Willing to be disturbed...

[ediemarie]

Hi All - thanks for coming by and your feedback/support. I appreciate it.

Feeling kinda powerless and discouraged today. I know some of this is related to the actual physical state of my home -everything needs to be cleaned, picked up, polished, organized etc. I can't get myself motivated to do it. I hate that. And it's related to school work - unorganized and behind the eight ball there too - I hate that. Just a plain old negative nelly today - I hate that, too. I need to change my thinking majorly - a brisk walk home and a long to-do list may just do that lol.

In thinking over the weekend, Friday night's conversation wasn't done under the best circumstances. An alcohol induced conversation/argument can never be a positive thing. I did my share of throwing painful zingers toward H so I'm not surprised at all that he was in "protect myself" mode. Why would anyone want to be giving to someone that is throwing barbs? In the calm after the storm, and after yesterday's peaceful conversation, H has been trying to see things from my POV. He even offered two more times to just rent a car for this week so I don't have to walk. (To which I replied, I'm all set to walk, but if you want to rent one, than do so. If he rents one though, we can't afford to pay for the repairs in cash which will ultimately lead to more of a money mess.)

H and I just work towards results differently. I'm a doer. He's a thinker. He needs to think less, act more (as I see it). I need to do less, think more (as he sees it). We're both correct. I need to learn to manage my anger through conversing about things as soon as they come up. I need to learn to embrace the awkward, difficult, conversation rather than let things fester and boil over. I mean, how long have I been posting about this sex thing? If that's what I'm posting about, my internal dialogue is much more than what is on here - yikes. I should have addressed that with H in a reasonable manner. I still should. It could be as easy as, "Hey H, we spoke briefly at an inopportune time about our sex-life. What do you think we can do to fix it?" That alone would be step in the right direction for me considering that I just keep blaming him for us not having one - could I be partly to blame???

One positive is that I know H is afraid of rejection. That is a good piece of information. My challenge now is to accept any and all "passes" by H in a positive, playful manner. H did say that he believes he will get over that in time. That each positive interaction we have helps. And I do believe that. I can see it. We're more touchy now than we have been in years - so that really is a positive and that did come about without a conversation and just by being together.

All for now. Happy Monday everyone!

I'm off to make some to-do lists. I have got to get myself organized!!!