Worried I found DB too late

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think you "diagnoses" of MLC could well be right. It was interesting to read about your separate life issues, it seems to be the exception rather than the rule! And I think it might support the MLC too! I think it is a rare MLCer that thinks they are going throught a MLC!

I don't have any nuggets of wisdom, keep posting, and you will attract people! If I think of anyone in particular, I'll point them this way!

((((cw68))))

[cw68]

Can I add something about our different childhoods? I think it's definitely caused a big rift in what we each think long-term relationships should be like. My parents have been married 50 years, my sisters for 25 and 26 respectively. I've seen long-term relationships up close and personal. My husband's mother has three kids from three different fathers born in three different decades. She didn't have long-standing relationships with any of them; in fact, my husband has not ever met his father and has one email exchange in his whole life. I'm not making a moral judgment on my MIL, but I don't think he's really seen the roller-coaster ride that long-term relationships sometimes are. I once asked him if he expected the head-over-heels-in-new-love forever and he said, "Of course. Yes."

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think you are onto something there. I have no idea how dto do anything about it, but I think it is a clue to how you have gotten to where you are! Head-over-heels forever? I don't think so!

[cw68]

I think I've figured out a lot of the whys/hows, just need to figure out where to go from here. Any and all comments are welcome! I really want to make this work; for me, for him and for our children.

Thanks dry-heat. Hugs

[fish]

CW -

Don't buy the "I'm too young for a mid-life crisis." The signs are clearly there.

You sound terrific, solid mom, interesting and attractive. For some reason your husband has decided that it is time to walk away from the commitment he made to you and your children.

For the most part, that is what we are all dealing with. Don't blame yourself, these are his issues.

[newnamenewlife]

Our problem wasn't that we didn't define ourselves but rather that we didn't define us as a couple. We were more parents and individuals.

That's us, too! So now I am going out even more without him and it feels like we are distancing even more.

In our case, my H's parents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and my father had three wives, a kid with each, in three decades!

I am the one who values our M not just because we have a good R (with problems of course, all do), but for the sake of our kids and because we made a commitment. I have been surprised by my own conservatism in this regard, as I am a very liberal person in general.

My H and I are worlds apart as far as our childhoods. His was very tame, no loss, no major problems. Mine was full of loss, suicide, alcoholism--just pain, pain, pain. Sometimes I think H is doing this to us to create some drama in his life. I want to avoid putting myself (and my kids) through this kind of angst. It is bringing up so much stuff for me--feelings of abandonment and worthlessness--that I can barely get through the days lately.

[cw68]

lovemyguy, our situations are so similar! I, too, am a very liberal person, but marriage with kids to me is something else. This is my second marriage, btw.

When two people without kids divorce, it's still not good, but it's between two adults. When there's a fundamental, dangerous problem in the marriage it changes things. I don't think I'm saying these things to justify my first divorce, but we were two childless adults and one was a raging alcoholic. That's the main reason I left.

I get so angry when I think of him just up and leaving because he's uncomfortable. He's choosing himself over our kids, over our family, our vows. I was a good wife (though I do need to make some improvements), a good Mom and I took care of myself. Why should I have to pay because he can't deal?

All he saw was his Mom run away when things got difficult. Even now, though she's saying that we should work it out for the kid's sake, she ends with, "in the end, it's most important that we make ourselves happy." All he ever wanted in his adulthood was the things he missed as a child. He's got them and now he's changed his mind??

[newnamenewlife]

Interesting that your H saw his mom run away. Mine has seen nothing but stability. He too talks about his need for "happiness," and I am sitting here wondering how he will be happy knowing he has broken my heart and split up our family. He dismisses the family stuff, saying we'll always be a family, the kids will be fine,etc. He is still a good dad, is not having any kind of affair (really), which actually makes this hard since his only problem is being married to me.

When I read your text messages to each other, I couldn't believe how much you and your H sound like me and mine. My H has always been the nice guy, the rock, the sweetheart. People always said we were a great couple and envied our marriage.

I knew my H was going through something because he has been very distant for about a year. I tried to get him to tell me what was going on but he'd say it was his job or dismiss it. Finally, in October I pulled it out of him. I feel like I've been living in a nightmare since then.

I have been trying to make sense of the tons of love letters he has written me over the years, the seeming complete devotion. Yes, time and kids and life have forced us apart (my libido suffered too, which was a problem, but not consistently), but still we are good friends who make each other laugh all the time and treat each other with basic kindness and respect. It's just crazy, IMO, to throw in the towel on our M without making any effort to save it.

At first, I read John Gottman's Seven Principles of a Happy Marriage, which makes a strong case for friendship being the foundation of a good marriage. He contends that passion and romance require work to stay alive after a long time together--and I totally agree. But H seems to have notions that you are either in love or you're not. To me, this is true at the beginning of a R--you can't force yourself to love someone. But we were "in love" for a long time and we still have that chemistry, though it's quieter. My H says he is no longer in love with me the way "a H should love his W".

When we've talked about the realities of separation, he resists. We still share a bed and we have been cuddlier lately, but no sex, as he doesn't want to give me "false hope" that he has the right feelings for me.

ugh.

[cw68]

We are living the same marriage. My husband has always been "the rock." When we were dating, he asked me about my first husband and I said that he had a really rough childhood, that there was nobody there for him, so he always looked out for number one, himself. My husband replied, "Well, that's one way to look at it. Or you can become the person upon whom people can depend." I still remember it clear as day. He was that guy. Until now.

People have always, even recently, talked about how great we are together, how well we work together. We spent a weekend away without the kids a few months ago and one the couple we visited said, "well, look at you guys. You're strong." And we looked at each other and laughed.

I noticed our distance the past year or so, but he chalked it up to work. There was a lot going on there, so it made sense to me. I just thought that our marriage, our commitment was stronger. Our sex life has always been good. A bit slower with the kids, but still good. Even he says that. Between the bomb and our separation, it was awesome.

I guess I just don't understand what he would need to think he could come back.

[newnamenewlife]

CW,
What are you going to do about Valentine's day? It's not a holiday I ever put much stake in, but my H has always brought me red roses or chocolate. Our Ds are into it, and will definitely notice if H & I don't give each other something. I guess I'll give him some chocolate. My fear is that he will give me roses, but in one of those colors that signify friendship.

Right after the bomb, I felt like it had been a wake-up call and that we would start afresh. I bought him a dozen red roses and left them on his dresser. When he got home, he acted like he didn't see them and when I asked him about them he told me I didn't realize how serious he was about what he'd said.

That was DEVASTATING--the nuclear bomb after the grenade.