Unrequited Love...

[bhopeful]

The weekend was good. We hung out all day Saturday and had a lot of fun shopping and stuff. She went out with some friends Saturday night, but before she left she asked if she could come back to the house. I didn't have a problem with this, so I said sure. She ended up sleeping in bed with me that night. She hung around with me until early Sunday evening and then said that she had to get ready for the week and that she'd better head home. On her way home, her battery died and she called me. So I took off to go help her. I ended up driving 50 miles round trip and changing her battery in subzero temperatures. After I got it fixed and since we were close to her place, she invited me up for some hot cocoa.

I sat by her heat register and drank my cocoa while she started doing some laundry. After a while we got into some R talk. She started telling me how she's afraid that if she moved back that things would be the same. She told me some of the things that she needs me to do. (Some of which I'm already doing, but she needs to know that they are going to stick.) I told her that I'm committed to working on things and that if want things to be different then they will be...

Well then today we got into the following instant messenger conversation (note that I've eliminated some of the general chit chat):
W: can i quit my job and move back in?
i'm being dead serious
B: I've offered that before...
W: i mean, like right now
quit
B: I think we could make it.
W: i have to pay off the rest of the cottage though, i think
do the math and get back with me
B: through when?
W: I never signed a lease though so I know it's month to month
B: yeah
and you've paid this month?
W: I will be today
B: How long of a commitment did you give them?
W: end of May
But I didn't sign a lease
B: True, so you're not legally bound.
W: No
Could we make it?
B: I'm crunching the numbers
W: Even if I picked up something part-time in the mean time
W: I'm going to eat some lunch
B: ok
W: Let's figure this out though
..........
B: I'll get it figured out.

(Job related stuff about how much she hates it)

W: honestly
Let me know if it's doable
I'm so sorry for everything
and for this
B: no worries.

Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright.
W: i am bawlign right now
i can't take it
B: I'm sorry
..........
W: Things with us have to work out though
For real...
I mean, I can't be unhappy and then jobless too
B: I know that. I want more than anything for them to.
W: I want to feel loved and whole again.
B: I know you do. I want you to feel that way too

(A bunch of finance related stuff)

W: I just can't take it B
I can't do it anymore
I took this job so that I would be able to live on my own if it came down to that, which it did. But I still love you.
B: I love you too W.
W: I want to be with you but I just need to know that things will change... not just with you but also with me.
I need to be able to let my past go.
Which will be hard.
Very hard.
But I just can't deal with all of this anymore. I don't want to be divorced.
B: We can work on things together.
You don't need to do it alone

(A whole lot of stuff about decorating the house)

B: It would look cool
W: And I would feel like I was expressing myself
B: need a new light over the table too
W: through art in the house
Yeah.
I would love to do that.
Oh B... I love you and I miss you so much
I just can't stand it anymore.
B: I miss you too.
and love you too
W: I have to tell OM when he gets back that I can't see him anymore
He will be heartbroken.
B: I imagine he will be
I know that I would be
W: I didn't tell you this but he bought me a plane ticket to Spain.
B: wow
W: Yes I know.
It is my Christmas present
I was shocked
very much
B: I bet
W: I am supposed to fly out of GR on the 30 May
B: makes my used snowboard to you look pretty crappy.
W: No way
land in Madrid on the 31
But I don't have a feeling in my heart for him as much as for you.
B: You know that you have my heart
W: I know.
I want to decorate the house and have fun things with you, even we are poor
and I want to make changes with you and be good too you
B: I want those things too.
We've been poor once and it wasn't bad. I think that we can do it again.
W: and i want to ride my bicycle around our neighborhood and make more wine, and garden some more...
B: Maybe we're better off poor.
W: I can always just move back in and still keep my job.
I feel like we might be better off poor
I've only known how to be poor
B: You need to get out of there. You don't need that stress in your life.
W: I honestly don't know what it's like to have money and it makes me evil
I can do all kinds of volunteer work.
...........
W:
I just know that I do miss you...
W: I have hated being alone
B: I haven't been real fond of it either.
W: Our love is strong B
B: you make my heart happy.
W: One thing I have realised is that I don't like labels.
I don't like being called a wife
I kinda hate it really
B: I won't call you that then
W: I would rather be a partner
It makes me feel more equal.
B: that's what you really are
W: I know.

(More stuff about decorating the house)

W: Well.. give me some time to sort things out with my personal file
I do want to move back home.
I'm pretty sure of it.
B: ok. as long as you are sure.
W: It's only fair I talk to OM
I feel like I am.
B: yeah
W: He deserves at least that.
B: I understand
W: I don't just want to bail and never say goodbye. He is a good person and a good friend too me.
I feel like I like him because he was my creative outlet... he let me explore and supported it.
I want to express myself and explore with you.
But I want you to let me do it.
B: I want that too.

She came over tonight after work and we rehashed all of this in person. It seems that she's committed to coming home and working things out. Now it's just a matter of when. I'm not in any hurry, so I won't push her. She can take her time. My heart is content for now just knowing that she wants to work it out.

Sorry that this is so long, but I thought that it was pretty important. As always, input is appreciated.

Peace,
B