Willing to be disturbed...

[ediemarie]

Hi Ladies - thanks for swinging by. I'm glad you enjoyed the list. I like it too. Not doing too well at abiding by it, but it does provide some food for thought...

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So, we kind of had the talk - not really the way I wanted it to go, but it's out there.

The background to Friday night's talk:
In November, H bought a new car (and by new I mean, new to him, not at all a new car). He bought it outright from a private seller. A car he has wanted for a very long time. The very next day (on his birthday) he got in an accident in that car. He was devestated. It needed tons of body work done to it and *we* had just bought it - spent just about everything we had in savings to pay for it out right so we wouldn't have a car loan.

The estimate to get it fixed came to about 4,000. That was more than we had, and more than we wanted to pay to fix it. So H asks the guy fixing it if he could find used parts to fix the car - car guy says sure. So in the meantime while the car guy has been looking for used parts and claiming to be fixing the car, I have been walking home from work (H takes me in the morning). I walk to the train station (7 minute walk) take the train home (20 minute ride) and then walk home (7 minute walk). Not that big of a deal and at first I was happy to do it. H has been driving *my* car and it is mine as I pay all the bills on it (our finances are separated). About 1 month ago I got really fed up with walking. It's cold here, I'm resenting paying for a car I can't drive, etc. etc. On top of that, the car guy couldn't find the necessary parts, H wasn't on top of calling him regularly, and I felt like I was the one getting screwed. So, I told H that I was no longer going to take the train. It was becoming a problem for me and he needed to figure out what to do about his car - junk it, make it road worthy without fixing ALL of it, or we'd find a way to pay the 4,000. His choice, but he wasn't going to use my car anymore. H was ok with this. And he's been renting a car during the week ever since. He said he understood, etc. BTW, we still don't have the car back. On Friday, H heard from the car guy that car will be done on Monday (tomorrow - yippie!) It will cost a little over 2,000 for all the repairs to be done (minus painting the car - that will be done at a later date). Fine. So H announces to me Friday night that he wants to wait until pay day (Thursday) to pick up the car - as we don't have the $$ to cover it until then. He said he will not pay for another rental, as it's a waste of money, and doesn't want to put it on a credit card (and neither do I, really) and I'm going to have to walk/take the train.

I refused.
H got mad.
R fight begins.

I don't remember all of the details (there was alcohol involved), but this is the gist of what was said:
H:
- if he were the one that had to walk/take the train he wouldn't mind doing so. He just projected that feeling on me and didn't think I was serious when I said I didn't want to walk anymore, because he wouldn't mind doing it.
- doesn't think that we (read me) will ever be able to communicate effectively without the help of a marriage counselor
- he doesn't believe he has anything to change about himself that a counselor could help with
- he won't have sex because he doesn't feel like it. why doesn't he feel like it? He believes I will reject him.
- while he thinks he may only be able to overcome this "fear" with a counselor's help, he doesn't think he has enough of a problem to see one
- this is the same reason he will not dialogue with me - when asked if there was anything I've done to make him feel this way, he said that my feelings make him feel badly
- thinks we have made real progress over the last few months, hasn't felt this connected to me in a long time - this argument has the potential to make all of that disappear

Me:
- I would not reject him sexually
- MC will work *if* we both go in with an open mind and are open to changing (he is not open to changing)
- I think things are getting better too, but would like to be physcially connected (h said that will come with time)

So, not sure about pushing the MC thing. If he isn't interested in opening up and delving in, I don't see the point. I'm not going to pay 150/session to hear him stay silent or hear myself talk. Also, not sure about walking for the rest of the week. I really don't want to, but we could use the money that he would spend toward a rental on the car itself. That would be helpful. I think if he had come out and *asked* if I would mind walking this week, rather than assuming I would be fine with it, I would have been better with it. It's the fact that he just acts entitled to my car that burns me up. It makes me want to dig my heels in and say no. I think I'll address this with him today - calmly.

I'm noticing a pattern here - H gets an idea in his head, acts on it, and leaves me to deal with the consequences without a conversation. I need to address this. It's not working for me. (This has happened with sex, traveling, walking home for the last 3 months, and now walking home this week.) These unilateral decisions are killing me!

Phew - that was a long post!!
Hope everyone is having a great weekend!