Loving a WAS isn't easy

[mymonkeybug]

Well today was emotionally draining. I went with my neighbor to her church. It was the first time in years I went to a Sunday church service. It was emotionally draining, that's the best way to describe it. There was talk about community and how one describes themself when asked to tell something about oneself. Well there was also talk of crisis like death, financial issues, and divorce. Well H and I are not near D yet but are seperated and have agreed to not pay all that $$$ to file for a legal seperation, just wait the 12 months and then do a simple divorce filing at the court house. We shall see if that is how it really goes. I realized a couple weeks ago that I was the only one mentioning legal seperation or divorce, as I may have already said in a previous post-can't remember these days, so I decided to stop using those words and planting the seed in his mind because when he first left he said that wasn't necessary-the legal seperation or divorce. I have decided to continue to go with neighbor to this church a couple more times and see how I like it. They have some wonderful childrens programs also.

H was here today like every Sunday because I have to work a couple hours every Sunday a.m. so he comes and stays with the kids then ususally takes them out somewhere. He lingered outside with me and the neighbors for a while before he left when he brought the kids home. I really think he is missing that part of our neighborhood. See we live on a dead end road and there are only 4 of us and we are all a BIG family. We have block parties every Memorial Day and since H and one of the neighbors Bdays are in the same week in June we have another BIG party for that. Man I will miss all that if the kids and I have to leave this house. So anyway I notice little things now that I never would have before H left. Things I believe God is sending my way as signs H is unhappy with his decision to leave but isn't ready to return just yet. For example: the kids gave him this gold ring with an American Flag on it for Father's Day 3 years ago and he only ever wore it on special occassions when we got DRESSED up for something, well he wears it every Sunday when he comes over for the kids now and for all I know he could wear it more often as a reminder of the kids and what he misses. Another: he is very helpful to me and always asks if I need anything or if something needs to be fixed or done before he leaves. He is such an amazing and loving man. I know he is hurting inside over this but puts on a facade of happiness to ease his guilt of leaving when he is here. Another thing I noticed, he was very willing to give me hugs in the first 4-5 weeks but the last couple weeks he has stopped so I don't ask or force them on him. I believe this is his way of trying to detach but it won't work...while you are thinking detaching isn't good when he is the one doing it but for him I believe it is because he has such strong feelings for me still that he feels he has to do all in his power to avoid those feelings coming to the surface i.e. stop physical touch like hugs. When he was hugging it was long serious hugs not just doing it to do it and keep me quiet type of hugs.

OK, I will stop rambling.