Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

MMF - I am truly praying for peace and the ability to forgive him for what he has done and the hurt he has caused. It certainly isn't easy. I hadn't felt quite this level of anger until last night. It's been more of a slow burn that I was able to pretty well control but it really got to me last night when it felt like he was trying to pull more rug out from under me. There has just been too much taken at once and it's getting really hard to push it all down to a place that I can deal with it.

I spend hours every night crying and praying, crying and praying....it's a vicious cycle that is going to kill me (the crying, not the praying - it's the only thing saving me).

I'm not sure how to go about being pleasant in front of him. I still can't stand to look at him, it hurts my heart too much. I know I'm supposed to pray before I talk to him, before I say ONE WORD but my mouth runs away with me before I can stop it. I don't yell but what I say is mean spirited. I regret saying it immediately (not that I don't mean it but I just didn't want it to come out!) but by then he's mad and hangs up.

Losing the person I knew and loved for so many years is just tearing me up but my son losing his dad in his daily life is so awful! I can't stand to see the hurt in my son's eyes when he doesn't hear from his dad for days at a time. I can only fill some of the roles his dad plays in his life, not all of them. I don't know how to help him any more than I am. I'm getting to a better place for myself (some days!) but it's a LOT of hard work.