State of Mind

[BeingMe]

Just a little journalling ...

The new job is going well, and kept me rather busy these last few weeks. I still wish I can find/do something that is more fulfilling, and creative. Well, I can, but it won't make money right away. Still, I enjoy most of what I'm doing at work, and I earn a little money, plus I get dental for myself and the two kids still at home. H has USA medical with the new company he's working for, so doesn't need it.

In the R situation ... no changes. However, I have been thinking about my various personal R's, such as the one with my siblings (particularly, my sister, and one niece). It's a long story, so I won't bore y'all with it, but I have finally come to a place where I can forgive them for the hurt they caused me, and I have forgiven myself for my reaction to it, and I have also come to a decision to let the R's go. It is pointless wishing things could be different, and continuously trying to reconnect when they are not interested. So, I am letting go! I am also trying to let go of things that happened to me in the past, i.e. the date rape. In the grand scheme of things, it is of very little consequence, and I have allowed it to muddy my life for too long. I had thought i had let it go, but I hadn't really, but now I find that I can forgive my ex-BF for taking my virginity with such force, and against my will. It was a small space in time, and so much good has happened to me since, that I could've been more joyful about, if I hadn't let this one thing (and, a few other things) ruin it for me. I think letting go of past hurts is a process that takes time. I thought it was just a matter of saying "I forgive, now I will let go" and it would be so, but the emotions that were involved, and the effects on my own psyche and self worth was too strong for such a simplistic solution. So, I am allowing the process to run its course, and every day I feel myself growing lighter from the burden of such hurts.

At this point in time, I am concentrating on letting go of the negatives in my life (and in my head), healing my spirit, body and mind, and finding joy in life. I don't often watch the Oprah show, but I did at the beginning of the week - Oprah Show. The discussion was so much about what I had been thinking and striving for. I like the one phrase from one of the guests. Something we should say everyday, "I love life, and life loves me." I think I will try that, and other things that were suggested, such as creating a vision board.

Anyway, that's muh thoughts for the day, and where I am at the moment in my life's journey.

[cat03]

hey hon, glad to hear you are healing, and forgiving, which also involves stop rehashing the bad stuff (we must remind ourselves we've already dealt w/it and stop torturing ourselves). Glad you are keeping busy

[BeingMe]

Some quotes from very wise people, on the subject of life, and how to live it (which is, of course, a very subjective thing).

Okay, I am a nerd, so a quote first from Star Trek.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard:
"Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived." (played by Patrick Stewart, from the film "Star Trek: Generations")

Barry Lopez, from Arctic Dreams:
"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

Bertrand Russell (adapted):

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

[BeingMe]

Oh, I agree, Cat. It's not so much the rehashing I have a problem with ... it's more the feelings behind what happened. It's letting those go, and I think I have to really know that I have forgiven, not just think I have ... when I can let go of those feelings of sadness and regret (even if it's just a little that I have left, and each time I have a flashback, there is less of an impact on my emotions), then I think I will know I have moved on, and forgiven too. I have gone a long way down the road, but there is still a little left to go.

As for my family ... I visited with some of them this last Christmas, and so many old emotions came out, and I tried to reconnect, and to share with them how it felt to be, for instance, the baby sister of someone who constantly belittled me, was never there for me, etc. But, she doesn't want to hear it, and I could tell, so I decided it was pointless to bring it up ... all she hears in her head is how our brothers and uncles made fun of her. So, I guess, she did what they did, and how can I really hold it against her, but also how can I continue in a R that is just toxic to any progress I make. So, I am going to forgive her, let go of her critical voice inside my head, and withdraw from the R. It will take time, and I know I am going to be sad about not having a R with my sister (always have), but she has to make the effort too, and she never has. It is what it is, I s'pose, and not much I can do about it, except to let it go.

Anyway, I am rambling on about something that I am tearing away from, so please forgive me. It is painful, but putting it in words on the monitor helps me get rid of these ghosts that have haunted me in such a long time. Some, I am over (such as my H's foolish A), but some just takes so much more effort and thought, because I think it's embedded deeper into my psyche (eek, spelling???) and from far back into my childhood.

Thanks for visiting though, Cat. You have given me food for thought. I hope your sitch is a little more peaceful ... looks that way, but I know how things can turn on a dime.

Take care, and thanks for reading if you got this far.

[BeingMe]

My D15 and I have been watching the Jane Austen novels being portrayed on PBS every Sunday. We just love it, and it's a great way to hang out with my D15. Anyway, here is a quote by Miss Austen:

"If one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better."

Another way of saying, if at first you don't succeed, try, try, again.

[Phoenix_spark]

I'm afraid sometimes the more simpler approach works for me.

"I want you to go as fast as you can in that direction till you can't go any further,...then turn." (Better off dead) Really deep stuff.

[ACJ]

Another way of saying, if at first you don't succeed, try, try, again.

Isn't that exactly what our WASs are doing?

[Phoenix_spark]

Yes and bump right back at ya.

[whatisis]

What's new, Being Me?

Here's a little poem I came across.

Clouds appear free of care
and carefree drift away,
but the carefree mind is not to be 'found'
to find it, first stop looking around.

Wang An Shih

I hope you're doing well!

[BeingMe]

Hi Wii! I am doing relatively well, thanks. I have decided to dump that new job of mine ... just not what I expected, and I feel life is too short to hold onto something out of fear of losing some small pay-out. I'm thinking of going back to school and doing a life skills coach course. If there is anyone out there who has experience in this career, I would love to have some information.

Otherwise, things are going fairly well in my M. My S20 just had his wisdom teeth pulled, and is busy recuperating ... it was a tough one, since two of his teeth were impacted. Ouch! My other kids are doing fine.

I am busy reading A New Earth by Eckart Tolle, and finding it very meaningful for me at this time of my life.

Hope y'all have a good week.