Ok, my W's items are packed and in the garage. This ordeal has been very difficult. I've decided I'm not going to split all of D's stuff right now but just give W what she needs for the next few days until we can figure out custody.
I'm currently staring at the clock waiting for 2 pm to get here. I've also been thinking about what I need to do to make this a 180 opportunity. She didn't expect me to stand firm on not leaving the house and having the police as the 3rd party, so I have that going for me right now.
However, I do think she expects me to be upset in one way or another -- either crying and depressed or yelling at her. So, I have to do neither. I have to be "normal" and be strong. If I want to break down, I can, but not until she's gone. Then, and only then can I cry.
I am going to ask to see my D because I miss her very much. Not sure how that one will go, however.
I'll keep you all posted after the exchange happens. RTL
Keep strong. You are right with what you've been thining. It will be hard to not look sad (and fake), but as you said do not look depressed and cry and for God's sake do not yell at her.
Concentrate on your D. Let us know how it went. I'll be thinking of you.
W came to the house a bit early and asked if she could come in b/c the police weren't there yet. I told her I'd open the garage and I came outside with our 2 dogs so she could see them. She had her sunglasses on b/c she was crying. In fact, she cried the entire time she was here. Is that a good sign? I didn't cry in front of her, but because she was so down, I didn't want to be too chipper. I was pretty calm, quiet and reserved. I was respectful of her and her needs.
Her father was with her and I went out to greet him and told him I wish we weren't meeting under these circumstances and he said "I never imagined this would ever happen." My reply was a bit of a slip, but I hopefully shifted gears quick enough.
I replied "It isn't over yet." Should never have said that one, but it came out. Yikes!
Anyway, I loaded her stuff into the car and she asked if she could go in for a few things and I hesitated and then said yes. I went into the house with her and held a box so she could put her socks in the (I can't believe I forgot to pack her socks!) and a few things for D (books, DVDs, etc.). She continued to cry as she moved around the house and would stop and look at things and cry. I'm hoping this is somewhat of a good thing, but again, I'm not sure.
As we were leaving, I told her "I'm supposed to change the locks and the alarm code to protect myself legally. I'm going to try and hold out on this and I'll let you know when it happens."
W: "Why do you have to do this?" M: "My L said to do it in case you want to come and clean the place out." W: "You were there with David (her 1st husband). You know I wouldn't do that." M: "I don't know what to think from you anymore. You also said I'd get a year and we're not yet at 6 months. So I really don't know."
She stopped in the doorway and stood there. I said to her "I still don't think we have to do this." She moved to her car to go.
Ok, those last lines probably shouldn't have been in there, but it was, so now I have to just let it lie.
W talked about allowing me to have D on Thursday and Friday if we can't agree on temp. custody. I said our L's are supposed to be talking tomorrow about temporary custody. She said "That is if we agree."
I replied if we don't then we'll unfortunately have to settle it in front of a judge, so I hope we can find something in the short run we can agree on.
I told her she could let me know what type of things she needed as basics to get started in her new apartment and I'd get them for her to come and get on Thursday. I told her I didn't mind giving her basic stuff right now b/c we still need to have our joint account to for the automatic payment of bills and we just can afford any unneeded expenses. I asked her to keep me posted as to what she buys so I can try and keep our expenses as on track as possible.
She said she'd e-mail me a list of basic things she'd need and I told her to let me know if there was anything I forgot to pack so I can get it to her.
As she was getting ready to leave, her dad asked if he could come in and see the finished room addition that he helped us on in parts, so I said yes and we came inside. My W poked her head in the door to see if her dad knew how to get back to the park where D was w/ Grandma and then she left. She was crying again as she left, so I know this has to effect her somehow.
Her father wished me the best and shook my hand. This is where I started to lose it a bit and teared up. I thanked him for everything, waved to him as he drove off then shut the garage door.
I'm not sure how well I did today, but I think under the circumstances, I at least passed with a low C. I was able to keep from crying in front of my W and kept most of the talk centered on how this is a legal thing we've got going now.
I don't know. Should I be encouraged at all by my W's tears? Were my slip-ups really big ones? I'm confused as to the significance of what happened today, but I'm glad it is finally over.
What a tough day. Just know that there are better days ahead. I dont think your slip ups were big ones. Also, dont read too much with your W crying. Moving her stuff out is very emotional and she may not have been crying over losing you. For now, just try to be friends and see what you agree on. Let time take its course and have faith in yourself. I hope your W comes to an awakening, and if she does, you will know it.
Thanks for the support. I'm pretty sure my W's tears were not for me, but I am hoping she'll continue to be saddened by the separation as this goes along.
I know I need to be her friend right now and support her, but if I agree too much with her on things, then I'll run out of time. I need to stretch this out as much as I can to give myself any hope of her having a change of heart or an awakening.
Just like with her 1st marriage, she wants this to be quick, clean and done so she can act like the past never happened and start again.
I'm so sad. I guess I should have seen this coming because of her past patterns. I'm pretty sure she's been planning this for a while and why she decided to end it before giving me my full year is beyond me. I'm pretty sure there is an OM because w/o one she wouldn't be able to go on her own. She never has and she's definitely unstable right now. She needs the outlet and as long as the OM is around, she won't have to face up to anything else.
Custody is the next hurdle and I've got to stick to the best interests of my D on this one. The sad fact is that may force me to take on the W which will most likely kill all hope of saving this marriage and heading off this divorce.
The worst week is over, so now it is just on to next week. If I can string it out for a year, I only have to survive another 51 weeks of this, so I'll start counting down now.
H and I agreed not to sell the house right now for the same reason...the market is horrible for sellers and we unfortunately would only clear enough to pay the real estate agents commission that and I made it clear to H that I will not upheave the kids because that would add more stress to their lives right now that they DO NOT need since he left. He agreed that it would be best for them to stay here. The kids are already devestated about daddy leaving and I don't want to add to that by taking away their school environment, their friends, their neighbors, their security since this house is THEIR HOME and SECURITY right now.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
This is tough I can imagine. DO NOT give up HOPE ever. There have been numerous M's reconciled even after the BIG D is final. I think her reason for wanting it quickly is to avoid the emotional ties with you. The longer it takes the more time for her to have a change of heart and right now she is so lost and confused she doesn't want to think of that possibility. Just my opinion though.
Do what you can for D and remember to be a friend for W, regardless of how this ends you and she will always be bonded since you have a child together...one day you will be marrying her off together and then grandparenting together so a divorce is simply the end to a piece of paper not the bond the two of you will forever have.
Odd question here...could you or would you contact her ex-H and confide in him or is that totally out of the question?
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I'm pretty sure we can't afford to sell the house right now. I'm going to make that case to my L and make sure he relays it to W. She didn't think everything through and I need to make sure to slow everything down and make sure she has plenty of time to realize this is big time stuff here and not a quick and easy game.
As for hope, I won't give it up. I'm planning on fighting for us until she's married again, but I realistically don't know if I can hold out that long.
In any event, after she left today, I took the dogs for a walk to get some food to eat and I actually began fantasizing about my W deciding after our D that she realizes she made a big mistake and wants me back. I don't know if it would ever come to pass that way, but I'm bouncing around EVERY scenerio right now because I'm not sure where this will go.
I know I may drive her over the edge if I look to get sole custody of my D so my W can get help with her depression and her drinking, but ultimately, if I have to make that sacrifice for her well-being, I will.
I may have to do something like this to have her hit rock bottom because until any of us hit the lowest of lows, we are unable or unwilling to try and change ourselves and our situation.
Well, that is it for now. She just sent me a text asking where I put her phone charger. I had 5 100 gallon tubs for her stuff, do you think I remember which one had the charger in it? I bought clear ones on purpose so she can see where it is w/o digging through anything.
I included a short note telling my D I love and miss her and that type of message will be what I work with in my communciations with my W. Short and simple with her, but always making sure to include a note to my D.
Finally, as for the ex, I can't find him and if I did, I'm not sure he'd be much help. He didn't care enough to even question the 1st divorce too much and I'm pretty sure he's out of state now. I don't know how much help he'd be willing or able to give me right now.
It was a terrible day indeed. However, it is over and now that this uncomfortable situation has passed, I think I may have a better chance of getting myself back in gear and working on my needs through all this.
How are you surviving? Week one after D-Day is brutal. I can only hope they get better. I'm still working on the spiritual end of things and I need to start to read and fill my time up.
I'm going to try and focus as much as I can away from my lonliness, but that too will be a challenge as long as the custody of our D is in question.
I can only pray our L's will talk tomorrow and get something set up on custody so I can have my D in my arms again soon.
