We will both do this. I for one am Irish and you know the saying, "The Fighting Irish!!!" Well I have had to make adjustments to the way I fight but I will continue to fight for my M for it is the most important thing to me next to my kids. The kids and I as well as H will all benefit from my fighting and be the stronger one right now.
Bryan if there is any way you can afford some of the DB coaching sessions I would highly rec. it. I had my first 1 of 3 on Thursday and it was so helpful. Actually being TOLD what to do was a great feeling...lol. I had always fought being told what to do but man was it a wonderful thing the other day. See that alone os a major change in me because before H left I would have never stood for bieng told what to do or the suggestion of it even.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Actually I have had 2 of my three sessions with a DB coach already. I found that it is very beneficial to have them just before we go to MC. That way I have a plan going in.
While MC is good, I like the fact that my coach is giving me specific things to do. It is action oriented and that is awesome!
I have also gotten a lot from the Bob Steinkamp books because they talk about what it takes to stand for your M and how it WILL work. I know that the religious approach isn't for everyone, and I haven't always been real accepting of organized religion, but I am feeling much more connected to church and God these days. My W still doesn't talk to me in a nice way, but at least she is talking to me and I guarantee she is noticing the things I have been doing.
Don't let your H get on your last nerve. When you feel him getting there and you want to give him a good chewing out, just count to 10 and think that the only thing you can control is yourself and that you need to let him make his own decisions no matter what they are. That has been a tough one for me. I will be the first to admit that part of my problem was that I treated my wife like she was one of the kids. I have been working really hard to let her do stuff without me always putting my 2 cents in.
I have to tell you that I really miss my wife, and I love her as much now as I ever did. I think that is what keeps me going. I know that I have to look weeks, and months into the future for the outcome of this sitch instead of to today or tomorrow. I have been getting better at being patient. Unfortunately when you are 10 and 12 years old it isn't quite as easy. I really feel bad for my kids, but I do my best to reassure them and continue my efforts to get their mom back home.
Have a terrific day my Irish friend. I think you are doing amazing things!
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
I will be the first to admit that part of my problem was that I treated my wife like she was one of the kids. I have been working really hard to let her do stuff without me always putting my 2 cents in.
OMG Bryan that statement by you was just a HUGE lightbulb going of inside my head. You know what I think I have always done the same thing with my H. Wow, thanks for that one, yet another part of me to work on. I love a good challenge and fighting for this M is one of the best I have ever had but also the most sad and difficult as well.
I ordered 2 of the Bob Steinkamp books about Prodigals returning home and the one about prodigals and what they are thinking and doing while away from their families. I believe they will help me understand what H is going through and in knowing those things I believe they will help me also develop even more patience. I hope they arrive soon.
I agree with you about religion. H and I had always been against organized religion. We were the type of people that need to see it to believe it and didn't agree that there was 1 supreme being. I have however become more close to God since this arose. I find myself praying everyday for my spouses safe return home and for the healing of our family and other things. While I haven't yet committed to going back to church I feel that will be close.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I am glad I could help you turn on a light bulb. The two books you are talking about are two that I have been reading the past few days and they have given me some much-needed insight into what my W is going through.
The W was here a few minutes ago to pick up S12. I really have a hard time when she is around. I just want to hug her and tell her what is in my heart, but I know better and keep myself in check.
While it doesn't bug me as much as it did before, it still hurts to see her without her ring on. I can tell you that I ALWAYS have mine on. And wouldn't be caught without it especially when she is going to be around. She may want to feel single, but I am not ready or willing to give up being married. Not today, not tomorrow, and not EVER!
Did I mention that I HATE weekends? Ugh! It was always our family time. And that is something else I miss dearly. I told my S10 when he asked what he could do to help get mommy home that he could pray. I also told him that daddy is very strong, loves him, his brother and his mom very much and that he can count on me to make sure that everything will be okay. He said he will help as much as he can. I sure have great kids!
Well, I need to get S10 to a birthday party and hit the gym to work out some of my frustrations. Have a great afternoon. I am so glad that you are there for me to share with. You are helping me make a difference. Thank you. Keep up all that you do!
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Well today was emotionally draining. I went with my neighbor to her church. It was the first time in years I went to a Sunday church service. It was emotionally draining, that's the best way to describe it. There was talk about community and how one describes themself when asked to tell something about oneself. Well there was also talk of crisis like death, financial issues, and divorce. Well H and I are not near D yet but are seperated and have agreed to not pay all that $$$ to file for a legal seperation, just wait the 12 months and then do a simple divorce filing at the court house. We shall see if that is how it really goes. I realized a couple weeks ago that I was the only one mentioning legal seperation or divorce, as I may have already said in a previous post-can't remember these days, so I decided to stop using those words and planting the seed in his mind because when he first left he said that wasn't necessary-the legal seperation or divorce. I have decided to continue to go with neighbor to this church a couple more times and see how I like it. They have some wonderful childrens programs also.
H was here today like every Sunday because I have to work a couple hours every Sunday a.m. so he comes and stays with the kids then ususally takes them out somewhere. He lingered outside with me and the neighbors for a while before he left when he brought the kids home. I really think he is missing that part of our neighborhood. See we live on a dead end road and there are only 4 of us and we are all a BIG family. We have block parties every Memorial Day and since H and one of the neighbors Bdays are in the same week in June we have another BIG party for that. Man I will miss all that if the kids and I have to leave this house. So anyway I notice little things now that I never would have before H left. Things I believe God is sending my way as signs H is unhappy with his decision to leave but isn't ready to return just yet. For example: the kids gave him this gold ring with an American Flag on it for Father's Day 3 years ago and he only ever wore it on special occassions when we got DRESSED up for something, well he wears it every Sunday when he comes over for the kids now and for all I know he could wear it more often as a reminder of the kids and what he misses. Another: he is very helpful to me and always asks if I need anything or if something needs to be fixed or done before he leaves. He is such an amazing and loving man. I know he is hurting inside over this but puts on a facade of happiness to ease his guilt of leaving when he is here. Another thing I noticed, he was very willing to give me hugs in the first 4-5 weeks but the last couple weeks he has stopped so I don't ask or force them on him. I believe this is his way of trying to detach but it won't work...while you are thinking detaching isn't good when he is the one doing it but for him I believe it is because he has such strong feelings for me still that he feels he has to do all in his power to avoid those feelings coming to the surface i.e. stop physical touch like hugs. When he was hugging it was long serious hugs not just doing it to do it and keep me quiet type of hugs.
OK, I will stop rambling.
Last edited by mymonkeybug; 02/10/0810:07 PM.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I can relate as far as being emotionally drained, but I can also tell you that if you decide you are going to look at things in a positive light then they will appear that way. I know it sounds silly but it is like if you decide you are happy and you smile you can trick the rest of your body and mind into being happy. All just because you started smiling. When I first heard that I didn't believe it, but now I am a believer.
I read the scripture in church this morning. I had never done that before and as the guy who wasn't big on organized religion I can honestly say that my connection with God and the church is helping me make it through this rough time in my life. I am still not an overly religious person, but I would certainly say that I am starting to see the light. And it makes for a great 180 which I am planning on making a permanent change in my life. I think I would really enjoy doing somethings with the church youth group.
I am happy to hear that you think your H is missing being a part of the family and the neighborhood. The Steinkamp book "The Prodigal's Perspective" says this,
"Thinking about going home might be like a bag of popcorn popping. At first a pop now and then. As things heat up the pops become more frequent almost endless. If you will continue to stand and to pray there will come a time when the timer of heaven sounds and your mate will realize they have no option but to come home."
I am going to start eating more popcorn! LOL
Hang in there, you are doing amazing things for your M and family! Your stand for your M continues to inspire me! Pass the butter and salt!
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
The Steinkamp book "The Prodigal's Perspective" says this,
"Thinking about going home might be like a bag of popcorn popping. At first a pop now and then. As things heat up the pops become more frequent almost endless. If you will continue to stand and to pray there will come a time when the timer of heaven sounds and your mate will realize they have no option but to come home."
I am going to start eating more popcorn! LOL
Glad to know that you are getting something out of "The Prodigal's Perspective"!
I got both of the prodigal books and they are a terrific resource! Thank your for recommending them!
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
I too got both Prodigal books, the Perspective and Prodigal's Do Come Home yesterday in the mail and read them both between yesterday and today. I enjoyed them, especially the perspective one since it was written by someone who was the prodigal. It sure helps me to see that life isn't all happy and glorious as H says it is which would also explain why I have always seen a sadness in his eyes since the moment he made the ILYBNILWY announcement.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Oh and as far as my comment about being emotionally drained at this church today what I will say is that I began to cry hysterically almost as soon as I walked in and didn't stop much at all during the whole service. It was as though I was in a safe place to let my feelings out and about half way home I felt a peace come over me as if I had let the emotions out and was ready for a new day.
Last edited by mymonkeybug; 02/10/0811:46 PM.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
