Meredith - your 5 years..

[Meredith]

I didn't see myself as the strong one either. He had all the cards and I was just hoping for the best, right? Plus in all my efforts to control the situation I was freely admitting that I was NOT the strong one. Emotionally, strong is relative. I was strong enough in the end to get up off the floor and walk forward, no matter how many walls I bumped into along the way but it didn't feel very strong to me, then. Co-dependancy can play into this too, but that's one of those easy labels.

From what you've said in your last post, I would advise that you not file for divorce at this time. Saying "See?" sounds good, believe me I know. But it rarely brings much peace. Especially when you'll be having a lot of future children-related interaction.

How did I get calm? Drugs. Good ones.

No, I'm kidding. I went dark, truly dark. I challenged myself. The thing with my situation was that it had stagnated but there was still the "loveyoubye" thing at the end of phone conversations. It was him living the bachelor life and me living the divorce buster life. So... I went dark. I stopped with the "loveyoubye" thing, I stopped any conversation that did not directly relate to a mutual interest - house, children, shared money. I never initiated contact. It was HARD. I wasn't good at patience or darkness despite my miserable previous attempts. It's easier when you get out there and get a life. I figured that out early on in the process, but I never realized the true benefit until I was dark.

It's hard to keep jumping around in time periods, but if you read my back threads there were times pre-darkness when the children drop offs were brutal. I would get resentful about something in the conversation and whoosh, we'd be down a typical road fast. In darkness, I switched children with the mindset that I had to rush and it was buckle, buckle, leave. In pre-darkness I'd stretch to keep his attention on the phone. In darkness I would change the subject or have to go when the conversation veered off course. I was never once rude, in darkness. Pre-darkness I'd find reasons to call and then excuse myself by saying, "well, I had to know if the baby ate dinner, didn't I!??!" No, not really. It became a challenge to NOT call. Here baby, are you hungry? No? You must have eaten. It works just as well as phone tag and is far more effective.

Eventually, when I was interacting with him ONLY on shared interests, I lost a lot of the tension and resentment. I would also trust my instinct/peace by praying or meditating and asking "divorce?" and waiting for the answer (to me there are three potential answers - yes, no and wait). When I felt calm with "yes", I filed.

From there, our friendship was able to climb slowly. VERY slowly. We were excellent co-parents because we had a friendship base to it. I never once argued about who would throw a birthday party or who had what weekend when. It was never an issue. Eventually my husband was able to watch who I had become and reach more and more toward me until he concluded that he had made a grave mistake. He didn't say anything for a year after that revolation, and then made his apology.

Unless you live in Smallville, I'm going to assume that the monster really is a shell for a man who is confused and is lashing out in that confusion. If he's anything like my husband, it's a lot easier to do what feels good in the moment than to inwardly examine what's wrong. It's a lot easier to blame and push than it is to accept someone's positive changes. And to be totally fair - it must be tough to accept at first!

I give my children windex to take with them as "monster spray" when we have a closet or underside of the bed inhabited with monsters. You could try spraying him with windex, but it might not be the reaction you want. So, my advice to you is - duck, dodge, dip and dive to avoid the monster's moods. If you're dark, it won't matter who he is or isn't done with. It won't matter what he does with his time. You're far to busy to deal with that right now - busy being you.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, you are NOT going to miss the one vital opportunity to save this marriage if you are dark. By hanging up a phone you are NOT going to be missing out on his once in a lifetime revelation of personal feelings. By dodging his interaction you are NOT going to be consenting to his new lifestyle and sending him into it deeper. It took me a long time to truly understand that.