Willing to be disturbed...

[ediemarie]

In continuation to above:
Yes, it unnerves me that H is unwilling to attend counseling. I feel like my hands are tied in that area. I could go myself and I have. Every counselor I have ever seen has just suggested that I leave my H. If I'm not getting what I want from him I should walk away. I don't agree. My H is my family and I don't believe you walk away from family. I believe that it is possible to come to terms with what each other wants, and to be able to deliver it. I've seen it happen in my own R.

I don't rely on my H for my happiness. There was a time when I did and I have found that to be misguided and down right ridiculous. I don't want H to be responsible for my happiness. I can do it myself. I like that about me. My independence. And I lost that when I got married. I've recently found it again and it is refreshing. I'm more me.

I know that H comes across as being disrespectful. I think it happens most in heated arguments. I have a tendency to throw barbs his way - I do. I bring up awful things from the past, his A isn't even off limits. When I get upset I just drudge it all back up again with the intent to hurt him. Imagine that. The INTENT to hurt him. Healthy? Nope. Am I getting better, yup. So any disrespect sent my way in the heat of an argument is probably deserved because my comments warrant ugliness. My hot italian blood boils and he gets the brunt of the anger. I find that when I am calm about things, and rational, and able to speak without getting upset we make progress. Now, why would H want to attend counseling with someone like that? Why would he want to ML to someone like that? Why would he want to be with someone like that? I have my own demons and my own issues with showing him respect. I guess you get what you give...