Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

Some journaling.....

Just feeling very lost and confused about all of this. Up until 6 or 7 weeks ago, I knew where I was headed, knew exactly where I was going. I knew that I was on my way to being D'ed, and I was, believe it or not, looking forward to beginning a new life for myself and my boys. It took me a long time to come to terms with this, seeing how it wasn't at all what I wanted at first, but regardless, it had finally happened, and I was ready.

Now I look ahead, and once again, everything is so unclear. So uncertain. I feel so unprepared right now, not knowing what to expect or what to do, and it's frustrating me like crazy.

H picked up the boys on Friday (they'll be back tonight), and he initiated an R talk. He asked what was up, I said not much, that I was going to go into work that night so I'd have less to do the following day. He said, no, he was asking what was up with us. I said I didn't know. He said for me to just tell him how I felt. I said that's hard to do because most of the time, H thinks I'm giving him an ultimatum when I'm not doing that at all. He said just tell him.

Now here's where I feel really confused, and I said this to H as well.

On one hand, I want to continue taking things slow. I want for H to be able to reach a point, where he is absolutely certain, that he wants to be back with his family. I want for him to come to me one day and tell me, on his own, that he wants to move back in. I want to be able to know it for myself, too. I want to know, for sure, that I want H back in my life, permanently, as my husband. Not just as the father of my children or just as the man I am M'ed to on paper.

But on the other hand, I feel like a decision needs to be made now. I want to know how I'm supposed to proceed. Am I moving forward with my H or am I getting D'ed next month? I feel like if I call off the D or ask for yet another continuance, then I'm just going to find myself in the same rut that I've been in over the last few years.....waiting on H.....waiting, waiting, and waiting for him to be ready and ok with coming home. I refuse to do this anymore.

Didn't I wait long enough already? Isn't 2 1/2+ years long enough, if not too long, to wait?

When do I get to say what I want? And is that selfish of me to even ask?

I feel like if H is truly serious about being together, then he should move back in with us, do it soon, and we take it day by day. It's hard to work on strengthening and rebuilding the R when we're not around each other and we don't talk everyday. I'm at home during the day, practically all the time with the kids, and H is at work. In the evenings, I know where I am (at home), and I haven't got a clue as to where he is, but I don't care about that. What I care about is losing that time; Time that could, and should, be spent together, with the kids or just the two of us.

So basically, if we're going to stay M'ed, then I think H should return home to us so that we can actively work on our R together. I don't have the desire to be S'ed any longer, whether it's for another month or another year, and I don't have it in me to wait on H anymore.

I want to move on with my life. With or without him. I owe it to myself and more importantly, to our children.

After telling him this, H didn't really say much other than ok. Then he gave me a hug and told me to have a nice weekend. I wished him the same.

Thanks, just had to get it all out !