Priorities and tests of strength

[fearless]

Life is full of tests. If you have a puppy, its going to get shown in a LTR. It unavoidable. If she fails the marital test and leaves/cheats/fails to control her attraction, thats not the Mans fault.

?? I don't think I placed the blame on the man, did I? And of course life is full of tests. My specific comment was about Burgbud's statement that a man only shows his puppy side in order to see the women kick the puppy ("and kick it she will"). I just disagreed that specifically testing a woman to see her fail is the "right way" to go about it. of course if you show your puppy, you are vulnerable and it is possible the woman may not respond "correctly" and then of course that is her issue.

Still attraction is not a choice. Its a response. If you want her attraction, DONT be a puppy.

So is the attraction of women the bottom-line for what part of the menagerie you show? I would have thought that the attraction of women is secondary to a man being his own man.

Being puppy worked plenty well for my XH as far as attracting women and even with keeping them (as far as I was concerned and with his OW). I still wouldn't recommend it for Long Term success as a complete male. Meaning - I could accept my XH for whom he was but he was the one who was/is struggling with himself. Having women attracted to him did NOT solve his core issues as a man.

Fearless - To me the "only" reasons a man would let a woman see his puppy is to demonstrate trust and strength and to deepen the relationship. To that end if a woman would "kick" the puppy, not only should he take the puppy back but I would think that would end the relationship.

Blackfoot - I find this more then a little bit emotionally dictatorial.

F:[with newspaper in hand -- whacks puppy] Show the puppy.
M: [weak/tired/truly vulnerable--wimpers and wags tail]
F: :[with newspaper in hand whacks puppy again] NOT LIKE THAT!!

I don't think that's what I wrote at all. I don't think I said anything about the woman being able to dictate or demand when emotions are shown. I don't believe that any more than I believe the man should be dictating the woman's emotions.

Maybe I should be more clear about my marital issues along these lines. My XH would be upset if I was too vulnerable at times. For example, if I asked for help, he would be angry that I wouldn't take care of something by myself. In fact I was struggling with work issues and he just didn't want to hear anything about it. He also said that when he met OW one thing he noticed and liked was that she was always smiling and seemed happy all the time. (Of course he later saw the full picture.) And no I don't feel that it was my fault that he cheated in some part because of my vulnerability and the way it made him uncomfortable. (at the same time I don't think it is accurate to think of me as a weak woman needing help all the time because I did make almost the same income as XH and I was the one responsible for our health care benefits. I was responsible for much of the house and farm also.)

In the end, I don't think it really had much to do with me but more had to do with his own personal insecurities. He didn't like who he was inside and no one but he can change that.


ETA: Raven and Fearless, belated congratulations. You both got goodun's.

Thanks!! We think so!