Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

Well crud! Blew it again. H really sets me off in ways that I can't control sometimes. I guess my anger is really bringing out my inner BI%@H!

H hadn't called S13 in 5 days, but who's counting? Anyway, that irked me but I figured it was his problem and I couldn't obsess over it. H had made a Dr's appt for S13 (his monthly med-check w/his psych) when he took him last month. H had told me last week not to contact him unless it had to do with emergency for S13 because I was "Harassing" him. I had been trying to figure out how to tell H to get his own car insurance because I was taking him off mine without contacting him directly when I get a text from him saying to send the car title out with S13 when he picks him up for karate tonight so he can get his own car insurance. I've never heard of an insurance company needing a car title for insurance so I asked who told him he needed it. No response. I sent him a text then (yes, it was a little snarky) asking to clarify for me - He can contact me anytime for anything but I am not to contact him re: anything but I couldn't contact him without being accused of harassment? He sent back I could contact him but not to be so mean because this isn't easy for him either. Oh gees, give me a break. He walks away from all his responsibilities and his family that loves him but this isn't easy for him? Boo hoo, cry me a freakin' river. Ok, obviously a really bad night for me based on the attitude I'm giving off, huh?

I then called him and asked again who told him he needed the title. He said they didn't tell him he needed it he just figured since he is going to be the one driving that car that he should have the title. I got really upset by this because I can't trust him at all now and I said....ok, wait for it......"I am not going to just hand over the car title so you can sell the car out from under me and when you get your way and get the new car since the loan is in your name I'll be left with no transportation." Yeah, I know.....bad, bad, bad......He got completely indignant (with some just cause I guess) that I would think that he would do that. Of course, that how he got when I begged him to tell me if there was OW and he went ballistic on me denying it. I told him that I didn't know what he would do since he is completely nuts right now. He actually laughed at me and said, "I'm nuts, huh?" I said, "Yes. I can't trust you any further than I could throw you." That's when he hung up on me.

OOOOOHHHHHH......that made me so darned mad! I know I shouldn't have talked to him. I was having such a good day before all of this, actually had a good weekend not having to deal with his crud at all. I did later apologize for getting pissy with him but that I am the one left holding the bag for everything and he has walked off to his oh so happy life without us and it's still too raw for me. I did tell him we need to sit down and try to come to some agreement about some things without the L's present so that they don't bleed us dry in the mediation. The more we can agree on in advance the better.

I don't like who my H has become but I don't especially like who I have been either. I'm working on that now but the anger overwhelms all of the good work I've been doing. I need to stop and pray before I react to anything he says or does. I know that but applying it is another story.

Any advice on staying calm when they rattle your cage would be most appreciated.

Thanks for listening all!