She's Gone - No Contact

[NikB]

Hey K,

Glad you've gotten some other perspectives.

From reading your last few days of posts, I think you are still extremely focused and obsessing about her. Let her go and leave her alone. For example..

So do you think, like my shrink, that the religion thing is just an excuse to distance from me? He says the bottom line is she's unaccepting of her sexuality (like you said). Religion, our problems not getting along, etc. are all just "excuses."

Who knows.. you couldn't read her mind before when you were in the R, you're DEFINITELY not gonna be able to now. (I know we've all tried!!)

What is your estimate of how long "her process" might take?

Take a look at yourself... how much work you've done and how much furter you have to go. That's going to be VERY individual for everyone, but that may give you an indication that it's going to (unfortunately) be a long, slow process if it ever happens.

Please anyone - when should I send a card, call or send a text to "test the waters?"

Regarding a call or text on March 1st - which would you do, send a text, call on the phone or wait for her to call (I probably won't email, we don't typically communicate that way and hers is at work and she doesn't check it often, etc.)?

Don't even worry about this right now.. focus on you. I can see how you'd get absolutely focused on this "March 1 text" thing and obsess with that, instead of working on other things to make your life great.

2. Saffie - What makes you think that the hope for her returning is small? Do you know of other lesbians who were questioning their identity (or their religious beliefs) and never returned?

I'm not Saffie, but from my perspective.. sometimes when the person leaves they are really and truly DONE with the relationship. I can't recall if it's on your thread or somewhere else that I posted this - but I truly think her STBXH could invent the cure for cancer, give it to everyone for free, and she'd STILL want nothing to do with him. From talking with her, I can tell you that there is absolutely NOTHING he could do/have done to change her mind once she left. MANY of the people who are the "walkaways" here probably think the same thing and are surprised when we make changes and they begin doubting their choice. That's what we hope for. But sometimes, there is no changing their mind, period.

3. Anyone - Is there a chance she will accept her sexual identity alone? I really don't see her going to a counselor for help.

Not your problem and not your job to "fix" for her. Let it go and hope she finds a good path for herself.