I haven't given up on DB, not entirely. I still believe in its basic principles, but it just isn't working for me right now, not in its entirety. GAL and PMA are a big part of DB/DR, but they are not dependent on DB/DR. GAL and PMA are a big part of surviving D as well -- in fact, they should be a big part of life in general.
I have been re-reading certain books in the Bible this past week, especially the book of Job and the book of Hosea.
I now find that Job's story has a lot of meaning to me personally. While I know something about suffering, I have not been put through even a fraction of the pain Job went through, not by a long shot. So I haven't been able to relate this story entirely to my sitch, since I cannot and do not blame God for what other humans have done to me.
But in re-reading it this weekend, it finally dawned on me the similarities -- Job was suffering and in anguish, and here were three "wise" friends (Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar) trying to offer platitudes and excuses for his suffering. The bottom line is that they assumed that God would only punish those who must be guilty of some great sin.
During the darkest pit of my depression, my holier-than-thou W showed no empathy for my plight and was actually took it personally (due to her poor self-esteem issues.) She felt that there was something wrong and unloving in my character if I was suffering so. She still feels this way. So she felt the need to distance herself from me and my plight, which only has made matters worse for me. She is running away and blaming me for what she's doing. In this W is most like Zophar, who assumed that Job was as guilty as sin because of his suffering, and held out little hope for his friend's redemption.
As for Hosea, I have been struggling with that book since re-reading it last July. My W holds to some pretense about being right with the Lord. And she continues to deny the truth of her current and past behaviors. And yet she is determined to ditch her husband and family for a chance at worldly "love" and sexual "satisfaction". Her "happiness." In that pursuit she has tried to murder my character and borne such hatred towards me that she threatens my ability to parent our two small S's.
The part that cuts me deepest is that she now hates me more than she loves her S's. She will sacrifice the well-being of our S's to be rid of me and to gain her "happiness." D*mn the consequences. (This is straight out of her mother's playbook.)
And so she will not "tolerate" me for the sake of what is best for S7 and S3, because I am now a symbol of her guilt, and that is an impediment to her all-important goal of "happiness." That's why C is out of the question for her if it involves anything with me.
Does that make my W a whore? Does that make her liken unto Gomer, Hosea's adulterous, prostituting wife. I'd say so.
I need to now consider whether it is God's intention that I, like Hosea, continue to love and accept my W despite her continued betrayals. I suppose so, when or if W should want to repent of her ways. But I am not waiting for it. She'll need to come seek me out, if she is able, because I cannot abide this treacherous, unrepentant person she is now.
