Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

Hi there, Karen and Lou. Thank you both for your visits.

Karen,

Yes, I do believe my dating other men has hurt H. When he found out that I was going out and having fun, I could tell that it bothered him, and even more so when he knew that I was seeing someone else on a more consistant basis.

After discovering H's A back in 2005, I bought and read "After the Affair". I do recall how the author (Chapman?) said it would be best to answer whatever questions the hurt spouse might have, and to do so calmly. I have done that - H has probed, more than a few times, into what the other men I dated were like. It was a little uncomfortable for me, but I remembered how I felt back then. About my curiosity and my need to know what the OW was like. What did H find desirable about her? What did she have that I didn't?

Anyway, I've never had a real problem with answering H's questions; he did the same for me back then even when I could see that it was difficult for him. But what caused the argument that weekend was my frustration. I felt that H and I should have been focusing on us. On our R. Not cracking jokes or bringing up past dates outside of our R. What purpose did that serve?

I was trying to let it go, but H kept pressing the issue, and I lost my cool. My patience with H has worn thin over time. It was a mistake, but, if anything, at least it didn't blow up into a full-on fight like it would have in the past.


Lou,

I looked up your previous posts, and it was as if I was looking into a mirror. So many similarities, it's uncanny.

H was dating someone (always denied it but finally admitted it just before Xmas 07), as was I, but is adamant about having ended it. It's very difficult for me to believe him knowing that she still called him after he told her not to (this is what H claimed), and I think it's always going to be an issue since she is close friends with H's sister. Last I heard, which was just a couple of weeks ago, she was planning on moving in with H's sister. If that's the case, she's not going to be very far from the picture.

I'm having a really hard time with that, and there's really not anything I can do about it. It certainly isn't my place to tell SIL who she can or can't have rooming with her.

Anyhow, I'm tired and fed up with his cake-eating. I think, as do you, that my H might not really want to be with me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. In fact, while we were intimate once during the early months of our separation, H said, "No one else gets to do this with you, right? Even if we're D'ed, right?" What nerve.

Same as you, I haven't begged or pleaded either in a looooooong time, and I do not plan to any time soon. I'm past all that. This last Friday night, I told H, "Come March, I'm either going to be M'ed and taking the R day by day, together with my H, or I'm getting D'ed." I told him it was not an ultimatum; it's just how I feel.

Although I haven't always succeeded, I've been pretty darn patient, and I've tolerated and put up with a lot of wishy-washy nonsense. If possible, I would like my M and my family to remain intact, but if H goes right back to being all talk and no show, then I have to do what I have to do for my own well-being.

Thanks again, and I wish you well, too.

BTW - When H brought the boys home last night, he was feeling pretty down. Talked about how unhappy he is with the sitch and his life. Said he wishes he could just feel normal. (In the past, this is where I would usually bring up talking to someone, a C, but it was always to no avail.) Well as he was leaving he looked back into the living room and said, "So do you want to get new carpet for the house? Some new flooring?" I hesitated a bit and said I didn't know. It really depended on what was going to happen with the R. H didn't say anything, just looked sad, then said ok, have a good night. I told him to do the same then he left.