Ok, now the question is, do I leave my ring on or will W see that as too much pressure? I am still married, but I don't want to drive her over the edge.
Also, W sent a text that D was puking, so I called immediately to check on her. She was fine and I kept our conversation to D's well-being.
W did make a reference about the L's being paid hourly and they aren't always thinking about what is best for "us" (I see this as another attempt to get me to settle things quickly so she can move on and break her emotional connections with me).
Thank you to monkeybug for giving me encouragement that her wanting out quickly is to keep her from having to face her emotinal ties to me. I apprecaite that and now know I have to continue to keep this going as long as I can. I need time to help me. The more time and the longer she is away, the better chance I have at her having a change of heart or an awakening.
Also, I'm a bit confused as to how I handled the phone conversation today because I didn't take the opportunity to ask if W was ok even though I know she was very upset while at the house today.
Should I have asked if she was OK? Should I mentioned it at all, or am I better off not asking? I want to detach and be distant, but I don't want to push her away from me so she'll go forever.
I really don't know. The emotions are pretty high right now still and I go from depressed to angry pretty quickly, so I'm not sure if I should do much right now.
I've found a short book called "Surviving your Wife's Midlife Crisis" that I'm going to look at to see if it provides any input into how to treat them.
Ali had mentioned that MLCer are a bit different than regular WAS, so they need a little different treatment at times. I'll let the community know what I find out.
RTL - I'm proud of you. I'm not sure you could have handled this any better way. Except the deal with having L so involved. Just my opinion, but I think early on you were more concerned about protecting yourself; rather than protecting the bond (aka M). But it's ok, really.
I'm following along.
1 - KEEP THE RING ON. You must not send any message to her other than you want this marriage back. You are not communicating as you should because of the circumstances ... so you can not allow any doubt of your committment into her mind.
2 - You want to be detached to the point that you are not emotionally slaughtered. But you have to have sympathy for what she is going through.
The real work starts now. Refuse To Lose. Live your screen name.
One thing your W was correct on, the L do not care about the M. They aren't there to keep you together. Give her space and time and stay on course.
What's the goal? And ask yourself over and over - "Are my actions getting me closer or farther from the goal?"
You'll be ok. Get through the next few days and then dig your heels in.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
Thanks for following my sitch. You always have provided insight that makes me think things through and differently. I really appreciate the contact. Your thoughts are helping me tremendously. Also, thanks for the advice on the ring. I'll keep it on. It is what I really want to do anyway.
I hate the L thing too. The problem is I've been backed into a corner to start this whole thing off as W has been very, very aggressive w/ me. She had me served and then took my D away from the house and holed up in a hotel somewhere (at least I now know where she is).
She is claiming I haven't been interested in speaking with my D during this time, but she is using this because she's mad at me b/c I'm not doing what she wants me to do. She wants me to contact her regularly and to answer every one of her questions right away.
I'm having trouble with this part because if I do respond to her, I'm not DBing or doing a 180. On the other hand, if I don't am I pushing her farther away.
You ask GREAT questions, "What is the goal?" and "Am I moving toward or away from that goal?"
I guess I need to do a bit of both. I need to not respond all the time, but occasionally check to see how she's doing.
Finally, the W keeps bringing up our Ls because she wants this over quickly and is trying to get me to see this to a quick conclusion through the talk of money and costs. I'm not worried about the money and costs, but I am concerned with time.
I need as much time as I can which also means I need to make sure I don't quickly and quietly agree with everything she wants. If I do that, I lose too much time.
I'm not going to fight with her on anything b/c that would be counter-productive. However, I will have to pick my spots where I stand my ground and firmly, but politely say no to her terms.
I did call her last night after receiving a text about our daughter "puking her guts out." It scared me, so I called. Once I talked to W, it turned out this was nothing too serious, just the routine throwing up stuff we'd seen before.
I called all worried and got this response: "She's ok. You know how she pukes sometimes. She's curently watching a movie on my bed." Part of me feels like a fool for taking the bait, but the father in me said I didn't have a choice. So, she's playing little games here and there with me and I have to do my fatherly duties, but still not talk about us when we talk.
I probably should have taken last night's opportunity to ask her how she was b/c she was upset when she left the house, but I didn't. I kept it to the D and said little else while we were on the phone. I know I was the 1st one to say good-bye, so I left the conversation.
I'll just have to wait and see at this point. I'll keep you posted and updated as to what happens and when I'll see my D again.
I detect a really solid beginning to your day in terms of your clarity of mind balanced with confidence shown in your post. Awesome. Even though you may not think things are working by what you are/are not doing, I don't think I would change a thing.
Stick with your first hand (so to speak) and not "on the other hand, if I don't [repond 2 her] am I pushing her farther away?"
As best I see it she both wants to be disconnected fm you and she is doing the pushing away & your response out of unconditional love needs to be as it has been to honor & respect her wishes.
Truly (I speak from experience) the most difficult part of this is trying NOT to manage it - or micromanage it. Your job in this is to minimize the discussions on things which will cause conflict (the legal stuff), yet maximize the discussions which show you as loving husband and father you are. Sympathy and empathy are not legal issues. I have taken nearly every one of my W's calls.
Allowing your W to walk through the house is good. Calling to check on your D4 is what a loving father does. Keeping your ring on in the right thing to do.
THE KEY: Do not get hung up on the circumstances. Get hung up on the fact that you love your W, love your D4 and you will bust this D.
Again, I'll tell you from personal experience - I was able to look beyond the circumstances when we were discussing splitting our assets. My W had a separation agreement drawn by her L. When she presented it to me - I fixed her lawyer's mistakes. LOL. Talk about a 180. Her lawyer was in awe. That separation agreement has been sitting at her lawyer's office - unsigned - for a few weeks short of a year. I have an explicit email from my W saying "DONT SIGN THE PAPERS. Please don't sign them."
So what do you do? Here's what is working for me. Other posters will surely give you the source of this advice - it's not mine. Though I took a little poetic license in packaging it here.
Don't give up. Be Patient. Be kind. Care about your W's well being. Don't be jealous or envious. This can not be about "me first." Do not fly off the handle, or keep score of her transgressions. You shouldn't be happy if she is sad. Always looks for the best, the positives and the upside of things. Don't look back, but keep moving forward. Believe that this D will be busted. Hope and pray.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
Hello IWMIW, I know I am new to this board so I just wanted to quickly say that I really like your advice in this post.... I am going to work on a similiar list and its nice to see it written out so thoughtfully.
HEllo Refuse to Lose, I am not so familiar with your situation other than the above posting.... but I think keeping your ring on is important not only for your partner but for yourself as a reminder f what it is that you are attempting to preserve.... that circle of intent , love, and family. My H rarerly if ever wears his and hasn't through most of our marriage and it always hurts to see that empty fnger.... I hope this helps..
Life is but a walking shadow A poor player Who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more
Keep the ring ON. You are still married to her and if she sees you without it on she may feel you have totally given up on her. While she says she wants out we all know not to believe any of what an MLC'er says and only half of their actions. Continue to show her love from a distance, you know that uncodnitional love and respect without drowning her in it as to avoid pushing her away. I would keep in contact with her about D especially while D is ill and hey, why not throw in a quick, "And you(insert W's name)have you gotten sick also?" Or a quick, "And have you gotten sick, I sure hope not, let me know what I can do to help you while D is ill." types of things. Your L may not approve but you are her father and tough SH*T!!! LOL!!!! Come on RTL you know you want to crack a smile.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I did call her last night after receiving a text about our daughter "puking her guts out." It scared me, so I called. Once I talked to W, it turned out this was nothing too serious, just the routine throwing up stuff we'd seen before.
I called all worried and got this response: "She's ok. You know how she pukes sometimes. She's curently watching a movie on my bed." Part of me feels like a fool for taking the bait, but the father in me said I didn't have a choice. So, she's playing little games here and there with me and I have to do my fatherly duties, but still not talk about us when we talk.
OK does anyone else see what I see by this above? RTL, take this as one of those LITTLE positives the book stell us to look out for. Appears to me that W sent the text to make it out as if D was violently ill because she knew you would call and in turn W could hear your voice and talk to you if only for a minute or 2. Seems to me you are taking this for granted. Keep up what you are doing and make notes when all these LITTLE positives happen so you don't get as discouraged. I have been taking mental note of all my H has been doing since he left and really need to start writing them down. These LITTLE positives help keep you going and keep DB'ing your A** off.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
What's the goal? And ask yourself over and over - "Are my actions getting me closer or farther from the goal?"
This advice is what you'll get from DB coach as well. The hardest part is that some of the things that work seem counterproductive. You are doing well to stay in control of your emotions. The police makes sense given that she's playing a lawyer game. Don't sweat it. But if you can find any areas in which to STALL do so! And it's ok to say things like: "I do not want this, I want to stay married and work to make our relationship better." Then go ahead and do whatever it was she said she wanted...you don't have to act like you agree with her and this is a great idea. It's the stupidest, most immature thing you ever heard but she isn't willing to hear that.
From my experience spouse was like a swimmer in a hurricane and she kept knocking into things and banging up against the shore...smack, bang, whack! I tried to stand still and dig in so that when she banged up against me she felt strength because god knows she was not capable of using whatever strength she had. It's not unlike a child throwing a tantrum.
Make sure you get your anger out someway so it doesn't seep out in conversations with your wife. This is the most insulting thing one human does to another and it hurts like hell!
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Great stuff here. I'm going to continue to speak with my W at times, but I won't pick up automatically when she calls or respond right away with the e-mails. One of her complaints was that I was smothering and she felt trapped, so I need to be sure not to be at her beck and call.
I am also going to send text messages every night to tell my D I miss her because I really, really do.
Your advice (the Key) is great, as is your list. Thank you very much for that. I am very appreciative of your support.
