Maybe your H does not know how to address problems or was afraid to?
Yes, I believe that.. But that is his problem, not mine. In fact a big part of all this seems to me. To be an adult we must learn to communicate our feelings to others. Why? Because, as far as I know, humans can't read each other's minds. No matter how well we know another, we can never really be in their head. People must learn to express their feelings and needs in a way that others can understand and therefore address in responsible ways. What is it we all say to our kids when they are very young..use your words, talk to me. It is a learned skill and a very necessary one. So as important as listening is being able to express yourself is also fundamental to any relationship.
The second part of the problem is more complicated. To communicate our feelings and needs we must in fact know what they are. I see my H as someone who does neither. He doesn't know what he feels..it keeps changing..or what he needs or wants..keeps changing..or how to communicate it. Instead he acts on whatever feeling he is having at any given moment.
But once you act, that is a form of communicating and you are now in another realm. The physical world, not the world of feelings and thought. And then you are stuck defending your actions or living with the consequences, even if the feelings that lead to them are no longer true for you. Actions cross a line and effect others in the real world.
To avoid that my H retreats back to his feeling as a way to discount or justify his actions. But it is the other way around. Actions effect feelings. Feeling do not effect actions unless we allow ourselves to act on our own feelings with out questioning the real world consequences.
