respond or stay still?

[heartbreak2]

The past few wks have been insane in many ways.
I found out when taking d's car to garage that
H is living in a condo on the water and has a joint
ins. policy with OW. And he is paying rent on the condo
that he pretends to live in for the kids sake and his family.

I had to speak to him once last week about d and he was ok on the
phone almost sounded like he did 9 months ago.

there is something that is bugging me...
on the night he came here with his sister I told him I was not angry with him I was upset that he had not told me that she was sick. He looked at me and said.. "you have a lot of things to be upset with me about"

well Wed. I called the L to tell him about the condo and he might have actually purchased it. He told me that H's L had sent a fax saying that H had given me all the papers I asked for wks ago.
???????????????????????????
NOPE
so my L was pissed off totally that she is blaming us for stalling when H is the one who has not complied with the request.
Though the L and I are in agreement that his sisters health needed to be taken into consideration and I we were sitting and waiting for him. We are in no hurry.

So the condo is not owned by him I did find that out. But proves he is living with her.

He has been quiet this weekend and did not spend time with s but is going off with d tonight.

A part of me has given up feels like I am a failure and have been defeated. THen there is a small part that comes through and says.. wait he did not buy that condo so he is not totally committed to her.
Then the little voice says... but he has changed the address on all his stuff to "his" condo now after 19 months.

I am in a rut.. can't seem to climb out this time and I am worried.
I have a new puppy and can't seem to connect with him, my emotions are so flat all of a sudden.

I look back over the last 3 wks and I am so mad at myself for getting upset with him and letting myself get bitter. Why did I do that? Why can't I just be calm cool and collected and go with the flow.

I was better at this the summer he left than I am now.

This weekend it is one yr since he wanted to come home for the last time.
he came and told me he was guilty of this that and another thing and I got upset for he was feeling guilty for hurting the person he was with and not me and never said he was sorry.

I just stayed quiet all weekend didn't say much.

Part of me no longer has feelings for him he is so far away.......

need help to snap out of the rut.....