Short, my h has used the bad marriage thing also, believe me. And now that I am looking at things, I have to say that we were not happy in a lot of ways. But as you said, why not address it? Like the two adults we are, in a thirty year relationship. Just address it like a big boy and let's work it out. But sadly, that is not the choice they made. And that is the choice they have to live with. Me, right now, today. My choice is me. I choose to live my life, know my truths, analyze my shortcomings, change the things I can and choose to, accept my responsiblity for my stuff in the marriage and go on. He chooses her. His choice, his problem. I guess I took my big girl pill today.
Good for you dippy. We do have to take charge of ourselves in all this. Stand or not stand, either way we have to take care of us.
I am not longer going to see my H as I need to heal and detach completely. My H will continue to hurt me if I do not, and that is on me at this point. In truth, he doesn't know how not to. So it is now up to me to do the work to protect myself and heal.
Short, you know yourself better than anyone, so do what is best for you. I have said to you before that your h needs to stand on his own two feet and see how life is without his crutch. Take care of yourself. To thine own self be true.
"I do know one of the MLCer's excuses is the marriage made me do it, at least in my H's case. He has often used the bad marriage excuse with me and others. I don't buy it. Yes there were things that could have been better, but then why not address them? Just doesn't add up.
My H has stepped through the looking glass as far as I can see. Think I will not follow."
My H never said that. He said his affair had nothing to do with me, that we had a great marriage, that I was a good wife and mother. Never blamed me for the affair.
However, what I did discover while conversing with him a little over a year ago was that he could no longer be the sole financial provider. When that came out, I said to him that we discussed these things a long time ago and that we agreed that I would stay home, take care of the kids, homeschool them, etc.
Then I asked him why he never came to me about this, that I would have been more than willing to step in and do what I could financially. He was speechless because he knew he did not discuss with me about how he wanted me to get a job to help out.
Maybe your H does not know how to address problems or was afraid to?
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Maybe your H does not know how to address problems or was afraid to?
Yes, I believe that.. But that is his problem, not mine. In fact a big part of all this seems to me. To be an adult we must learn to communicate our feelings to others. Why? Because, as far as I know, humans can't read each other's minds. No matter how well we know another, we can never really be in their head. People must learn to express their feelings and needs in a way that others can understand and therefore address in responsible ways. What is it we all say to our kids when they are very young..use your words, talk to me. It is a learned skill and a very necessary one. So as important as listening is being able to express yourself is also fundamental to any relationship.
The second part of the problem is more complicated. To communicate our feelings and needs we must in fact know what they are. I see my H as someone who does neither. He doesn't know what he feels..it keeps changing..or what he needs or wants..keeps changing..or how to communicate it. Instead he acts on whatever feeling he is having at any given moment.
But once you act, that is a form of communicating and you are now in another realm. The physical world, not the world of feelings and thought. And then you are stuck defending your actions or living with the consequences, even if the feelings that lead to them are no longer true for you. Actions cross a line and effect others in the real world.
To avoid that my H retreats back to his feeling as a way to discount or justify his actions. But it is the other way around. Actions effect feelings. Feeling do not effect actions unless we allow ourselves to act on our own feelings with out questioning the real world consequences.
Wow. When is a friend not a friend? Don't know if any of you have this problem but...
I have a close girlfriend, also a friend of my H's. She has now decided that the reason my H left is I controlled him. Her logic is since I have strong opinions and express them and follow my own values that I am controlling. In fact any time I don't agree with someone or don't do what they want its control. Hello???
Are we as adults not allowed to have opinions or likes and dislikes that are different? She then emails to tell me I should believe her point of view not my own. What? I should believe her opinion of my marriage over my own? I don't ask her to believe mine, just say here's mine. So who is the controller here?
Wow, Short, then I guess I am controlling also. I have strong opinions and values. Just curious - is she married? Take what people say with a grain of salt. No one knows what went on in your marriage but the two of you. I was one of the two in my m and even I am not sure what the heck went on anymore.
I think throughout this, we will find out who our real friends are. The heck with the rest of them, thats what I say.
Short, come on back to the east coast - where most of the people are the real deal.
I can tell u beware...I had a close friend who I thought was a mutual friend of H and mine....now Ill keep this short but bottom line was when she found out we were seperating she pretended to be my friend and all the while was checkin in with h to see if he was avaialable..you know just being his friend.....little did she know he already went down that path with his co worker and was already invested in an affair...anyway this woman had been my friend for years..i later thought back and how she always made comments about my H , back then I never thought much about it
I am always amazed by what people will actually do.
I made a call today to a service that my son used to use. I was trying to look up and old teacher. Turns out the woman running the service H also had a MLC, affair and all. They stayed married and she said her marriage is better than ever. You never know. For every story of betrayal, there is a story of hope.
I think I need some advice on boundaries. Any one good at this?
As of a few days ago (as I mentioned) I have a GF that seems to find it necessary to tell me her version of who I am and what I did wrong in my marriage. I didn't ask for this.
When I try to respond with I understand, but don't agree. She keeps going. She is convinced that her observations are right. Well, that doesn't bother me, they are hers. What gets me is this need (?) on her part to convince me she is right and I am not. That somehow she knows more about me and my marriage than I do.
At first I tried to say, well I don't agree.. this is how I see it. Then, thanks for your support, but blaming me or telling me the same things as my H is not helpful and hurts me as I know he is lying about a lot of this stuff. In the end, I took the time to tell her what I thought to be the truth as I thought as a friend she would like to hear the facts.
Well, she is stuck in her view, I am controlling him and he left me because of it. The fact that my H feels controlled by the world and everyone in it doesn't seem to matter. (He felt that way about this friend also..maybe I should have told her).
Anyway, some good advice on how to not get pulled into self defense mode would be great.
