I've read that sometimes the WAS has to go through a period where it's fully and completely over in their mind before they can re-commit.
Man do I hope this is true! If so, my H is making up for the time that B's W is missing!
You're doing good B...I think she is really trying to be your friend right now. So just think of it as that...enjoy rebuilding this friendship with her. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
I'm definitely trying to be the best friend to her that I can be. Hopefully I can keep it up without putting any pressure on her. Only time will tell.
We had a nice first part of the night. Had a good dinner and talked for a while. She wanted me to give her my opinion on her outfit as she was getting ready. I think that she tried on three different things and messed with her hair for an hour just to go to this meeting. I had fun giving her advice though.
Also, as we were driving around looking for a place to eat (everything was super busy tonight) she called me out on my ring. She said "So you've decided to start wearing your ring again after you threw it the other night." I responded with "I didn't really throw it..." and "you haven't given me divorce papers yet so I thought that I would keep wearing it..." I didn't use this opportunity to comment about her wearing her ring, although I was tempted.
She also made a couple interesting comments throughout the night. 1. She said that she was thinking of getting an apartment with a friend back in the town where I live. She asked me if I would like that. I of course said yes, it would be nice to have her closer. 2. She said that she had to be honest and that she really missed living here. I said that I had to be honest and that I missed her living here too.
That's about it for the first part of the night. We'll see what the second half brings. I'll be interested in seeing where she decides to sleep...
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Wow I don't read your sitch enough to know the whole story, but from what I have read, it seems like things are moving in the right direction. Don't be dismayed if she pulls back after this. I think that is normal. I hope that's normal because it feels like what my H is doing. Anyway, good luck.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
2. She said that she had to be honest and that she really missed living here. I said that I had to be honest and that I missed her living here too.
$50 says you'll have a friend sharing your bed tonight!
Okay, so I'm curious. Obviously the conversation on Tuesday (or whenever it was - This week is a blur to me right now) wasn't instigated because of her feelings for you. Did something else happen with her?
Every time my W blows up at me, or withdraws it's always something else going on.
Okay, so I'm curious. Obviously the conversation on Tuesday (or whenever it was - This week is a blur to me right now) wasn't instigated because of her feelings for you. Did something else happen with her?
It was Tuesday. Good memory. I have to say that I'm curious too. I have no idea what brought either of these sudden turn arounds. This week has been one whirlwind of emotions for me and I feel a bit dizzy...
I started this new thread after our talk on Tuesday. I gave it the name that I did because I truly thought it was over. Now I'm thinking that I should have called it something else. If she keeps consistent with her current behavior (from Wednesday on), then I think I'll be finding myself on the fast track to piecing. Who really knows though. I'll just keep hanging on and see what happens...
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
The weekend was good. We hung out all day Saturday and had a lot of fun shopping and stuff. She went out with some friends Saturday night, but before she left she asked if she could come back to the house. I didn't have a problem with this, so I said sure. She ended up sleeping in bed with me that night. She hung around with me until early Sunday evening and then said that she had to get ready for the week and that she'd better head home. On her way home, her battery died and she called me. So I took off to go help her. I ended up driving 50 miles round trip and changing her battery in subzero temperatures. After I got it fixed and since we were close to her place, she invited me up for some hot cocoa.
I sat by her heat register and drank my cocoa while she started doing some laundry. After a while we got into some R talk. She started telling me how she's afraid that if she moved back that things would be the same. She told me some of the things that she needs me to do. (Some of which I'm already doing, but she needs to know that they are going to stick.) I told her that I'm committed to working on things and that if want things to be different then they will be...
Well then today we got into the following instant messenger conversation (note that I've eliminated some of the general chit chat): W: can i quit my job and move back in? i'm being dead serious B: I've offered that before... W: i mean, like right now quit B: I think we could make it. W: i have to pay off the rest of the cottage though, i think do the math and get back with me B: through when? W: I never signed a lease though so I know it's month to month B: yeah and you've paid this month? W: I will be today B: How long of a commitment did you give them? W: end of May But I didn't sign a lease B: True, so you're not legally bound. W: No Could we make it? B: I'm crunching the numbers W: Even if I picked up something part-time in the mean time W: I'm going to eat some lunch B: ok W: Let's figure this out though .......... B: I'll get it figured out.
(Job related stuff about how much she hates it)
W: honestly Let me know if it's doable I'm so sorry for everything and for this B: no worries. Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright. W: i am bawlign right now i can't take it B: I'm sorry .......... W: Things with us have to work out though For real... I mean, I can't be unhappy and then jobless too B: I know that. I want more than anything for them to. W: I want to feel loved and whole again. B: I know you do. I want you to feel that way too
(A bunch of finance related stuff)
W: I just can't take it B I can't do it anymore I took this job so that I would be able to live on my own if it came down to that, which it did. But I still love you. B: I love you too W. W: I want to be with you but I just need to know that things will change... not just with you but also with me. I need to be able to let my past go. Which will be hard. Very hard. But I just can't deal with all of this anymore. I don't want to be divorced. B: We can work on things together. You don't need to do it alone
(A whole lot of stuff about decorating the house)
B: It would look cool W: And I would feel like I was expressing myself B: need a new light over the table too W: through art in the house Yeah. I would love to do that. Oh B... I love you and I miss you so much I just can't stand it anymore. B: I miss you too. and love you too W: I have to tell OM when he gets back that I can't see him anymore He will be heartbroken. B: I imagine he will be I know that I would be W: I didn't tell you this but he bought me a plane ticket to Spain. B: wow W: Yes I know. It is my Christmas present I was shocked very much B: I bet W: I am supposed to fly out of GR on the 30 May B: makes my used snowboard to you look pretty crappy. W: No way land in Madrid on the 31 But I don't have a feeling in my heart for him as much as for you. B: You know that you have my heart W: I know. I want to decorate the house and have fun things with you, even we are poor and I want to make changes with you and be good too you B: I want those things too. We've been poor once and it wasn't bad. I think that we can do it again. W: and i want to ride my bicycle around our neighborhood and make more wine, and garden some more... B: Maybe we're better off poor. W: I can always just move back in and still keep my job. I feel like we might be better off poor I've only known how to be poor B: You need to get out of there. You don't need that stress in your life. W: I honestly don't know what it's like to have money and it makes me evil I can do all kinds of volunteer work. ........... W: I just know that I do miss you... W: I have hated being alone B: I haven't been real fond of it either. W: Our love is strong B B: you make my heart happy. W: One thing I have realised is that I don't like labels. I don't like being called a wife I kinda hate it really B: I won't call you that then W: I would rather be a partner It makes me feel more equal. B: that's what you really are W: I know.
(More stuff about decorating the house)
W: Well.. give me some time to sort things out with my personal file I do want to move back home. I'm pretty sure of it. B: ok. as long as you are sure. W: It's only fair I talk to OM I feel like I am. B: yeah W: He deserves at least that. B: I understand W: I don't just want to bail and never say goodbye. He is a good person and a good friend too me. I feel like I like him because he was my creative outlet... he let me explore and supported it. I want to express myself and explore with you. But I want you to let me do it. B: I want that too.
She came over tonight after work and we rehashed all of this in person. It seems that she's committed to coming home and working things out. Now it's just a matter of when. I'm not in any hurry, so I won't push her. She can take her time. My heart is content for now just knowing that she wants to work it out.
Sorry that this is so long, but I thought that it was pretty important. As always, input is appreciated.
Peace, B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
She came over tonight after work and we rehashed all of this in person. It seems that she's committed to coming home and working things out. Now it's just a matter of when. I'm not in any hurry, so I won't push her. She can take her time. My heart is content for now just knowing that she wants to work it out.
GREAT NEWS!!!
I need to go to sleep, but I figured a congrats was in order before I bow out for the night. Not even a week after that disastrous conversation and she wants to move home.
So, you're at the point where she wants to come home and you want her home. Time to put some energy into finding a C for her and deciding when you guys want to go and see someone together. Take it slow and do it the right way.
Oh my GOSH... this is so beautiful!! It brought tears to my eyes... This is SO AMAZING, you are a DBING MASTERMIND!! WHAT A TURNAROUND!!!!!
I know this is already your plan, but I would take things slow slow slow. It sounds like she wants relief from her job situation right away, but still a lot of change in herself and the R. I wish you had a situation where she could come back a little more slowly without fleeing the cottage and her job and coming back to you all simulatenously. It seems like sometimes when people make all those changes at once they become sometimes unstable and discombobulated. And sometimes we think it's the outer stuff that needs to change when it's the inner stuff...
BUT!
I think it is SO AMAZING that she wants to change herself!!
I actually have a very good friend who is kind of in your W's situation even though she is not married. She became very interested in an OM who she felt stimulated her creativity. It turns out he is a jerk, and I hope thinks work out with her original partner, who has a heart of gold.
But I think this thing happens frequently: We get into these hardened roles in our R's and we think we need to get out of the R's to get out of the roles. But what amazing growth and transformation can occur when we can get out of those roles and STAY in our Rs! Shakti Gawain has a really good chapter on this in her book "living in the light". I don't know if you're in a position to recommend reading to your W, but that is a very beautiful book. It isn't an R book, but a personal growth book. It is very comforting and beautiful. She writes about how we put ourselves and our partners in boxes with labels on them. And after a while we get sick of those labels! That is what your W's comments reminded me of. We all want to get out of our boxes and labels.
Your post lifted my spirits so, so, so much... Keep us posted !!!!!!!!
I am at work, just got in, and you made my cry so early in the morning. I am crying because I can imagine how you must have felt after and during this discussion with your W. It's incredible to finally see your efforts pay off, it's shocking how fine the line is between beeing blue and extremely happy. You deserve it! All of us do and it's great that some of us actually get it. I don't want to get into advice and staff. You'll do fine as always. I am so very excited about you guys and you made my day (which I needed so much).
I have to say that I'm curious too. I have no idea what brought either of these sudden turn arounds. This week has been one whirlwind of emotions for me and I feel a bit dizzy...