She's Gone - No Contact

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Michelle. I appreciate the "estimate." But I certainly hope and pray that it's months instead of years.

Please anyone - when should I send a card, call or send a text to "test the waters?" Haven't seen her face to face since Nov. 2. We spoke last on the phone Dec. 12. Communicated via text message last weekend (Feb. 1) but several of my January texts went unanswered. She only responded to me on Feb. 1 because she has something of mine at her house that a friend of mine needed. If I had just sent a text to say hi or how are you, she wouldn't have answered. Thanks! K

[MichelleLT]

I hope it is only months as well. But it's usually better to be prepared for the worse (e.g. she's never coming back and won't even want to be friends again) since that way you can have no expectations and be pleasantly surprised by good things.

She will probably see any casual messages as pursuing. Give it a few weeks at the least unless you actually need something. Since Feb is a short month, maybe set a goal for March 1st or something? Then send her an e-mail or call that is very casual, just a hey, hope you are doing well kind of thing. Better if you actually have a real reason to contact her. Otherwise, it's better to let her make contact.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Michelle. I read over all my messages today from you, Atlas and Nik. Questions for everyone (now you can see how I drove her crazy with all the questions):

1. Michelle - the horse analogy. How can I stimulate curiousity in her when we have no contact? How will she "hear" things? We really don't have any mutual friends. We are 30 miles apart, different cities in which we live, different cities in which we work, different friends, churches, shopping, everything.

Regarding a call or text on March 1st - which would you do, send a text, call on the phone or wait for her to call (I probably won't email, we don't typically communicate that way and hers is at work and she doesn't check it often, etc.)?

2. Saffie - What makes you think that the hope for her returning is small? Do you know of other lesbians who were questioning their identity (or their religious beliefs) and never returned?

3. Anyone - Is there a chance she will accept her sexual identity alone? I really don't see her going to a counselor for help.

Thank you all. You are all lifesavers. K

[MichelleLT]

I've asked myself that question 100 times. But whether she hears from you about things left at houses, friends of yours that she runs into, friends of hers that you run into, or just the curiosity in her own head, she will have moments where she wonders. You need to do the GAL and PMA for your mental health and your future. But it will make you more attractive to her if she ever works through her sexuality issues.

Your situation is in some ways very unique from what I have seen on this BB. While most of us have sexual issues which result from or lead to the problems we are dealing with, hers is much more fundamental. Her decisions about her sexuality dictate whether there is even a possibility that you can work things out. She has to deal with it on her own. Whether or not she sees a C, the decisions will ultimately happen within her.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Michelle. Does anyone else out there have any experience with this sort of thing? Does anyone know of any books I could read dealing with this particular issue?

Thank you all for your help. Even my shrink didn't have much experience with this and he's been counseling for 30 years.

K

[NikB]

Hey K,

Glad you've gotten some other perspectives.

From reading your last few days of posts, I think you are still extremely focused and obsessing about her. Let her go and leave her alone. For example..

So do you think, like my shrink, that the religion thing is just an excuse to distance from me? He says the bottom line is she's unaccepting of her sexuality (like you said). Religion, our problems not getting along, etc. are all just "excuses."

Who knows.. you couldn't read her mind before when you were in the R, you're DEFINITELY not gonna be able to now. (I know we've all tried!!)

What is your estimate of how long "her process" might take?

Take a look at yourself... how much work you've done and how much furter you have to go. That's going to be VERY individual for everyone, but that may give you an indication that it's going to (unfortunately) be a long, slow process if it ever happens.

Please anyone - when should I send a card, call or send a text to "test the waters?"

Regarding a call or text on March 1st - which would you do, send a text, call on the phone or wait for her to call (I probably won't email, we don't typically communicate that way and hers is at work and she doesn't check it often, etc.)?

Don't even worry about this right now.. focus on you. I can see how you'd get absolutely focused on this "March 1 text" thing and obsess with that, instead of working on other things to make your life great.

2. Saffie - What makes you think that the hope for her returning is small? Do you know of other lesbians who were questioning their identity (or their religious beliefs) and never returned?

I'm not Saffie, but from my perspective.. sometimes when the person leaves they are really and truly DONE with the relationship. I can't recall if it's on your thread or somewhere else that I posted this - but I truly think her STBXH could invent the cure for cancer, give it to everyone for free, and she'd STILL want nothing to do with him. From talking with her, I can tell you that there is absolutely NOTHING he could do/have done to change her mind once she left. MANY of the people who are the "walkaways" here probably think the same thing and are surprised when we make changes and they begin doubting their choice. That's what we hope for. But sometimes, there is no changing their mind, period.

3. Anyone - Is there a chance she will accept her sexual identity alone? I really don't see her going to a counselor for help.

Not your problem and not your job to "fix" for her. Let it go and hope she finds a good path for herself.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Nik.

Yes, I am still focused on what I need to do to have any chance of her returning to me. What makes me obsessive? I thought everyone here wanted their spouse back.

You suggested I "test the waters" in about a month. I just wanted to find out if March 1 was too soon or about right.

I do realize that she may be "done." But if there's any hope, I'm hanging onto that right now. I believe in getting a life, leaving her alone, etc. but in my heart I hope and pray that she will return to me. I am leaving that door open indefinitely. I may date someone else in the meantime but the door will remain open (unless I happen to find someone I really like). Is this wrong to keep hanging on to hope? Is this wrong to date someone else (if I have the opportunity)?

Note: For anyone reading this, Nik's response to #2 is regarding her SIL's STBXH.

I appreciate your advice. Let me know if I'm off track.

Michelle, Saffie - What do you think?

K

[NikB]

Hey K,

Sheesh yes I left out an important detail on #2 being my SIL's opinion. Sorry! I lost that when I cut/pasted somehow.

The obsessive part.. I say it because I see it in myself, too.. you're thinking about everything you do in terms of what it'll do for your R with her? Or seems like it, anyway. It may just be that it's only when you post here, but is your R (or hope for an R) part of every decision you make?

Yep.. we ALL want our spouse back.. the obsessive comes in when it's your main focus. If it's "I'm doing XYZ because I like it and it's part of what I want in my future" (and oh yeah hopefully spouse is interested too) that's one thing. If it's "I'm doing XYZ because it may bring spouse back to me" that's another.

It's a tiny example but after my H left the first time I started getting my nails manicured/polished regularly. I liked that.. it felt like "me." Then, I got a "pink and white" acrylic set of nails (what OW had and H had commented on). I did it "for" him and I hated it. It NEVER felt like "me" but I told myself I was going to keep those nails no matter what if my H liked them. Silly.. but at the time it made sense. He DID like them but I hated them, it wasn't me... it felt SOOO good when I finally got rid of them and went back to being me.

I DO think testing the waters is a good idea in a month or so (March 1 may be good) - I just meant don't put everything on hold waiting for that date and the "perfect" thing to say.

Definitely hang onto that hope, but move on as well.. it's a fine line for sure, we've all been there.

(((K)))

[Kinlovewithm]

Hey Nik.

No. Everything I do is not done with "her" in mind. I am working, thinking, planning on what I want to do for myself. I'm only thinking of what to do in terms of when/if to contact her on March 1. I really am doing OK. Before she came along I was usually quite happy alone. I love to read, cook, just be in my house having fun. I have plenty of family & friends for when I do need to get out. But I'm coming back around to enjoying my home again. I admit most of my reading however, is done with relationships in mind. Next time, I want to do it right whether it's with her or someone else. Today, for the first time, I actually thought, I'll be OK if she doesn't come back. I have hope that the "right person" and I will meet in the not too distant future.

I can't relate to the nails thing. Actually, she was very good at not having any expectations from me at all. Maybe, the things that I also like, she liked, such as my perfume (I was wearing it before I ever met her), my long hair (again, it was long before I met her). She really was good at giving me space, freedom to be who I wanted to be, etc. I just sucked at all those things.

Don't worry. I am not putting anything on hold. I am moving on. Trying to get a life. Trying to be happy, confident, independent, etc. Thinking of going out with others. I will simply contact her to "test the waters." I am a "one-woman" woman. Even though we weren't "married", I felt as if we were, would have stayed with her and worked on the relationship for as long as it took, etc. I take relationships very seriously and would rather fix what I have than trade her in for a newer model.

What is your advice regarding the contact? Text message, card in the mail or phone call? I really like to plan in advance. Ha. Ha.

Thanks for the hugs! And I hope your situation is improving.

((((NikB)))

[MichelleLT]

I definitely agree with your point about fixing what you have than trading in for a newer model, as does everyone on this site I think, otherwise we'd be long gone.

Which of those types of contact do you think she would see as the least pressure? Remember, you're testing the waters, but don't chase her away with pressure. And you need to be fully prepared for the fact that she almost certainly will not have come to terms with her sexuality and will have very mixed feelings about any conversations with you. I'm just saying, be prepared.

Keep doing things for yourself. You sound good. Hang in there.