Help...feel frustrated, helpless and sad! WAW/?MLC

[bombardier50]

Purr,
Not sure if you've been to MC yet. I was traveling back from a conference last night and didn't get a chance to read your post until this morning.

My MLC W and I have been going to MC for a month now. In fact, we have another session today.

I was very scared and anxious before our first session too, but everything will go alright...trust me. Any good MC will see what's going on in a heartbeat. Look at it this way, all of us non-professionals on this board had it pegged on your first post.

Here's what has worked for me in MC:

Fall on your sword. Let her blame you for everything. Acknowledge her feelings. Admit to the counselor that you haven't been the perfect husband. Do not defend yourself, and do not point out any of her flaws. You might be amazed at the stuff she'll dredge up. If you don't remember some slight from the past, say you don't remember. If she distorts something, say "that's not how I remember it." Key point: do not defend yourself. She's going to blame you for everything because MLCers are not strong enough to take responsibility for their own behavior. Let her vent. Let her dominate the discussion. Keep your cool. Do NOT let anything she says freak you out. That's the reaction MLCers are looking for.

At some point the counselor will ask how you feel. Try this:
"I think we're at a crossroads here. I think we're both at a point in our lives where we need to get in touch with ourselves and spend some time exploring who we are as individuals. I can't help her in her journey. This is something she's going to have to work out on her own. But I would prefer that we do this exploration as husband and wife because I think that ultimately, we'll be happier once we've resolved who we are. But if it doesn't work out that way, I understand. I know that whatever happens to us as a couple, I'll be OK."

If subject of lack of sex and physical affection comes up, try this:
"I really miss the physical part of the relationship. But I don't NEED sex and physical affection to survive. I will not stop breathing, eating, walking, or living because I'm not having sex. I'd prefer to have a rich sexual life, but if I'm not right now, that's OK."

Hope this helps. The key point is to take all the pressure off of her and let her know that you're OK without her (even though inside you feel like you're dying). It will take great strength to say these things, but I know you're strong enough to do it.

Good luck today, and let us know how it goes.

I know you're hurting bad, but you need to "cowboy up" for the MC session. I know you can do it.



Bomb