Thanks for the advice, can I ask you what you mean by play? You mean relax by herself, or `play` with the OM and her fantasy world?
Cheers Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
When I do it right then the DBing goes well. Tonight was a good night. Her admitting that `we` might have a possibility... who knows the future? That she could let the OM go for the good of a R. I tried a bit of reverse phycology again, I know that her R with OM can go nowhere (except as her being the OW in his M). SO when she mentioned him in conversation (talking about him in a friend way) I said that it was great she had his support and I didnt want to force them apart. I know he is important for her for now. She looked a bit relaxed at that, which prompted her to say the things I mentioned above. We had a chat about non important things for a while too tonight which has been rare recently.
I ducked out of the conversation on my own terms tonight instead of overstaying my welcome. Which was also good. My main problem is that I can see the baby steps, and if I get a roll going.. maybe 2 or 3 in a conversation or throughout the day then I keep going for just one more... just one more... just.. oh crap blew it!! Learning to control that.
Saw (was not looking for it) a valentines day card between her papers, sticking out. It wasnt closed so I had a look. Mainly I wanted to see if it was mine, as she said she bought one, and I wanted to see the tone, so I could write mine accordingly. Anyway it was for OM, in fact there were 2 for him, I think one she mustnt have liked the message she wrote so tried a new one. Anyway, the gist was that she thanked him for his support and for making her laugh and smile during the day, and generally for being around for her. It was not signed `love from`, just Ws name and a couple of kisses. That is a positive. I am sure he will get her one, and another guy in her work will get her one, and she got an anonymous card today. She said she will show me the anon one and the other friends one, but probably not the OMs card. (ahhh big loss for me there). She said he might not send her one... I think he will. But I dont care!!
On the whole a good night, tomorrows goal is to be cool and calm again and have another pleasant night.
Cheers all, thanks for reading!!
Steve
PS. anyone have any ideas for a suitable Valentines message for when in this sitch... maybe a nice poem or something if someone knows a good one.
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Steve this sounds good ... the fact your W says there might be hope, but be prepared for her to retract that too. I had "we were good together once, we could be again" one month and "I can't stay married to you" the next.
Just to warn you there will be downs as well as ups. One other warning - buckle up for the loooooooooooooooooooooong ride. Each situation is different, but one thing I almost never see on here is a sitch resolved in a few months. You can pretty much bank on being at this DB'ing for all of this year.
My sitch took far longer than I hoped - I got my first bomb 05/09/05, H moved out for 2 months, then I got bombed again 31/03/06 (see I know all my bomiversary dates), the only time I have felt really able to relax has been since about the end of last year, so let's say December 2007. I was DB'ing for all of 2006 and most of 2007 too. Two years at it. It wasn't all bad, I got to piecing and there are a whole heap of issues to deal with there (like not being sure you want the WAS back - yes one day you may feel you don't love your W) but the road up to my H finally stopping saying he wanted out then saying he did love me (and they didn't happen at the same time, there was a gap of a fw months between those) was long.
Slow and steady wins this race. It will often feel like 3 steps forward and 2 back. The WAS has a comfort blanket of ILYBINILWY/OM or OW/I want a D and to let go of that for them ain't easy. Remember too these words - SHOW DON'T TELL. I told my H I had changed, things could be good blah blah etc. He didn't listen. I showed him and that had more of an effect, although it was slow to take effect.
Phew! I think i've made the point. The way of the DB'er is long and tough, and without any guarantees. But it's a way that will make you a far better man.
Take it easy and keep on postin - good and bad!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Thanks Jen, had a down day today, I was tired and some of what she said bothered me. I had done the vacuuming, using our new vacuum cleaner, I commented to her how good it was and she said that I should take it when we separate and she will have the other one. Later she said she could see my face was not happy, I told her that I would be ok, just tired, but she pushed for more. I told her that unfortunatly she cant help me with my problem as she is not in a position to say the things that would cheer me up. She played dumba nd asked for an explanation... and then we got into a R talk. I mentioned about finding her valentines card for him, well she got one today from someone else, a friend. She asked me if I minded the card, I told her I didnt mind that one. She said her and the OM probably wont send cards (LIE, I saw it!). I told her that anyway I didnt care what she did about that, but she said they probably wont. So the devil in me had to ask...`so you havent bought him a card then?`.. `no` she said. Oh dear. I saw a message in her phone (one of many) her message to him.. `thank you very much, I will wear them` who knows what he got her, earrings? Lingerie(proably not that as I do most of the washing, and I would find that). Anyway it doesnt matter, can change it, so not going to worry about it. Anyway in the R talk, we ran over the same old things, she has decided to spearate, cant change that... she likes the OM more than me...blah blah blah. She said that because i had found out about her sex with OM it was somehow `real` now and she couldnt ignore that. If I hadnt found out she could have worked on the M without feeling guilty or bad or whatever. Had a baby step at the end though. I told her that the only thing I have ever asked of her in this is to keep an open mind.. she said she is trying but I make it difficult sometimes. So less pressure from me and who knows... I know this may (will) take a long time, I just need to staert acting that way. Jen, it sounds like your separation was good for you guys, I cant help but think it might be what we need. If only we didnt have a baby on the way to complicate this, I could easier let her leave me if she wasnt carrying my child. I know this is a point for later, but I really dont want to OM to ever see the baby, because of the fact that he will look at it to see if it looks like him.
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
She admitted this morning that if the OM werent about then things would be different. This is the first time she has directly admitted that he is a problem between us!
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Got the audio book`the proper care and feeding of a marriage` by dr laura whatshername. I dont agree with everything, but it puts me in a more positive frame of mind for coming home, which is no bad thing. I greeted my wife `as if` I was happy and confident today, told her how great she looked and told her I realsied I was being a bit selfish recently, and to let me know if I can do anything for her. I think she liked my attitude. Didnt dislike it at any rate. PMA!!!!
Cheers
Steve
PS, most of my friends think I am crazy!
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Got the audio book`the proper care and feeding of a marriage` by dr laura whatshername. I dont agree with everything, but it puts me in a more positive frame of mind for coming home, which is no bad thing.
I picked up a couple of her books eons ago. They were horrible - I'm sure it's just me, but I it all sounded so contrived...
Hi Brit, like I said I dont really agree with what she says, but there is a definate positive vibe there, which helps to pick me up before I go back home. And its the only audiobook I could find on the subject.
Hi Lan, was beginning to miss you... almost! I think there are baby steps there, she has been throwing in the occasional reference to S, but trying to ignore it. Think she jsut wants to remind me of the `facts`. Yeah my friends cant undersatnd what I am trying to do, they all say they would kick the **** out of the OM, tell his W and leave my W with nothing. Not really what I am going for though! They all respect my choice though and have promised to be supportive.
Valentines day tomorrow, dont really know what to expect now. I have bought tickets for us to go to the opera on Saturday, a couple of weeks ago. But she doesnt want to go, because she has studying to do (I know that is all she is thinking of, as she is getting stressed as the studying seems to be going much slower than she hoped.) Have to pass the tickets onto my parents, lucky them hey!!
Cheers Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Bit sad this morning. Dont know why she bothered to buy a card. She has made it clear that there is no feeling in it I think. Wrote down my name, instead of my petname. I wrote about the fact that even though times are tough she had given me the best times of my life, and no matter what happens I will be there to support my family, both finacially and emotionally. (I went on a bit, bit she smiled and said thank you after) She said `have a lovely day` the kind of generic thing you write to anyone you dont know very well. Oh well. Got to take the body blow and roll with it. I kept a smile on my face until she had gone. Then my emotioned dropped a bit. Dont know what I was expecting, probably this to be honest, but still doesnt make it nice.
I know alot of you out there will think I am lucky to even get a card, and I dont mean to sound insensitive by all my complaining. But no card might have made me feel better than that. At least it said `to my husband` on the front.
Hers to the OM was a little more lovely on the front, but still just a friendly message inside (albeit longer and more personal than mine). She didnt write `love from` on his, but did on mine, but she has already countered that by telling me she was just being polite.
Get my PMA back into place by tonight and resume normal service.
I wrote my W a letter yesterday, one of those letters that i will never give her. I might write it down here. It is about my feelings about her and OM.
She has stopped watching desparate housewifes with me now, prefering by herself, as some of the storylines are a little too close to home! lol! Cheer
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
