Thanks for your support. I appreciate you chiming in. I'm struggling with the whole thing and I was really, really weak last night. It is difficult to stay strong as this is such a long, painful and difficult ride.
However, I do think I learned a few things from my slip-up yesterday.
1)I didn't stop to answer the critical question: "How will what I'm doing pull me closer to achieving my goal? Will it help or hurt my efforts to DB and save my M?" By not taking the time to fully question myself, I made the wrong decision. I need to continue to learn from this instance and prepare myself for these situations in the future. I have to always remember the goal in everything I do.
2)In honestly calling myself on this, I went to sign up with Yahoo on purpose. I was in denial while I was doing it last night, but it is very, very clear. In fact, I didn't take the time to listen to my head as my wounded heart was leading me into this backsliding mistake. I could have chosen another free mail server. I chose to use Yahoo b/c I knew this is where my W's "other" e-mail account was located. The OM set it up for her so they could "chat" w/o me knowing. I did this to cause myself pain. Not good for me to do b/c it only helped me to feel worse and for her to have an excuse to pull farther away.
3)I need to GAL. Too much time alone at the house isn't good. It gives me too much of an opportunity to stress and obsess. I need to muster the strength to exercise regularly again as today marks one week since I was served and one week since I've done any cardio activity.
The good news about my excercise inactivity, is I haven't gained weight because I haven't been able to eat very much. I need to change that one as well.
Oh, well. I'm hoping today will be better, I will be more focused and stronger. I need to be more confident and work on me, especially today as I'm looking to beat myself up a bit.
Thanks to all of you for your help. I'll keep you posted if I know more. RTL
