in James Dobson's books but I agree with what Bob says about tough love.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
SF I am a huge fan of James Dobson in so many areas. At first and even second read, his tough love stance seemed like the right way to handle things. I applied it and I saw my W run from me and be even angrier and more distant to all of us. It is possible in time, she would have come back our way but I don't think so. I began to read more about what God says how we are to be toward our spouses. If we are supposed to show love toward our enemy, to do good in return for evil, then are we supposed to treat our spouses worse? I will say that I did like the letter that was recommended in his book to our spouses.
Mishka It is never too late! Anything is possible!
fig Thanks fig! Love hearing from you!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
MMF - I had a stack of Dr. Dobson's books in my nightstand drawer that my mom had read when I was a kid and I had read them trying to figure out how to handle my "Strong Willed Child" before I knew he was autistic. After H left I started cleaning that drawer out and found the books. One of the books I realized I hadn't read because I thought based on the title that it was more about teenagers than smaller children. The book was "Love Must Be Tough". Imagine my surprise when I realized what the book was about!!!!!! Yet another slap up the side of my head from God telling me to STAND without losing my dignity.
I asked my mom why she had that book and she said that my dad had bought every book Dobson ever wrote. She didn't know what the subject of that book was either. I could have knocked her over with a feather when I told her what it was. AMAZING!
God does work in mysterious ways! My parents never had a day of marital trouble but for some reason my dad felt compelled to buy that book and then my mom kept it not even knowing what it was and made sure to give it to me and I find it right when I need it!
I follows the example in the book of the letter and wrote one to my husband a couple of weeks ago. I don't know if he even read it but it made me feel better to write it.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I can relate Mishka. I gave the letter to my W right before Christmas 2006. I had sent it to her e-mail account and her comment to me was a sincere thank you. As far as the tough tone with her later about her choices backfired. I think a lot of it depends upon what kind of characteristics you displayed before.
I have instead taken the tact of unconditional love.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
No problem. I had asked Rejoice Ministries several months ago because I have posted a number of them and they said it is okay as long as I am posting references back to them. I need to find the e-mail they sent. Do you want me to post it here?
And definitely to the second item
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
