Today I am doing well. somewhat better at detaching even though I'm getting lots of weird stuff thrown at me. Being more like I Want to be. The real Frank. Sometimes it hurts to be me, but I'm using boundaries effectively.
So, here are some roller coaster rides I got yesterday and today. First, let me say that I have been pleasant whenever I talk to W. I don't go out of my way to talk to her but sometimes it can't be helped.
Saturday she was at an 'event' put on by the healing center she does her massage at. Various vendors, including her, were set up at a local food store to give demos, hand out brochures.
at around 1 pm I was out of the house and D12 called my cell to say she was feeling sick and needed me. I went right home. she had a little fever so I gave her some medicine and put her to bed. W called a short while later to check on her and I told her what I'd done, how she was feeling and that she had asked for some juice so I was going to go to the store to get some.
Well, W was at the store and said she could bring some home with her. I asked her if she was coming home soon, she said not till 4:30. It was 1 pm and I said D12 wanted some now, so I was going to go get some. She seemed insulted, and I said I appreciated that she offered to bring some home later. I suggested she bring something else later that might be helpful to D12. She said "Like WHAT?".
I said "I don't know, whatever you think would be good."
She said goodbye and I went and got the juice.
Later she came home and was really beat from the long day. She said she didn't hand out many brochures but got to know the other vendors better. she was pretty tired and I was thinking that it was too bad she was leaving me, she could have used some loving, maybe a foot rub.
So she went to bed early instead.
I stayed up and journaled. It was interesting because I really got into some depth of our relationship, and the relationship's I've had with her Dad, Mom, Brother and others in her family. Most of what I was realizing was that there has been a consistent pattern where I am the one who has never really 'quit' on anything, but W has quit lots of things. She has started 'at home' courses on holistic healing and never finished them. She's taken classes for other things and never finished. Massage is the first thing she took that she finished.
I also noticed a lot of times when I was the one who was her 'cheerleader' to get her to do something when she was unsure of herself. You may recall that 2 years ago during the affair I encouraged her to rent the space in the Salon even when she was afraid she would fail. And she had OM at the time.
I've always given her unconditional love and support. Always.
The past few days she's been looking through her old photo albums. She wrote something in her journal (yeah, I read it) about herself, how she had almost become a nun when she was 17, how she was trying to redeem herself for her teenage promiscuity and other stuff along those lines. Then she decided to try to be normal, she found me, she left me, etc, etc,
She ended the entry with the comment "I just don't want to be toxic to anyone any more".
So, today we're driving to the church and she says to me that she is going to go back to her home town on tuesday (It's about an hour or so drive) and probably not be back till wednesday night.
She says she has to go now because she doesn't know when she'll have a tuesday free again (she doesn't work tuesdays as a rule) because she may get a job soon which will take away that freedom she's had.
I asked her where she was staying, and who was she visiting. She says "I don't know, I'm going to go get some closure on some things. Nobody I used to know lives there any more anyway." then she says "I'm going to say good bye to my brother".
She starts to tear up, and I reach over and hold her hand.
After a moment she says "I may go stay with Gramma 'M'". I say "that sounds good, don't worry about us, we'll be ok." She says "I KNOW you'll be ok".
Now, her brother is alive and lives in Seattle. But when he was 17 he was in a motorcycle accident and on a coma for a month. at the time W was pregnant with D17, my first partner had just screwed me out of our business and things were tough but we were ok.
She would go visit him every day and talk to him while he was asleep. He has never been the same person since then. He has a severe narcissistic streak, memory and other personality issues and ended up marrying a controlling immature woman who eventually drove him to where he just walked out on her one day (sound familiar). He battled for visitation of his kids but she beat him in court and now he never gets to see them, hasn't for years.
So, all I can think of is she is saying 'goodbye' to the brother she knew before the accident 18 years ago. But why? He's kind of a mess these days but he's not dead. It also feels like she needs to visit these places where bad things may have happened so she can get closure?
Very weird stuff going on but I can't tell her not to go, she's going to have to deal with her demons her own way.
As we're driving to the church she says "I think I might live here (the town where the church is) since I'm making friends here. I could get a one bedroom apt and the girls could share the bed when they are staying with me."
My first thought: "Why are you telling me this?? Am I supposed to say 'oh, that will be cool!'" ???
My second thought: "I guess you aren't going to fight to stay in the house after all so it's mine"
I said nothing.
At church, we ended up not sitting together just like last week. That's ok. The sermon was good, had a lot of relationship stuff in it that was relevant.
On the way home we were quiet. I have been practicing 'smiling' for no reason. I noticed that she kept looking at me from time to time. Then she said "Thank you for being understanding about the crazy things I'm doing. Thank you for staying in your heart space in spite of all we're going through right now".
I paused, and said "I don't think you're crazy". Then I said "W, this is who I am. I can't stop it or avoid it. It's who I really am.".
The rest of the ride home was uneventful.
Later she needs some help with her computer to burn a CD after she tries on her own several times with help from D17. Her computer is older and often doesn't work quite right. I end up helping her, and she's grateful and plays the 'helpless little girl' card a few times. Cute eyes, smiles. Just like normal everyday life used to be.
I kind of ignored her 'playfulness' and fixed the problem then left her there. Not mean, just trying to be indifferent.
That's about it. Now she and D12 are painting their toenails and fingers. Girl stuff. And she's being sort of pleasant but mostly indifferent to me.
I think she's really got some deep, old issues and I have no clue what she's going to do about it. But, when I'm 'strong and in charge' she can do ok with life. When I'm not, she slowly gets into her own issues and can't deal with life any more so she runs away. I don't know what she expects to get from this 'pilgrimage' on tuesday but it's clearly something that is weighing on her soul.
It's very true - this isn't about me. I just wish we could both get to the same place at the same time. I don't have as many of these intense 'past life' issues, I'm more into the present issues of fears and self esteem. I think I've dealt pretty much with my childhood stuff - it's the present that is hard right now.
