Small positive steps, what now?

[transformer]

Kalni,

I might be totally out of the loop here, so feel free to hit me with a 2 x 4 if what I say doesn't make sense.

Didn't he respond really well to the sex positions calendar? So maybe reaching out helps instead of hurts?

Just a thought...

((HUGS))
T

[Kalni]

Hi T,

Good to have you back! I read your update on your thread. It's all part of this stupid game. Pain is very vicious, persistent, sometimes consumes your mind your heart and body. But you know what, you reach a point where you become familiar with it. You know how it feels and once you get passed the zero point any amount of it is "welcome" because the worst has passed. Pretty soon you just dare the pain because you know you can handle it. I can't cry anymore... (am I making sense here?). I go back to good memories and it hurts but I don't mind, I read letters look at pictures and I don't colapse. Heck, I am looking everyday at my H junior (my son, they look like copies of each other) and I enjoy what I am seeing. So what If I am still in pain?

About me... I know what you are saying. You are right that this could be the other way to look at it. But how can I reach out to him more? I had made it very clear to him that I am here. I was pretty bold at occasions. It would be the radical aproach to do more and I am not sure I can handle it. I can't take anymore rejections from him. Also, this DBing, says not to talk about R, wait for them to initiate any kind of contact, do not push etc.etc. How can I reach out and not backslide? Any suggestion is very welcome. I have time to think about it some more.

Update: both my kids are throwing up everywhere. He has been calling every hour to find out their situation. I am friendly, not worried about the kids too much (180 for me), and I have things under control. He is pulling back, I sense it. I think he is reacting to me being distant. I need to make it clear it's not something he is doing, I am not acting like this because I want to punish a specific behaviour. It has to be clear I am choosing for myself to move forward, with or without him.

Kalni

Thanks fb2 for checking on me again today. I know what you mean by monitoring my feelings.

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Kalni...thanks! I would love to meet you if we fly in via Athens! I cant wait, I love Greece, I hope I manage to get there this summer (my sister is in the US so we need to coordinate).

I love your list too, and I think it sounds like a plan. I like the bit "be prettier" ! As for the astrology stuff...its so fascinating what you say about March. I think you mentioned it on my thread, so I'll post it there. Yes, paint again and glad you are going to expose him more to the responsibilities of your childrens welfare, good for you.
Ali x
________________

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Kalni,
PS: You posted your stars recently...well how about these for us pisceans, for this week!...

"You are following a particular plan for a very specific reason. You may not yet be getting much by way of a result, but that doesn't mean you are making a mistake. Good things take time. Very good things take an awful lot of time. When you are standing on top of a mountain, it is easy to plot a route through the valley ahead. When you are down in those dales, it is hard to remember quite how far you could once see. Yet you are nearer now to your destination than you were before."

yay! I am inspired to continue...
(((Kalni)))
Ali x

[lizzy]

I am so mad at him being such a wimp, I could hit him real hard. The words of my friend yesterday telling me "he is just gaining time because he doesn't have the strength to detach form you, but he doesn't want to be with you " really hurt. If that's the case and he is prolonging my suffering just to feel at ease, makes me really really mad. If our M ends like this, I know for sure who will be the one suffering at the end, and it won't be me. I think I have paid my dues.

Kalni, our H's have the wimp thing in common too. Some days I feel that my H still loves me and wants to work on our R in the future. Other days I think he just doesn't have the courage to tell me it is over. Either way, I know I will be able to tell my Ds that I tried to save our M. H won't be able to say that without lying.

[Kalni]

Hi all,

This has been an awful week for many of us on these boards. I've reading through the newcomers threads and it seems that a lot of people I 've been following their sitch are having a very hard time.It's sad.I hope that everybody will manage to get through this week sane and strong.
And a lot of new people joining (unfortunately)...

I am one step from sending him a letter urging him to start the legal procedures. I am fed up. Nothing he did. It's al about me and my patience and my strength. I think I need to redecorate the entire house just to get out of this state (it wasn't in my goals, I should add it). But I won't(send the letter). I made a couple of drafts but I'll sleep on it. Need some time to think it over. Maybe I should just hit him with a nice Valentines' day card with a not so Valentines day message...

My kids are sick and I hate to see them suffer.

Kalni

[addie]

Kalni,
I've read up on your sitch. Sorry you've been on a rollercoaster.

Don't send H that letter (at least not yet). Take some time to think about it first. You're going through a very hard time, your kids are sick, Valentine's Day is coming up (which is affecting all of us). Just take some time to calm yourself down before you do anything you may regret.

[transformer]

Kalni,

Please do not give up hope. I know you are fed up. If you feel like you have no patience left, you do not have to rely on your own strength. Ask your higher power to fill you with patience and strength. We don't have to do this alone!!!!!! God, the Dharma, whatever you want to call it, wants reconciliation to happen. Not just you. Do you hear what I'm saying? This power can work within us, even within the WAS, for reconciliation. Alone we are too puny! We must rely on greater powers WHILE marsheling our greatest strength and comittment!

I know our situations are very different, but please if you are thinking about filing, read refuse to lose or tostada's threads and see how much SH!t they are dealing with. It will be way, way, way, way harder to win your husband back and reunite your beautiful family and bring a father back for your amazing (if currently projectile vomiting children) once you get lawyers trading letters enumerating all the ways each Spouse has "failed" to be a good partner. PLEASE KALNI. If you are fed up... distance. Make cheese pies. Talk to your friends. Talk to us. Paint. Redecorate. Buy beautiful new clothes. Play with your amazing children. Whatever it takes. Make yourself feel good. But Do not file!!! Maybe it is different in Greece, but here, D makes everything suck SO MUCH MORE... not less.

Can you remind me what your goals are for him? Or what the "first steps" would be that would indicate that he *might* be turning? There are so many things from your thread that SCREAM to me that you should be hopeful... he was excited about the sex positions calendar!! He has told your C that he is interested in coming back, right? Those two things alone are SO HUGE. Others on this BB are prepared to wait months, maybe even years, for those kinds of encouraging signs.

I know you miss him, I know you are sick of this BS. You want your husband, best friend, lover, father of your children, back at your side. I know you want this solved so soon, soon, soon. But what is your time frame? how can you adjust your time frame and your expectations of him? They are only going to come back on their time frame. We cannot control it. We can try to "lubricate" things with our DB'ing. But in the meantime we have to focus on our own strength, our own happiness, we have to sustain ourselves, because patience is the name of the game! Do not let his timeframe wear YOU out!

I am thinking of you Kalni... You deserve to succeed. Don't sabotage your own success with your frustration !!! Keep your eye on the prize!

((HUGS))
TRANSFORMER

[AliSuddenly]

Again, you are a joy to read T ! I agree with you. Also, I woke up thinking about you Kalni!

We'd talked astrology and you said you were a little disheartened at the Saturn stuff...but I'm not even sure your H is being affected by Saturn as a cause of this (other than you have been married 7 years, so that is the first "turn" of Saturn and can be a stressful time in Rs.."the 7 year itch" !) Also, I dont agree with your astrologer that your H will remarry...that would be hard to say for certain, only that the conditions for remarriage exist. We do still have free will though! Hang on in there, we've got the eclipse in our opposite sign on Feb 21st and the New Moon in Pisces on March 7th, so lots of changes due which may "unstick" the sitch, and Uranus (the planet of change and all things exciting) is in Pisces and is hitting my Sun right on my birthday in March and may be affecting you too right now...when is your birthday??

[Kalni]

Hi Ali,

my bday is 3/3 his is 12 jun, same year 1971.
I am trying real hard to keep it together.
Kalni