Bworl, ford, amyC, NewHorizons...my thoughts for today.

I think we all start out here initially wanting to 'fix' our M's. We start doing all sorts of kooky crazy things thinking 'well, I read Michele's book...I can do that...I can win this...I'll get them to come back.'

And then..it doesn't quite go the way you think it will. You learn about control and lack thereof. We get our support systems here, and, thankfully, most of us are lucky to have some really great people sail in and give us advice. Some of our followers are true blue and stay forever. Others pop in from time to time and can give us some great caveats.

It's a tough startout as we all know. It's sorta like my own professsion, medicine. Most of us hate going to doctors..including me. Who wants to hear bad news:
-you're overweight..lose it
-your cholesterol is up..diet or you are going on Lipitor
-there is a shadow on your mammogram; we should do a biopsy

Scary stuff.

Yeah...who wants to come here and learn that:
-you were too controlling
-you should be in charge of the sex department or you become deficient in providing
-your behavior was 'little boyish' or 'little girlish'
-or, even more scary, your M was boring

WHEW...yeah...not easy to hear that you were a dork...or immature...screwed up...failed...etc. What other words do we hear that sting. Oh yes....BLAME. Yeah...I should have had more sex with my W/H standing on one leg...in a public elevator..with black undies...with a martini in one hand.

NOT.


But..like the doc...how can you get better without an examination by an outside observer, develop a treatment plan and make improvements?

So, we drop our weight...go back to exercising....become better parents.....let go of control..become better listeners...release the 'little boy' or the 'little girl' inside.

Some people, like Atlas, carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They take horrendous emotional punishment while supporting themselves and their families. Like Mr. Hoyt in the video..when you've gone 20 miles and have no energy left...you pick up your son..or daughter..or family (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK)..and you carry them to the finish line. You begin to see that ..yes....YOU..have value. YOU have self-worth. Yes..YOU...are a good person.

Jeannette....ford...bill....Jeff....25..DonH...YES....were had our issues and faults but..we WERE good spouses and like someone posted here...the very fact that all of you came here SHOWS that you were committed for the longrun...that you understood the meaning of your vows when you walked down the aisle...that you were willing to change IN SPITE OF FINDING OUT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH OURSELVES. We came to the doctor to get better.

At what point are we deserving what many say is the crux of this...respect? Note that..of late....I probably leave more questions in posts than answers.

When we first arrived here, if we 'demanded' to be treated right..or 'insisted' that our S's dump the OM's/OW's...or wanted to vent our anger at being betrayed or disrespected, what would be told?
-GAL
-become attractive
-don't get dragged into an argument (for many, that means holding in anger and repressing feelings)

Right?

We're told that DB'ing is a way of life.

But when does it become time that YOUR/OUR emotional needs become met/fulfilled?
-when should we expect to go to sleep knowing that our S is next to us and not out with someone else?
-to know that you can trust in what your S tells you as truth?
-to be touched and held and know it is real?
-to not have anger ALL the time?

When do THEY have to 'pitch in'?

When do we begin to compromise for the sake of finances and the children at the risk of our own perpetual lack of fulfillment?

On the flip side:
-can people really change? and..if they can...DO WE deserve some...lets say 'emotional coddling' after what we went thru? or...some sign of true committment that our S REALLY wants back?
-what DO THEY HAVE TO DO TO UNDO THE LIES, INFIDELITY, etc...to get your trust back...SHOULD YOU trust them at the outset??

My W insists that I kiss her now when leaving the house. She demands to be held.

My complaint will be delivered to her L at some point and my W will read 9 pages of what happened in our M over the last 2 years since coming here.

It would be interesting to click the 'poll' button here and see what you all would guess would be her reaction.

Using an old phrase: staying the rock for my family right now.

FIB

Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;