Thanks guys for the good words! LA was great. Courtesy of the Iowa Bar Association (via my sister): 1)I got to stay at the Beverly Hilton in B.H. 2)I got to eat at Spago on Rodeo drive (Wolfgang Puck's place) 3)Also got to eat at Geisha House in West Hollywood (Ashton Kutcher's place) 4)Got to go out to Skybar (usually home to the young rich stupid girls, but on Sat. was mostly attorneys) 5)Had two bottles of vodka (actually, I had ONE glass but the rest of my group had much more) totaling $973 at Skybar 6)Got invited into the ballroom where Clive Davis had his party at 2:30 am Sat/Sun, although most of the beautiful people were gone I got free food and coffee--such a nerd, I drank coffee! But i wanted to enjoy the weekend, not regret it.....
So the weekend was fun, real life, not so much..... 1)S5 has a fever over 105 since last night, went to Dr. he has ear infection and dehydration, home w/him today and tomorrow
2)Got in a fight w/H yesterday. Same old/same old. He lost a wheel on his trailer (wheel and hub actually and messed up the axle) while returning from a hay trip to Iowa at 2 in the morning Sat/Sun. He and I exchanged texts about the ordeal while I was at Skybar. Yesterday (Sun) he called me while I was at LAX waiting for my plane. I asked, "Are you dealing with your wheel problem today?" as a way to make conversation/show my concern/support. He responded by screaming at me, how could he fix it on a Sunday, besides he bought the trailer from the rental place (AND DIDN'T TELL ME) but couldn't find the warranty so he would have to pay $1K to fix the axle himself, missed his chance at moving 2 loads of hay on Sunday, etc. etc. etc. Just blew up at me. Told me I didn't know what I was talking about. I agreed, said I didn't know b/c he doesn't tell me things. Hung up bawling in middle of LAX gift shop, so embarrassing.......... Went to bathroom, pulled self together,sent a series of TMs to H (my phone only handles 140 characters of msg. at a time so it took a few messages)
Basically I said
If trying to speak to you about your life and understand what you are going through = getting my a$$ chewed, I have no desire to speak to you except re. the kids. I know your hay and trailer issues aren't about me (he said I was making the sitch about me), but I love YOU and want to be able to know what you are going through. When you don't tell me things then yell at me bc I don't know what I am talking about it hurts. I was trying to be supportive of your situation & in return I got chewed out. If being w/you requires me to read minds or just sit back and shut up I am not interested. I expect and deserve better from my husband. Why is it so hard for you to say "This is what is going on right now and it sucks and I'm frustrated?" To just talk to me about your problems w/out getting angry at me.
Anyway I was reacting not just to the one conversation but to the things about H that have created a lot of our problems. I know what I do to hurt our R, and I was reacting to the things about him that I think hurt our R. So I spent the flight contemplating my M and whether I could be patient enough to let things progress. I know I got a kiss goodbye and sex last week. But honestly, I could go months w/out sex if I got an honest, loving look into my eyes and heard my H say he loves me. I would prefer he held my hand and said he missed me/loved me over sex any day. Just the way I am, I guess. So the kids got home when I did--my dad brought them down from Iowa where they spent the weekend. That is when I found out S had the high fever. So H and I dealt w/him until bedtime. Then I asked S if he were going to address my messages. He said he was sorry he yelled at me. I said it was more than that.....H said he really did want to work on things. I said he needed to do more than just say the words. I told H he couldn't be my H if things kept on this way. That I only wanted things that any reasonable wife would want. H is taking the day off today to handle the trailer/wheel issues. I pointed out that it was such a priority to deliver the hay that he could take a day off to work on it, but did he give me 30 seconds a day to hold my hand, tell me he loved me, make me feel important to him? Just 30 seconds? He said No, he didn't. I said I had been telling him (periodically, not daily) for 3 months that those things were what I needed to want to stay in our M, and I just didn't think I could wait anymore. H said he didn't want to stop being my H. I said well you know what I want/need for us to continue trying. When he left for work this morning he said bye, love you and kissed me. He checked in from the road to see how S's doctor went. And he called again later this afternoon to check in. So we will go from here. It is weird, the closer we get to officially deciding to stay together, the more I seem to be increasing my demands........... In Nov. when I found out about the A, all I wanted was my H back with me. But now I know I can't just settle for that....Is this normal????????
