Meredith - your 5 years..

[cagzmom]

First may I say ... wow wow and wow!! So much truth - so much. I appreciate this so much!! For the first time in almost 6 months I am seeking advice here FOR ME ..and Meredith..well thank you.

I didn't see myself as the strong one either. He had all the cards and I was just hoping for the best, right? Plus in all my efforts to control the situation I was freely admitting that I was NOT the strong one. Emotionally, strong is relative. I was strong enough in the end to get up off the floor and walk forward, no matter how many walls I bumped into along the way but it didn't feel very strong to me, then. Co-dependancy can play into this too, but that's one of those easy labels.

Yes he held the cards - all of them. NEVER has anyone said it so plainly. There is something about the label though..it brought an "identity to me..MANY MANY ah ha moments this past year.

From what you've said in your last post, I would advise that you not file for divorce at this time. Saying "See?" sounds good, believe me I know. But it rarely brings much peace. Especially when you'll be having a lot of future children-related interaction.

This falls back to what you said later in your post...3 choices. DO/Dont and WAIT. I ONLY want to move with peace now. My fear of course is that HE will file...

How did I get calm? Drugs. Good ones.

And wine..a few beers...oh wait that isn't the way we are suppose to cope is it??!! SHOOT!

In darkness, I switched children with the mindset that I had to rush and it was buckle, buckle, leave. In pre-darkness I'd stretch to keep his attention on the phone. In darkness I would change the subject or have to go when the conversation veered off course. I was never once rude, in darkness. Pre-darkness I'd find reasons to call and then excuse myself by saying, "well, I had to know if the baby ate dinner, didn't I!??!" No, not really. It became a challenge to NOT call. Here baby, are you hungry? No? You must have eaten. It works just as well as phone tag and is far more effective.

Here I think I am dark..yet when he is here I do find ways to "lingerlonger." truth being I find things to talk about....and this is what I need to STOP! FOR ME!!

Eventually, when I was interacting with him ONLY on shared interests, I lost a lot of the tension and resentment. I would also trust my instinct/peace by praying or meditating and asking "divorce?" and waiting for the answer (to me there are three potential answers - yes, no and wait). When I felt calm with "yes", I filed.

THANK you for sharing that.

that revolation, and then made his apology.

Unless you live in Smallville, I'm going to assume that the monster really is a shell for a man who is confused and is lashing out in that confusion. If he's anything like my husband, it's a lot easier to do what feels good in the moment than to inwardly examine what's wrong. It's a lot easier to blame and push than it is to accept someone's positive changes. And to be totally fair - it must be tough to accept at first!

Uh do you know my husband? He is a runner-rather than face his stuff he will lie to himself and those around him. Yes the monster is a mess....

If you're dark, it won't matter who he is or isn't done with. It won't matter what he does with his time. You're far to busy to deal with that right now - busy being you.

finally some true definitions or ideas or i don't know..i just think I see how i have lied to myself. I have been distant- kind- and strong - but still to muhc "light". Dark is what I NEED!!

MOST IMPORTANTLY, you are NOT going to miss the one vital opportunity to save this marriage if you are dark. By hanging up a phone you are NOT going to be missing out on his once in a lifetime revelation of personal feelings. By dodging his interaction you are NOT going to be consenting to his new lifestyle and sending him into it deeper. It took me a long time to truly understand that.

And the final truth. The reason I stay "awake" and haven't gone dark. AFRAID of missing out on the "chance." Jeez' I feel like a fool...NOT in a bad way..but just having you actually write that last part. It was like you saw into my head. Yet another wakeup call.

The interaction with him when he picks up my daughter is hard. NOT because he is mean. My husband is "passive agressive." He doesnt want to fight either...he would rather be kind and mess with my head. AND OF COURSE IT DOES! I need to be busy ---find a way to be in a rush when he comes. YES for a time it will be a game..but hopefully in time it wont be.

thank you for taking the time to write.