Beginning again like a newbie

[ACJ]

I've made a start on putting things right between me and the children. I've apologised to D12 and S15 for the way in which I have behaved over the last 2yrs. Interestingly they had different reactions. D12 said I had nothing to apologise for as I had done nothing wrong. S15 just hugged me. As S15 has been around more so far today and we have had a chance to discuss things I also told him that I wanted him to reconsider going on holiday with H at Christmas. First he asked me why and I just said 'he is your dad he deserves to have a christmas with you all'. Then when I asked him if he truthfully wanted to go on holiday with H he said he did but he wasn't sure he wanted to go at Christmas b/c last year when he went away with me and the girls he felt like he had missed out. I queried what he meant by this and he said it hadn't felt like Christmas. I pointed out that this was possibly b/c we went somewhere hot and that H wanted to take them skiing so it might be different. He agreed that might be the case but said he still wasn't sure. I didn't push I just wanted an honest opinion from him.

Last weekend H put in an email to me that he thought if I just took time to listen to what the children wanted I would find that actually they want us to get D!!!!!!!!! So today I asked S15 if this is how he felt. He said no but it might make things easier all round. I asked him to elaborate on this and he said it would stop all the arguements. I pointed out that the main thing we argue about is him and his sisters (and we always did that) so I didn't see how it would change anything. He then said that he is very aware that H threatens to cut money for them etc when I won't comply with his wishes about D (which is true) and so if we were Dd it would at least stop that. He is right and I told him so.

This is hurting so much but I have to do it.