Been reading the boards for quite some time. Thought I'd put my first post up to get some support...I'm having a really hard time. Me: 38, W:43, together 8yrs, very emotionally connected and close relationship (so I thought) but sexual relshp fallen off over last 2-3 yrs. ILYBNILWY end November. Absolutely devastated and no clue this was coming; she said she had hidden this feeling from even herself, so I couldn't have known(!?). Thing is, we were so close and spent a lot of time together. Wife high achiever, v.stressed from her work a lot. She never said "relshp over" but rather "I'm moving out"; a 6 month trial separation. She said she wondered if she was having an MLC...that she is getting older and that sex is important to her. That our relshp is wonderful in so many ways but that this part has been missing for some time now and she is scared that time is running out in her life for this, in a sense. 9This sounds like MLC, right...?)
Since then, largely email contact. She initiated an invite to get together for a walk once and I did once. Both seemed positive experiences (for both of us) and we talked about day to day stuff but also some good connection re: R talk.
I did the usual clinging, devastated, pleading, crying, etc. thing for the first 5 weeks. Been DBng for 3 weeks now...it's really hard! But here are my changes so far:
-no more ILY or I miss you in emails (what was I thinking?!) -no requests for get together or R talks -keeping emails lighter, using humour too at times -keeping emails brief, or matched to her length -not asking much about her life, though conveying positive wishes for her to have a good day /week etc.
I've been in IC, exercising, eating better bc. Trying to connect with v. limited # friends I have, reading DB boards and learning about MLC. Doing better at work, but I still feel anxious and like crap every day. So hard to not obsess.
After 1st walk, about 3 weeks ago, W. asked what I thought about going out to a production in Feb (really emphasizing as FRIENDS ONLY. I said "sure".
After 2nd wlk W. said she'd be open to MC, but w/focus on exploring vs. reconciling. Said one may or may not lead to the next, and that sometimes things just end because that's as far as it can go. Appointment booked for next week.
Since then (2 weeks ago) no walks. Usually daily or every 2nd day email contact. She stopped picking up her mail from the place a couple of weeks ago, now asks me to leave it for her at a place we both drop by independently once per week. Makes me feel she's pulling back.
I've been really working hard and I know it's only a few weeks. I'm trying so hard to GAL, but it is very difficult. Really didn't / don't have much in my own life outside of her and work. I really identify with LBS's on boards reading about the mood swings, sense of rejection, questioning of self and the other, confusion and generally craziness of the whole experience!
-I know my wife has clearly said that I've been by far the most important person / loving relationship in her life and that she loves me very very much, but that it's been a long time since feeling sexually toward me. (No OM / PA, though I thought this was a possibility). When a WAS says ILYBNILWY, what are some of the meanings of this?
-It it so hard to go from being such a central part of a person's life and vice versa, to suddenly feeling like a distant acquaintance. I'm struggling a lot with this!
-Why should we believe "none of what we hear and half of what we see?" I keep reading this is DB and the boards, but can someone tell me why again?!
-I feel so hopeless sometimes...like I move from utterly hopeless to slightly hopeless!
Thanks for any support or ideas...I know I must be patient and that this is hard as he**. I'm feeling lost at sea and trying to get grounded, but still flailing about. Sorry for my lengthy babble. I hope some of it make sense.
I hear your pain and frustration and understand completely. You need to find an outlet for your frustration and sadness and you have come to the right place for that. We are all here to listen and offer as much support as we can.
Although no one here is an expert, we have all been dealing with these MLC'ers for varying amounts of time.
Now, to the struggles you are having today.
I know you say that you are sure there is no OM/PA. I was "sure" of that at first also and H adamantly denied it until I actually caught him red-handed so to speak. Just prepare yourself for any possibility. Since she said that sex is so important to her right now but she is not feeling sexually toward you right now it sent up a few red flags in my head. Not to say that she is lying about there being no OM, I just think you should be prepared for the possibility.
I know what you mean about being a central person in her life and the suddenly having little contact. I talked to my H every day, several times per day for 18 years. Now, we have NC unless it has to do with our son. Even then it is strained at best with him threatening all sorts of legal crud (which he has no leg to stand on about but it must make him feel like he has control) if the conversation doesn't go exactly like he wants it. The only way to get beyond that is to find ways to occupy your time. Find a hobby you could get interested in, preferrably one that you can be around other people doing. Do you attend a church? If so, do they have any bible study groups you could join?
I am also struggling with the "believe none of what we hear and half of what we see" so I'm afraid I'm no help with that. All I can say is that in my understanding, the spew that comes from the MLC'ers mouth is mostly a bunch of BS that you can't take to heart in any way and what you see is usually an act they are putting on. That's how I see it anyway.
Purr, you will feel hopeless for a while until you can let go of her to work on herself and only be concerned with working on YOU. You need to use this time to grow as a person. Examine the things in your life that can be improved on - relationships with friends & family, spiritual life, physical wellbeing, etc.
I'm not really sure what else to say right now that could help you but know that you are not alone in this. We will all be here to give advice where we can and support always.
Take care.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hi Purr... I think you are doing well so far, good for youfor breaking the cycle of crying/pleading! Took me 2 months :-/ Also, fanstastic she has agreed to go for MC...have you picked a good one? I know the DB/DR books talk quite a bit about choosing "solution orientated" MC who support NOT breaking up.
At 43 you're W is in classic MLC mode, and probs started around 41/42 and as she moved through it, the pressure to make changes forced her to tell you. I would just say be patient. MLC is a big slow moving cycle and can take a few years to work through from my understanding, although like I said, its probably been building for a year or two anyway. Sorry I cant offer you much advice, I am new to all this myself! Although I guess alot of us are. I relate to what you say about how can we go from being best friends and completely get along and speak every day and so involved with each others lives, to this and then NC??? I had to contend with that and yes, it was very very painful. Three months on from the bomb, he asked to see me today and we spent 3 hours together. As friends though, but if you continue to wait and DB, you never know... Best wishes, Ali _________________ Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 3 months on
Last edited by sgctxok; 02/10/0807:41 PM.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thanks for your posts of support. Feels good to know that I'm not alone out here with this. Re: OM / PA, I realize it is a possibility, though at this point I am trying not to spend much time dwelling on it, as this just put me into a tailspin pretty quickly.
Ali, I've ordered the book you suggested and one or two others. It does help to try and learn more about what might be the experience of the other person. So much guesswork for the LBS. I read your story last night...our sitch's are different but have some similarities, esp on the timelines! I'm going to respond over on your thread later.
Hey Purr, Sorry that you're here but you're in a good place where people know exactly how you feel. What helps me when I start obsessing over the problem is really vigorous exercise. Also, one thing that has helped me lately is the realization that I don't NEED my wife. I want her, but I don't need her to survive and function. It helps you detach. All the old pros here will tell you that learning how to detach is the key. It's damn hard though, and I'm still working on it.
Also,if you haven't already, go back to the top of this forum and read some of the MLC info...really helpful. Another thing that has helped me is to understand what our alien spouses are thinking. Try going over to pathpartners.com and read the forums for the midlife wives and you'll have a better understanding of their thinking.
Hang in there buddy. This is an exquisite hell, I know.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Hey Purr, Sorry that you're here but you're in a good place where people know exactly how you feel. What helps me when I start obsessing over the problem is really vigorous exercise. Also, one thing that has helped me lately is the realization that I don't NEED my wife. I want her, but I don't need her to survive and function. It helps you detach. All the old pros here will tell you that learning how to detach is the key. It's damn hard though, and I'm still working on it.
Also,if you haven't already, go back to the top of this forum and read some of the MLC info...really helpful. Another thing that has helped me is to understand what our alien spouses are thinking. Try going over to pathpartners.com and read the forums for the midlife wives and you'll have a better understanding of their thinking.
Hang in there buddy. This is an exquisite hell, I know.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Thanks, I've been reading lots of threads and info, which does help. Have visited pathpartners too...sometimes a little depressing to read! But important info for sure.
"Exquisite hell" is a good way of putting it. Weekends are really tough for me. Sometimes GAL is too much...just need to get by day-to-day. Just don't know what she's thinking. It is so discouraging to not get a more concrete sign of hope. Hard to tell how serious she is about all this. I see that there are some small, positive signs, but I sometimes just have this feeling that it's just not that important a priority to her. I know it's probably not true, but I can't get this idea out of my mind that she's handling everything so well, not upset...I can imagine her thinking about me / us, but not missing me or what we had. (Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm feeling like a mess!)
Probably hard to tell from my posts, but I've been working at detachment. Sometimes though, I just feel like I'm the crazy one, since she seems so...okay. There are so many blanks, and so it's hard not to go filling them in with negatives in the absence of positives.
Geez, this has been a rough day for me...just can't seem to get settled. Think I'll go for the mundane stuff like cleaning, laundry just to get me doing something. It's such a strange kind of "alone" feeling.
Going to first MC session tomorrow...I was okay up until today but now starting to get a little anxious. In a way, I'm surprised because I thought I would be more excited, since this is something I wanted. I think I'm just not too hopeful. She emailed to say she's "looking forward to seeing me--and anxious too!". That's about the warmest statement I've heard in 2 1/2 months!
Guess I'm not sure on how to "be" during the session...I know I need to go in with PMA and not be acting like I'm going to a funeral! At the same time, this is and has been really hard for me...not sure how to show that I'm okay when I still feel really messed up inside. I want to be real about it, you know?
I think this will (hopefully) be just another positive conversation with someone to help us through...doubt that any major revelations will occur either way. Must prep so that I don't get defensive, but I don't want to over prepare as though it's rehearsed, because that doesn't feel right.
Arg!! Breathing is good, maybe try that for awhile and chill out.
Oh, and a backsliding confession: I offered to either meet her there or pick her up (work close by to her)...damn! Should have just left it. Maybe it's better to arrive separately, and then from there we can either hang out or leave separately too.
Purr Hi sounds hopeful and W sounds like MLC to me Try to listen in MC maybe just hear what she is going through validate dont be too pushy with your feelings and needs hear her out for the first session I say this b/c H and I did MC last year right after bomb It was too late anyway as h in MLC and unreachable last year I listened and sessions went ok when I started verbalizing what I wanted H closed down and refused to go again and finally left I think in MLC unless the person is really working on themselves and that is in IC and help, they will not be able to reconcile they are running from themselves only they think its us so I dont know about your W take it slow peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks for the words...you're right, I can focus more on listening and trying to understand her experience. This would be good as it's an area of some mystery to me.
Oh, a question to those wise DB minds perusing the boards...I often read that "time is on our side", but what does this mean?
