Finding my way out of the dark

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, I would like to share with you a brief story about a woman I worked with. She and her husband split up around the same time that my W left. Her H had been having an affair and my co-worker was extremely upset with her H, calling him names and reacting each time he did something uncaring and selfish. They have two small children and he was not taking care of them very well including not providing for their care and their shared expenses.

I tried to say that she should not allow it to upset her and to not allow the anger to control her. She would call him names all the time whether he could hear it or not. It got to the point where they could not talk at all without yelling at each other and her calling him terrible names. Eventually she didnt do well hiding it from her kids.

She felt justified in her anger. And her marriage will never have a chance to be restored. They hate each other with such venom. I believe love did exist and whatever love was there was extinguished because nothing will ever get through all of the harsh words and bitterness. I know she still loved him at one point, in between all of the terrible things she said. She would cry and ask why this would happen. How could he choose the OW over her. (The OW was nowhere near as attractive as his wife. She was extremely attractive.)

Her anger was not abated because she could vent to others. In fact, it made it worse. Many people think that if you can vent somewhere it allows release. That is not true. It actually feeds anger and begins to be a habit. Holding it in isn't good either. The best thing is to understand where it comes from, why it makes you feel the way it does, understand the other persons perspective regardless how skewed it is, talk to God and pray that He releases the anger from you and allows you to understand how sad your H really is.

If you think about how sad it is that he is throwing away the best things in life. Family is what life is all about. It isn't about sex or other ways to indulge yourself. Never will a person be able to reach happiness through self indulgent acts. It will never be enough. Instead of clinging to family, he runs away. That is incredibly sad. It is equally tragic if you focus on the anger and allow it to destroy you and your relationships.

Mishka, I don't know what to say to you to help you get past your anger. I am not telling you to hide it but it may help if you avoid calling him names or think about how bad he is for what he is doing. Anger feeds anger. Forgiveness brings peace. I want you to have peace.