Meredith - your 5 years..

[Meredith]

OH Cagzmom… believe me, I get the passive aggressive man ALL too well!!

When we’re talking about the actual process of filing for divorce, it gets blood boiling. No one wants to be the one to get served. No one wants to be the one blindsided by it. It’s very obvious why it sounds good to just do it first. The problem with the perceived satisfaction of serving him in front of his peers is just that – it’s perceived. It’s not nearly as much fun as it sounds, I promise. Also, if you are doing it to gain closure or end this chapter in your life, that isn’t very accurate either. You should do those things FIRST and come back to the lawyer after you’re calm, steady and ready.

It sounds as though you aren’t getting a feeling of calm and peace from “yes” in regards to filing. So, don’t. If he does it first then he does it first. However, if he is a runner you might be surprised to find that he likely won’t file. Runners don’t like conflict and divorces are riddled with conflict even in the best scenarios.

Now, if he does file first, be the role model. Accept your papers gracefully and do not get bitter, angry or rude in front of him. You do all that stuff over a bottle of wine with your girlfriends ;). I know it sounds unfair and wrong, but the more anger you build now the more you’ll have to knock down later. It won’t affect him like it should, but it will drag you down to depths that you don’t need to be in.

Stopping the “lingerlonger” conversations are hard. It’s nothing but difficult to have the opportunity to talk and chat with someone that you really enjoy talking with and cutting it short. The problem is that these conversations often leave us feeling a little empty and exhausted. They give us little tidbits to hold onto, as well as a whole lot to analyze. Darkness is a good break from that and gives THEM a good break from it, too.

I don’t think that having to “rush” is a game – more of a challenge. If you don’t want it to be a game, then force yourself into plans. Plans surrounding your daughter are harder to break since she’ll be the one reminding you. Join Gymboree, make it a habit to do the Java Jungle (local to me, but I’m sure you have something similar), initiate a standing play date or something like that on her return home. Getting another friend involved will help that too. Have your car running because you’re just on your way out. Make yourself rush for real if faking it doesn’t seem right!

Now, word of advice here. If your husband is passive-aggressive like mine, he’ll be late. Make sure that doesn’t get to you even if you want to wring his #$%@ neck. I promise it will stop. Eventually.