Worried I found DB too late

[cw68]

Well, I hope that I didn't just do a wrong turn, but it seemed like the right turn to me. We spent the whole day together yesterday, doing house stuff, playing with the kids, looking for new flooring, had dinner and the like. Had a very small R talk, but nothing really personal. (We're looking at getting new appliances and got into the 'what would we do if we stay together vs. what we would get to sell the house' debate, though neither one of us stated any positions or feelings.) He commented on me losing weight and hitting the gym a lot, though it wasn't in a "you look great" way or anything. We enjoyed each other and he even reached out and hugged my once while I was walking by. But right when the kids were in bed, he raced downstairs saying that he had work to do.

I've come to a lot of realizations over the past few weeks, the biggest one being that my reaction to his surprise only made things worse. So, I sent him this email. He called me crying this morning, thanking me for the email. He had to run to a meeting and sent me a quick response, which it below my email. We're meeting in just a few minutes (with the kids) for lunch and to buy some hardwood floors.


My email:

Hi --

I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you. We didn’t really have any time away from the kids today and I wasn’t able to tell you this in person, so I’m resorting to email. FWIW, I’m trying to avoid communicating through email, but really need to send you this.

I’m sorry. I know I said this to you last weekend, but I wanted to elaborate. Unfortunately it took you leaving us to make me realize all the damage I’ve been causing and all the pain I inflicted over the past months (years?). I was just so surprised, so hurt and so crushed from that day in July that I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t hold my thoughts in my head. I should have realized the reality of the situation much earlier and realized that telling you what you *should* do wasn’t my place. You didn’t need me to tell you these things. I’m sorry that I didn’t see how troubled we were until you exploded. I was too wrapped up in my own displacement, unhappiness and depression after moving here that all I could see was me desperately trying to climbing out of my hole. In my own mind I was progressing, but didn’t realize the barriers I had created and embraced. What I didn’t realize is that a lot of that was caused by us and not by the move. Between moving and you distancing yourself from our relationship, I truly got lost and distanced myself. Though I’ve said this before, I want you to realize that I understand and know that it took two to get us where we got last year. My reaction has only made things worse.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t wish you had taken a different approach than you did. It’s not that I’m picking on you, I wish my approach was different too and would pay anything to rewind the clock, even just a few months. Along these lines, I want you to know that I’m letting go of my resentment, my anger over how you dealt with our problems. Holding on to this hurt, this feeling of being wronged takes too much energy and negativity. I forgive you. Honestly, I’m still sad, especially when I see how this has profoundly changed my family and my interactions with my family. But I have to make peace with where we are.

I still hope for us to be able to find our way back to each other, I can’t pretend otherwise. There is a lot to build upon, even with all the bad moves we’ve both made. We still love each other, we’ve made a great family together, we still are husband/wife and we do get along — even in the face of all that’s happened to us. Hopefully things will only get better from here and we’ll be able to plug away and make the future we both want. We’ll see.

It’s funny, I’ve been telling myself that “I’m only doing things that I’m proud of” and didn’t realize the errors of my ways until recently, things I conveniently omitted. That phrase has taken on a whole new spin to me, a spin that I’m fully embracing. I’m striving to be a much better person. There are so many aspect of myself I want to improve. Many of these things I kind of knew about before, but pushed back because I didn’t have the energy to change them. After losing all my energy, I’ve found the strength needed to really move forward, at least back to where I used to be.

I love you. You are a good man, a man I’d be proud to spend my life with, a man I admire and am glad is the father of my children.

Love,
C

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His reply:

Working on a response, have to go to a meeting...

Thanks for this and I am really glad to hear that you are getting strength and feeling like life will go forward, it has to, no matter how difficult things get sometimes.

O.