Thanks for helping me to feel better about not calling. I am trying very hard to do this and I need to pull a complete 180 for it to have any chance at success.
I'm going to talk w/ my T this afternoon and hopefull get some cardio exercise in for the 1st time since Tuesday (D-Day).
I hope you are doing well also, and I'll try to head over to your thread later today.
Welcome and thank you for checking in. If you want to know my entire sitch, I have them linked on the 1st entry in this thread.
As for the ring, I'm leaving it on. I don't want to take it off and I want her to know I'm committed to us. Her ring is off right now and it breaks my heart to see it.
Thanks again for stopping by and I hope you will do so again. RTL
First of all, I did smile, so thank you for that! It really helped me. I also appreciate the encouragement and I'll keep pushing to send my love to my D every night.
I also want to thank you for pointing out that her call last night was a little positive that I have to keep going on with what I'm doing. I didn't look at it that way, but I now know I'm going to make sure I'm kind, loving, and caring when we speak so she doesn't think I'm too cold. I need to respond to her, but not go overboard. I need to talk to her, but also let her feel as if I'm doing ok on my own.
It is going to be hard, but I'm also hoping it will continue to be difficult for her. She sent the text last night telling me I could call and when we were talking, she said "I wasn't going to call you because, (pause), never mind." I didn't persue it, but maybe I should have.
I'm not sure if her hesitating to call is a good or bad thing. Do I need to reach out to her this week with a phone call or maybe a text tonight telling my D goodnight and asking how she's doing or if she's ok?
I'm not real sure, but I want to be very thoughtful and mindful of my actions and reactions so I don't backslide and lose some of the precious time I currently have.
You also gave me the great advice to focus on the main question about answering my goal and is what I'm doing getting us closer or further apart?
I have to think about this every day and every time there is to be an interaction. I hate having the L's involved, but that is the card she threw down 1st, so I have to play it at this point. I will continue to stall and stall and stall for as long as I can with this.
I'm hoping that the more time W has to be completely alone, the more she'll be able to honestly reflect on our situation.
Your analogy of your sitch made very clear sense, so thank you for that. It is good to know we aren't alone here and it really helps to keep going when we have support from others either in the same boat or ahead of us on a very similar path.
Well my opinion on calling is this...my H and I are actually quite civil and we agreed when he first left that he would call everynight at 7:30 to say goodnight. I would rec. you do something of the same on the nights when you don't have D as I am sure you will have her here soon. Then also extend the invite to your W to call on nights you have D so she can talk to her and say goodnight. This is just my opinion though. I know my kids eagerly await daddy's call even though some nights S8 doesn't want to talk to him out of hurt but they still enjoy talking to him.
Keep doing what you are doing...I call it 'going grey' not 'going dark' as DB says. There has to be a fine line somewhere in the middle for those of us with kids. While on one hand we would love to cut the WAS off cold turkey and really make them miss us and the kids and realize their place is home we simply can't do that so we go GREY...lol. Hope this helps!
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Ok, kind of a slip up here. I opened up a yahoo mail account b/c my W and I had shared our msn account and I needed something else in case I had information to send, etc.
Well, once I got on, I put in W's yahoo e-mail (the one the OM set up for her) and she was on. I then clicked on her e-mail to try and delete it, but I activated it instead. I immediately deleted it and I'm pretty sure my W saw that it was me. I wasn't trying to spy on her, but I did err by even checking if she was on-line tonight. Well, I won't be doing that one again, for sure. If I need to use the secondary mail account, I won't be checking to see if she is on-line. Not exactly a great piece of DBing on my part, even if I was trying to delete her contact instead of activate it. Oh, well. I'll live and learn, I guess.
My L called this afternoon to check in w/ me and tell me he got my e-mail updates. He also said W's lawyer has yet to contact him regarding our proposal for custody of D. I'm guessing W didn't like our offer for equal time, so I'm not sure where we go now.
Yesterday, W offered for me to have D on Thursday and Friday and I didn't confirm it w/ her b/c I wasn't sure of the legal end at the time. However, after talkng to my T today, I've decided I'll contact my L about wanting to see my D this week. I'm hoping he'll say it is ok to do and we can get it going.
My T suggested that I'd be smart to get my D this week, not only because I really want to see her, but it can help me out against my W who is claiming she's afraid of me.
So, if I'm so scary, dangerous, and intimidating, why would she allow a 4year old to be with me unsupervised? It can only help my case to have time alone with my D, so I'm contacting my L about it tomorrow.
Otherwise, I haven't done too much today as I came home and watched a movie and now I'm looking forward to bed. Today seemed to go much easier than I had thought and I am thankful for all the great support I received from everyone throughout the day.
I'll be interested to see how big of a slip up I acutally made? Big one or small blip? Truth be told, I was seeing if she was on line, but wasn't planning on contacting her. Does the fact I was curious to see if she was on line a bit obsessive? I think it is an anti-DB move. The question is "did it get me closer to my goal? Probably not. But it should be forgotten soon as long as I don't check on her again.
Ok I'm about to pass out at the key board, so it is up to bed for me. Talk to you all later and I'm looking forward to your feedback.
Hi RTL...snooping is so hard not to do in your sitch,but DONT do it ! Imagine yourself in her shoes, would it p*ss you off if someone did that to you? Of coruse it would, its an invasion of her privacy...thats what she said she didnt like about being in the house with you? But..as you share an email account (?) she may put it down to confusion over that, so dont worry about it for now, just dont do it again !!! Also, I wouldnt go to your L about everything to do with your D?? If your W offered you to take her, just accept and be glad?? L dont rule the world, do what feels right in your heart? Also, you said..
Quote:
She is claiming I haven't been interested in speaking with my D during this time, but she is using this because she's mad at me b/c I'm not doing what she wants me to do. She wants me to contact her regularly and to answer every one of her questions right away.
and that this was a 180 for you or something..I'm confused by that, you said above that she felt smothered by you, so you are planning to ignore her contact...well, I think essentially you need to give her space, and not pursue her, as this DB stuff says, but if she contacts YOU, I would respond...and be caring and kind and calm and not angry or cold or resentful of closed off, just dont go overboard. Dont tell her you miss her or love her...just be there for her basically. Dont ignore her !? As long as its not YOU calling/emailing, I think thats ok?
Anyone agree?
You've had such a busy time, its all happening at once for you, but you are getting through it and tonnes of help, which is ace Ali _____________ Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 3 months on
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I feel like an idiot because I wasn't even thinking I was snooping, but that is exactly how it will come off as. In any event, I was on-line and was wondering if she was as well. That is where I can't go. I have to let that attachment sit for now. My biggest problem is I find myself stuck here b/c I don't know what is happening with my D. Therefore, I'm at home and I have too much time on my hands and too much access to the computer.
I really need to work on GAL. That will really, really help.
If she's on-line, then so be it, but I won't be out looking for her. It was late, I was sleepy, and I weakened because I had sent a text earlier telling my D goodnight and to call if she wished which received nothing (as I expected). Oh, well. It isn't the end of the world, especially if it isn't repeated.
I've stopped checking her cell phone records and now I'll look today to find a different e-mail account and use it instead. That way, I won't ever be on at the same time or site as she is. She won't be able to see me on line and I won't be tempted to contact her.
I do need to see about getting my D and I'll try and figure something out about that today. I'll let you all know what is going on.
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