I agree that it's nice that somebody cares for us and is there to help take care of us when we are in need. However, don't get fooled into believing that you need another person to make your life complete. As we walk through this most difficult time, we are vulnerable to becoming victim of a "rebound relationship" that is doomed to fail.
It's exactly what happened to your husband and my wife. They both believed (and may still believe) that the presence of another person in their life is a critical ingredient for their happiness.
We know better. We don't need another person. We are strong and independent. And we will be happy.
Mark, you are right. I don't need another person to complete me. I was having a pity party. I just miss that in H. He never once asked me how I was. He helped when he was home, but my 3 yr old had more sympathy than he did. Its part of the normal WAS thing, I am sure. He is distancing himself for whatever reason.
Kimmie Lee, thanks for the chicken soup offer. Sounds really nice to me.
I'm so glad that you starting to feel a little better. We were worried about you! Funny how most of us have never met but when we don't come on the board for a day or two people get concerned and worried about us. What a nice feeling. And no worries on the pity party. We all have them. You're sick and your H is being an a$$. You're allowed to feel that way.
I understand the feeling you're having with your H not being helpful. I understand his reason for going to Ohio, but did he even offer any suggestions for you while he was gone to help with the kids since you're sick. I know you're a big girl, but just a little common courtesy would be nice. You know we've got some muscle in Ohio that can correct his attitude!!
Hope you feel better soon. Take care-
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I wonder whether the WAS really just doesn't care at all...
...or are they just too blindly selfish to see anything beyond themselves...
...or are they so deep in the fog of their warfare against the LBS that they cannot compromise, even a little, their hard-nosed stance and act like a normal compassionate human being towards the "enemy".
I think it's probably different for each wayward spouse. In my wife's case, she told me later (post-fog) that she KNEW that it was wrong, and that it was hurting me, but that it felt so good that she couldn't stop it. She also said she had a lot of "I deserve to be happy" thoughts, and she would remind herself of how selfless she had been as a SAHM over the years, and how now maybe it was time for her to have a little FUN in her life.
Once I exposed her affair, there were many days where raw ANGER at me motivated her to continue, but she said that she respected that I was willing to fight for her, and for our family, and that even tho she was royally PISSED at me, she knew that what I was doing, I was doing out of love.
I believe at this moment H is somewhat enjoying hurting me, because he felt so hurt and betrayed before the A. He has said in anger many times "Now you know how I feel." He made a rude comment today, and despite his horrible situation (been in the car 16 hours and stuck in a small town with no power due to snow), I still called him on it. I am tired of it. Time for a change, time for a backbone (as therapist says).
Quote:
She also said she had a lot of "I deserve to be happy" thoughts, and she would remind herself of how selfless she had been as a SAHM over the years, and how now maybe it was time for her to have a little FUN in her life.
This is H's thoughts (put sahd in there, as he was one for the past 2 years). He wants to be single, wants to date, 'deserves' fun.......
It is time, he cannot continue to treat you with such a lack of respect.. no matter how he feels about the M.. there is no reason for that.. Its amazing to me that they are the ones being unfaithful, yet they have no problem with turning the tables to make it look like they are the "victim".. very distortive and sick behavior. This is where you say "your on your own man" clean up your own mess..
It may actually be some what of a break for you not having him in town. ..
If he wanted to be single why the he$$ did he get married in the first place...
You enjoy your time without him and just relax... his issues are just that HIS and not your problem. Take care of you and your D's , you don't need him LWB,you really don't. Your strong and a beautiful person.. like i've said before, he was lucky to get you for a second of his life.
Tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Darn it!! we spoke too soon! Keep your distance, and if at all find something else to do that you don't have to communicate with him. Fold laundry in a different room, tidy up areas of the house he isn't in... these are things I do.. I play some celtic music, burn some candles and just do my thing.. It does work sometimes!
Maybe he will be back late enough you'll already be asleep!
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
