Like mrs.cac4 mentioned elsewhere, you can get into the experience even if you're not in the mood to start off, and wind up feeling a whole lot closer and more in love afterward. Especially if you don't psych yourself out and think that the very fact you're not in the mood to start off means that you don't "really" love him.
The feeling of love ebbs and flows, and grows as you work closely together and open yourselves up to each other. And you can feel in love with people you'd never be able to stand to live with, and you can feel in love with two or three people at once, and the in-love feeling basically isn't a very good guide to your decisions. No one was more surprised than yours truly when I found myself falling in love with Mrs. Eddie after many years of wondering if I'd made a terrible mistake... just changing the way we thought about each other and treated each other and opened up to each other made a big difference. The feeling followed the behavior, instead of the other way around.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
just changing the way we thought about each other and treated each other and opened up to each other made a big difference. The feeling followed the behavior, instead of the other way around.
That's exactly it! The feeling followed the behavior. When you act loving, then you feel loving.
I was in love with being in love, and always looking for the thrill of the new love, of discovering the new person. Bad habit. It's hard to make the everyday warmth of a compatible relationship stand out compared to that. Letting go of the desire to have that thrill freed me up to discover the depths of a committed love. It is a very nice thing, like being wrapped in a warm blanket that protects you from a callous world.
The wife of our Post session couple always used to say that love after retrouvaille was better than new love. I thought she was deluded. After all, how could love with my now old spouse be better than our love when we were young and "hot"? But as time goes along, I begin to see what she means. It is a different kind of love bred of knowledge and understanding, no longer about discovery. It is warm and quiet and easy. It is the joy of seeing our whole family together at the dinner table on special occasions, of sharing the same special stories and events. You can break the family apart and start over with someone new, but you can never have that kind of understanding together.
Sara, you've written some excellent posts here about the same things I've been discovering in my own M.
I agree that there is something very powerful about the bond created from years of living with and loving someone, in spite of the difficulties. I wouldn't trade it for anything. IMO, this kind of mature love beats the infatuation-type love of youth any day. (And I'm pretty sure that *is* Schnarchian. )
Snort, LOL. Well, Lil, your version of the 2 x 4 IS getting through, believe it or not. I feel better, just for having known you. I've struggled. No doubt about that one. Everyone here... especially you and LFL.... I just can't express... k... nuff of the squishy feelings.
Please understand that what I am saying to you is not to be mean. I am trying very, very hard not to be my typical rip azz blunt self, and I hope I have found some measure of that.
Who are you and what have you done with our Corri?
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Never mind, I looked up David Schnarch, and took his sexual satisfaction survey. Now I know who he is. Have sex with your eyes open, eh? I never thought about it. I don't know if I do or not.
I know my eyes are open some of the time. But I don't think they are open ALL of the time. And I know my husband's eyes are open some of the time. But I mean, what really is the point? Why does it matter?
And I know my husband's eyes are open some of the time. But I mean, what really is the point? Why does it matter?
I think Schnarch is making the point that a lot of people ML with their eyes closed or never making eye contact with their partner as a way of withdrawing into their own private world instead of CONNECTING. He is suggesting ML with your eyes open and LOOKING at each other's eyes as a way of being present. Also with your eyes open you can see what's going on, see the equipment, body parts, etc.
)
What's Schnarchian?