I agree, it's poop-or-get-off-the-pot time, but I'd make some adjustments in your speech. But before I suggest those, I need to say categorically, that you do NOT leave your house! You've done nothing wrong, and while some of us can disagree about confrontation & exposure techniques, nearly EVERYONE agrees that the betrayed spouse should NEVER leave their house, esp. if there are kids are involved (where the wayward spouse can then make a legal case for "abandonment.") So I seriously hope you will NOT do that.
I also do NOT think you should pay for an apartment, for her to use to carry on her affair. This is enabling, and emasculating, and unless a judge orders you to do so, DO NOT do this.
And if she asks you for a divorce, simply re-state your position of "I do not want a divorce, and I won't file for one just yet, as I don't think we've done everything we can to try to repair our marriage. I'm not a quitter. If YOU want to file, then you of course may do so, and I can't stop you."
Now, just some friendly/constructive suggestions:
Quote:
"WAW, I'm sorry you feel [whatever she says] because I have a different position. In the moments you've let your emotional wall down, we both recognized that if we re-engaged in a positive manner to move the M forward, it could become stronger than ever. But that will only happen if we don't get mired in the resentment and negativity of the past. Our MC really helped to break up our impasses and if we move forward, he can help us find balance for our needs. But right now I feel like things are jamming up again.
Your opening sentence is a "yeah, but" and isn't very validating. It's like praising an employee, or a child, and in the same (or very next) sentence, criticizing them. Better to say "I'm sorry you feel (whatever she says); you're obviously hurting and confused, and I hate to see you this way. I'm really sorry you feel this way." The rest of that opening paragraph is OK, but kinda wordy. I'd personally end it at the ". . . it could become stronger than ever" part.
Quote:
You told me last week that you're still attracted to OM. I've read a lot on ways to make M work and everyone says the same thing - if there is an active A, forget it. The M will be mired in indecision and limbo. This is especially true if its an emotional A because the emotions needed to fix the M are being siphoned away by OM.
You're trying to "teach" her. You can't teach an infidel. You can get little "truth darts" in here and there, but you can't TEACH them. I think you should simply say "You told me last week that you're still attracted to, and still in contact with, OM. Since you have unilaterally decided to invite a 3rd person into our marriage, I'm sure you can see how there's no way for us to make any real progress while you're still involved with someone other than your husband."
Quote:
So it comes down to choosing. Are you, WAW, willing to sacrifice the chance to save your M and home for OM? You have to choose if we're going to move out of this negative space together. Otherwise, I will move on with enjoying my life and if I haven't heard from you, I will file for D in 3 months.
I wouldn't put a deadline on it for her. I think you should absolutely have one YOURSELF, but to her, I think you should say "please don't think my patience is infinite, because I will not wait forever. I'm losing patience -- and love -- every day that you disrespect me by having an affair, and I can't wait much longer."
Let her know you love her, that you do NOT want a divorce, and that you DO want to work on your marriage. And let her know that that cannot happen when there's a 3rd person involved, let her know your patience is running out, and that she needs to make a decision.
Finally, if you haven't already done so, I think you need 1-3 boundaries that you ask her to respect, and you either reiterate them here or tell her of them here. They are different for each of us, but they should be the two or three things that absolutely kill YOUR self-confidence, and that you feel stand in the way of doing the things necessary to make a better Lodo.
