MMB, I am happy to hear that you found the books comforting. I sure found comfort in those words and remind myself when I start thinking my H is happy being away. Things do get better, regardless of what the outcome, when we trust God and obey Him.
Yes the books were good. Question though, why am I having such a hard time sometimes letting go of my fear that there is an OW? H swears there isn't, hasn't been, and won't be for some time because right now he is on a journey for himself and this is about making himself happy and doing for him right now. Well sure he says that but sex is a part of life and I can't believe he has been able to go for almost 9 weeks without it. Oh well, I can't do anything but believe him or I will drive myself crazy worrying that he has shared the sexual bond we had with someone else.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Hang in there. Try to focus on you and your relationship with God and your kids. It is what will get you through. God will be working on your H. Leave that to him. You are doing some amazing things and being the one who is fighting for your M.
The best thing that you can do for your R is to NOT work on it. Get involved. Do things with your kids, don't worry about anyone but you and them. Share all your love with them as I am sure they will be sharing theirs with you.
My kids feel helpless because of our sitch. I have told them that there IS something that they can do to help. So each night that they are with me we pray for the family. I lead them into the prayer, but then I let them say what is in their hearts. I think it has helped them sleep better at night because now they feel like they are helping. It sure helps me.
Keep on fighting for your M! I am praying for you and your H as well as your kids. You can do this! You WILL do this! And you won't be alone. Those of us here on DB are in your corner and so is God.
One day at a time.
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
I am working everyday on GAL and finding peace with God in all of this. I prayed to him lastnight while I cried hysterically. H calls every night at 7:30 to say goodnight to the kids and ask about their day, etc...well lastnight D5 was having a hysterical crying session and nothing he could do on the phone would calm her because she wanted him HERE to kiss and hug and he I know was dieing inside over this and to stop it all he said, "Well baby you're just gonna' have to deal with it!!!" OMG, I lost it but handled it much better than I would have a month ago. I told her she needed to say goodnight to daddy and go to bed so she did. I then sent him a text and asked him to please stop saying to either of them to just get over it because the pain they are in can't just be gotten over. See a month ago I would have put her to bed then called him and cussed him out, reamed him a new one and reminded him that the family he left behind have hearts that are broken and that we can't just get over it and walk away like he did. I am proud that I didn't do any of that. He replied with a text of OK then I prayed to God aloud downstairs for about 15 minutes crying the entire time asking him to walk with H daily and keep him safe, help him realize his place is home with us, help him to not make mistakes by resorting to alcohol or drugs or sex with other to numb the pain he is in, etc...all the things most of us here probably pray for then I also prayed for God to help the kids through their pain and to continue to give me the strength and patience I need to stand for the reconcilliation of my M. I then went back and started to reread Bob Steinkamp's book about the Prodigal's Perspective.
I realize my H is in deep hurting but also puts on the false happy facade when here and with the kids. I just have such a hard time understanding a WAS's actions. If they hurt so badly and know we will welcome them with open arms and love unconditionally why don't they just come home???? I know there are answers to that in Steinkamp's books but damn just come home so we can all heal.
I have a girlfriend who is supportive of what I am doing and has also been researching and sharing with me as she finds things that feels may be helpful. She is reading some book and I can't remember the name but it talks about adults in a section that suddenly feel like life has slipped them by and they have amounted to nothing, etc...sounds much like MLC and how she feels much of it is deep seated within these individuals as a result of childhood and the way they were or were not raised and the experiences they had and didn't have as kids. It makes sense. If I can remember the name of the book I will post it but there is only a small chapter on that subject the rest is more of self help stuff.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I totally lost it yesterday. Told H at the end of the school year the kids and I would be moving out of state and starting OUR new lives elsewhere to which he wasn't happy but knows I will do whatever is in the best interest of the kids. I basically insisted we start by him getting most of his stuff out of here soon and that we should start seperating bills now to which he asked why now why not save some money and keep the bills the way they are for now to which I informed him that we might as well start out with the small atuff now because in a fe months we will both have to put out $3000-$5000 each to hire lawyers since he, "Hasn't loved me in years!" and his new life is so great because he, "Doesn't have to rush home to his family." He seemed a bit disturbed by all this but at the same time fought back with the above comments. I was very civil and NEVER raised my voice or said anything derogitory to hom or about him. It felt yesterday like I was at my lowest and had no choice but to make that call. I realize this may not be the best DB'ing technique but I feel I am at the end here and floundering for air. I guess what I did was let go of the rope. He said he would gladly share with me what he has been doing and where he has been staying and going but I told him not to worry about it that all that is part of his new happier life without his family and that I wouldn't ask. He still also insists there is no one else and hasn't been anyone else. I guess I am just at the stage of feeling defeated and hopeless.
So anyway I am now going totally dark. Like a LRT. I do believe he is very worried about me leaving in June with the kids and I told him that if managed somehow to get the money together to hire himself a lawyer to do what he needs to do in that regard but asked that he please not fight me and demand I stay in the state but that if he did I wouldn't be able to fight him back on that one as I have no $$$ for a L. I believe he will come to his senses when either he has to come here to sign the sales contract to list the house or when it sells and he is here helping me load a UHAUL and watchin his wife and children drive off to a new life somewhere else in the country. This new party hardy life and clubbing and bar hopping life will get old eventually and he will start to miss the family he enjoys not rushing home to now but by then it may be too late.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
This stuff is not easy. It hurts and I can tell from your post that you are in a lot of pain. I am sorry for that and I wish I could ease it for you. I can tell you that you aren't alone in your sitch. We all are going through tough times right now and have to deal with our sitches in our own ways.
It may just be that your H will see your statement as a wake up call. All you can do now is wait and watch to see how he behaves. It is tough to have your partner regress to the behavior of a college student when he has the responsibilities of a father and husband. I am sure that I wouldn't react too differently that you have if I were in your shoes.
I guess the bottom line is to ask yourself what it is that YOU want. I have been spending a lot of time reading the Steinkamp books and visiting their website to read testimonies and listen to their audio messages. It has given me great comfort. I see where some spouses stand for their M's for years before the prodigal spouse comes home. I ask myself how they can do that. I have a hard time making it to the end of the week sometimes. But I am slowly realizing that it isn't up to me. It is on God's timetable. While DBing is great and the techniques are very good tools, it is my relationship with God that will restore my M. I totally believe that. And it is that belief that carries me through each day. My W won't even look at me when we are in the same room and while that hurts, it hurts me more to know that she is hurting so much that she is behaving that way.
I made a commitment to her and my family when we got married and I am going to stand for that no matter what.
Your sitch and your heart may not allow you to do that. It is hard and it hurts (A LOT!) but I believe that pray and faith in the fact that your M can be restored is the best path to travel.
I believe in DBing and I believe in the power of God. Add those two together and I think I have a damn good chance to make it through this and so do you!
Don't let him get to you, look to get through today. You can't do anything about the past or what your H will do or feel. You can only control yourself. Your actions will ultimately be the determining factor in how your sitch plays out.
I pray for you and wish you all the best. You are strong and you can do this. It is the toughest thing you will ever do and the reason it is so hard is because the reward is so great. Hang in there.
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Thanks for the talk. Yes it is the hardest thing to go through. I know H will wake up from this foggy mess and realize that I am not the problem. Realize that I and the kids are what he truly wants. It is emotionally and physically exhausting. We will survive this though and you are right in God's way he will see our marriages restored butin his time as well not ours. He ulitmately holds the keys to unlocking all the hearts in this story.
I have read and re-read Bob Steinkamp's 2 books I have and learn something new each time I read them. I enjoy them a great deal.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Well yesterday wasn't the best day. To make a long story short S8 had issues at school and the school pshycologist was called in and H met me tere and we took S8 to the ER for an evaluation where they determined he was not a threat but did need treatment and help with this sepration and dealing with it. Well H seemed to soften a bit yesterday as I believe these severe outbursts from S8 that I had only told H about and he had never witnessed himself bothered him and now that he has actually witnessed one I feel God is working on softening his heart to us and slowly leading him home.
I got the income tax return in and decided to sign up for Mort Fertel's Lone Ranger Marriage Boot Camp Teleseminar program for 7 weeks. Yes those of us desperate to fix things will spend money. In my opinion saving my marriage is worth it because not only will H and I have ou rmarriage back but our kids will be saved the agony and despair of more seperation and divorce at some point.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It is especially painful when you see what it is doing to your kids and your partner either doesn't see it or doesn't want to see it.
My W is the one who left, but you would think that the anxiety and sadness that my kids are experiencing was my fault. She truly is on another planet right now. I have come to realize that during the toughest time is when she needs me to love her the most.
I know how much you hurt, because my heart is getting scarred every day too. I pray a LOT and continue on. I will be here for her until my last breath. It is what I signed up for. My wedding vows didn't say that I will love and cherish you but only as long as things are good.
In the last couple of months I have learned that my love for my W is deeper and stronger than I ever could have imagined. God has show me that. He has also shown me that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. I know that I have many more challenges to overcome and I am sure you do as well.
We can do this. We can be the ones who stand strong and work with God to restore our M's. You are doing amazing things! Your H will see it eventually and come back to you and your family. I also believe that God is working on my W too. I haven't seen it, but I believe that he is doing it.
I am continuing to pray for you and your family.
-Bryan
PS-Let me know how your teleboot-camp works out. I have read his stuff and I would love to hear what you think about it after having gone through it.
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
In the last couple of months I have learned that my love for my W is deeper and stronger than I ever could have imagined. God has show me that. He has also shown me that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. I know that I have many more challenges to overcome and I am sure you do as well.
This quote from your post says it all. Isn't it amazing how much we realize how deep and strong the love for the WAS is once they leave? I too have learned the same as you. And I also agree that the strength God has shown us we are capable of is truly amazing as well.
I will let you know how Mort's stuff goes. I so believe there are openings all the time with my H but don't pursue them because I don't want to push him the other way. I have had friends and neighbors and even a super casual acquantance(sp)make mention that I look great and that I seem so much more mellow and more pleasant. I attirbute that all to the canges I have been making in me. You see before H left I was, I hate to admit it, very judgemental of people and quite snotty. Those 2 traits are long gone. I can only hope H is noticeing those things too.
These 2 kids need daddy back as much as I do. This single parent stuff is the pits. I applaud all who do it and struggle with it daily.
H is taking D5 today for some alone time with her as he has done that with S8 a couple times already. S8 has been asking me for some alone time so he and I are going to go out to lunch and to a movie then grocery shopping. The 3 of us will be having dinner with a neighbor tonight then daddy will be over tomorrow to spend his Sunday with the kids while I work in the morning for a couple hours. The last 2 Sundays I have gotten home and made a HUGE breakfast like I used to do every Sunday before he left and he lit up at those 2 breakfasts. All those little things I notice in him just make me realize God is working on his heart. At the same time though I worry that he may get too comfortable with this ease of living and coming and going that he will think it's OK to stay away since I am not making life difficult for him or causing problems. Bob Steinkamp's one book says that is not the case but I still worry. I know that what I am doing is making myself and his family life a better choice than whatever this so called new happier life is.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
