Piecing? Sexual issues? hmm...not sure

[Corri]

CeMar:

What if he threated her physical harm? What if he hit her? What if he had bought a gun and stuck it in the guy's face?

I'm not saying that this woman's POV might not be a little off, but we also do not know the whole story. She's here to GET HELP, not to be called an IDIOT for what she, as yet, cannot SEE. The only way she can GET HELP is if she tells her story, HONESTLY, even if that might hit on some seriously sensitive nerves of those who may or may not have walked, at least a little bit, in her H's shoes.

Judge ye not, and ye shall not be judged, CeMar.

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

No that isn't what i said. I was very surprised to see that side of him. Never in a million years would i have thought that he could do the things he did to drive the wedge. I was just very surprised is all. and yes a little worried that he actually had that in him at that time.

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

Thank you corri for that support. I really do appreciate it. This is hard for me and i know that i've hurt him. i still cannot believe that i am in the situation that i am. it completely spun out of control...

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

limbo,

i understand what you are saying. I know he is a good man and I am trying. Doing all the retro stuff, trying to be "there" all the time.

After feeling so blase about our relationship for so long, it's just hard to switch gears. i am working on it.

[limbo]

Thats all you can do!!

Draw on what was taught in the retro, do the fake it until you make it line of thought!
If you do truly want this to work, then thatis exactly what you will have to do is work! And its bloody hard work!
Thats something I have truly come to realize! That from now on we will have to put work into our marriage, there can't be a day that goes by that we don't in some way work on our marriage.
My love for my H has changed, it has turned into something deeper, I believe truer then we had before all of this, because now we really see each other, warts and all, and now we accept each other for who we are! My goal is no longer to change my H, I have learnt that I can change no one but myself.
I think thats almost were you have to start, you must look at you first, and see your faults, accept them, and then change the bad ones, enhance the good ones.
You can make this work, and you can have feelings for H again, but they wount be the bells and whistle types of feelings, because they don't last, but they will be better in the long run!

[Corri]

2:

i still cannot believe that i am in the situation that i am. it completely spun out of control...

THAT, my dear, is THE very problem.

You may want to visit a web site called Marriage Builders, if you have not been there before. Visit the Articles section, maybe the discuss forums... it is an excellent site.

The thing you really need to 'get' is that you are not entitled to a great marriage, great passion/desire, or great sex. And when those things are absent, you are not 'entitled' to go find it somewhere else. Your life 'spun out of control' because you made some very, very poor choices. You are not the first, and you won't be the last. You just have to learn how to stop doing that.

This doesn't make you a bad person, it means you are sitting nice and comfy cozy in "The Center of the Universe" chair, where everything 'is all about you.' (Sigh... I miss that chair sometimes...) And doggone, it is really HARD to get out of a chair you don't even know you are sitting in...

All of this is HARD, sweety. And it's all going to continue to be hard, until one day, it isn't so much. You have a lot of work, and a lot of learning to do... so... start on that site I mentioned... and there are some other really great books (including Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy) that will teach you about the art of relationship.

Stick around. Stay strong... keep posting and venting... just be aware that you are going to get HONEST response to your HONEST posts, and it would help a great deal if you toughened up your skin a bit...

[Corri]

SG:

Corri. You sound so WISE. You're scaring me. *g*

I like it.

Well... if I shave my head and move to Tibet, come find me, k?

[hopeforfuture]

I wouldn't be telling the truth if i said he would never do anything to hurt me or do anything underhanded to get what he wants - BUT having said that I have to think that the passed 6 months have brought out the absolute worst in him. He did everything he could to put a wedge between me and OG, conspired in a way that I would never have thought he possibly could. and to be honest that scares me a bit. I saw a side of him that i never knew existed - and will hopefully stay gone for good now.

My first instinct when I read this was to get defensive. Me acting poorly?? How could this be? After all, I was the victim in this situation was I not? I was going to fight for our marriage, my self-respect and stand up for what I believed was right and moral. Over the past months, I tried to take the moral high road, but did fall down several times along the way. I lied. I snooped. I conspired. The OG's W contacted me on several occasions and we began talking and sharing information. I even met her a couple of times over drinks to talk about our situations. Honestly though, I didn't intentionally drive the wedge. That was more the OG's W that took that approach. She was much more assertive in her handling of the situation. I was hoping that the A would run its course and burn itself out. Things did get uncomfortable and even a bit ugly on a few occasions, but I can't say that I regret my actions. We are working through things now. I'm hoping that we can learn from this experience and subsequently build a stronger relationship.

So, i am continuing the things learned in Retro, will keep any and all advice in the back of my mind and refer to it often. I have to say, getting over OG is difficult. i thought if i immersed myself in the R with H, and my kids, etc those feelings would just go away. They are taking a lot longer to fade than i had anticipated. They seem to be going and then something will bring it all back - a song, or i'll see something that previously was very superficial now has a completely different meaning to me. It's frustrating to make sense of it all.

I've heard many different opinions on how long it takes, but bottom line is that it will take a long time. It has only been just over a month since things have turned around. As we reconnect with our feelings in the marriage, I suspect that the feelings for OG will diminish and the triggers will get fewer and further between. I hope that W realizes that there are just as many triggers that result in anxiety, frustration and depression for me. I know that given time, these will fade and be replaced by loving, positive and caring memories and feelings.

[hopeforfuture]

i understand what you are saying. I know he is a good man and I am trying. Doing all the retro stuff, trying to be "there" all the time.

One very positive thing I need to mention here is that Mom of 2 went to the second Retro follow-up on her own. I had previously scheduled a trip, so I couldn't make it.

Thank you for that dedication to Retro.

[saffie]

I hear what you say about your H behaving in ways you didn't think he could when you were involved with OG. I would like to say that my H probably feels the same about my behaviour when he told me of his A, but instead of seeing my behaviour as worrying he was actually amazed that I loved him enough to fight so hard and do these things to try and keep my M. I did things I am not proud of but I am proud of the fact that my M is better than ever now.

I also spent many years of my M, although generally happily M'd, occasionally thinking about a guy I had been close to when younger - a guy who I had always thought I would one day marry before I met my H, a guy who went to see my mom when he got my wedding invite bcause he wanted to stop the wedding. Whenever we hit a low spot in our M I would think of him. NOW I know that he could never be the man I had built him up to be in my mind - he was/ is just a man. Life is too short to spend time on the what if's with the OG; you have a H who loves you and who you have children with. There are so many people in the world who would be so happy to be in that position.