I know you are worried about him, and not without reason, but make sure you don't forget to take care of BA! It just struck me that he has made this all about him, and he is pulling you into his drama. I know you want to be there, and help to save him from himself, but I am starting to wonder if that is a good thing for either one of you. I am really thinking that you should try to detach from his drama, and let him deal with it. Maybe when he starts talking about his true love MOW, you could tel him you don't want to know, and walk away? I'm really bothered by the cuddling, too. I am torn there, I know you like it, and maybe it is helping to keep a connection, but it feels to me that he is just using you to fill in what is missing from his "dream" relationship. I don't know, I am thinking aloud here, but I am wondering if you 'availableness' is making it too easy for him to keep living in his fantasy world. The question I can't figure out the answer to is whether that is better than the alternative....I just don't know.
I do think that some people (not all) can be "in love" or love two people at the same time. I was in this position in the past and for a while you can be in two minds. I wouldnt reccomend it (it does your head in) and I wont be doing it ever again, I've learnt my lesson...but I wonder if although he has these yearnings for an MOW, the other side of him could well still feel genuinely attached to you BA. In my own case, unfortunately the feelings for the OM took precedence because it was exciting and its kind of unrequited love, so it keeps you hooked in. But behind that, I could see deep down I was making a mistake and I still loved my BF and was committed to him. Your H hasnt made a move to leave, so he must still be committed to you?
Ali x -------------------- Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 3 months on
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thanks for your post....I believe there is still a connection there...otherwise how can he tell me he loves me at the end of every phone call...or when he leaves the house? How can he lay and hold me and tell me he loves me...but then get up and walk into the other room to sleep? I feel the connection and the confusion...see the confusion in his face...see the hurt in his eyes. He still contends that he doesn't know...????
I'm just hangin on...taking the good days and cherishing them and trying to survive the bad ones! I'm really focusing on NOT dwelling on his lunches and calls to MOW...they no longer meet after work and into the evenings which is a step in the right direction.
H still talks about the future...things we should do or places we should go...want to buy me a better bike so we can do this midnight bike ride/race through Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs in June...??? (I have alot of training to do...haven't gone farther than 6 miles...and this race is more like 20) (oh, and I don't think I'd be racing anyone but myself).
He has days that are sooooo normal...and then days of complete dispair, withdrawl, depression, as you know from reading my thread. I tend to handle things fairly well, but when he starts talking crazy, I fall apart!
I'm really focusing on my PMA too...that helps tremendously, especially when I let my mind start wandering and worrying about things...if I focus on me, myself and I, then I can generally work through the chaos.
Just hang in there and keep doing what your doing....we're all going to get through these sitchs and be better people when we come out on the other side!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Hi ba- You are doing really well considering the ups and downs. Ahhh, what we would give to get our dull and boring lives back. Anyway, sounds like you have a lot of positives in your sitch...especially your attitude. Keep it going...and get busy biking.
It just struck me that he has made this all about him, and he is pulling you into his drama. I know you want to be there, and help to save him from himself, but I am starting to wonder if that is a good thing for either one of you. I am really thinking that you should try to detach from his drama, and let him deal with it.
BA - what do you think about DH comments? I think DH has some good insight and I lean towards this way of thinking - how would you feel about doing a 180 and not being so available?
You mentioned somewhere that you aren't sure if your H is in MLC or not. From what I've read of your situation your H definitely is going through some sort of crisis. I've lived through a year of hell with my H when he went through a crisis (maybe MLC maybe not) - and I cant believe your strength, it is SO hard to detach when they are in the same house. I would love to know your 'secret'!
How do you feel you are going with GAL? You dont mention it much in your posts - but you must be doing some of it to be able to draw your inner strength the way that you are.
Just wondering if there is a way you could create more mystery, and make him wonder what is going on with you?
I'm being nosy.... but are you ever tempted to let MOW's H find out about affair? Its definitely not a DB move, but I know I would be tempted!
I hope you're having a good weekend. I loved Jeff's advice about stepping off the rollercoaster- he is not just a pretty face!! I agree that keeping the connection is good- from reading your posts, it is obvious that your H needs and wants you in his life, and that he is terribly confused within himself.
Also loved this quote
Originally Posted By: ba065
I'm really focusing on my PMA too...that helps tremendously, especially when I let my mind start wandering and worrying about things...if I focus on me, myself and I, then I can generally work through the chaos.
BA- you are such an inspiration!
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
Happy Valentines Day everyone....I hope today was a special day for you regardless of where everyone is on this ride....hope you took time out for yourselves today!
I haven't posted for awhile....ups and downs galore here!
After 6 months of feeling that H was always out on his bike to get away from me, he surprised me...Last Saturday H bought me a new road bike. We rode 21.7 miles Saturday, 10.3 miles Sunday (before I pooped out...then H went another 8 or 9) and 8.5 on Tuesday after work before dark...it was pretty cold Tuesday! I was really surprised how much I enjoyed it. My new bike is much lighter weight than the mountain bike I'd been riding, so it is much easier to tackle the hills around here on the lighter bike! The only downside is being out in the traffic...which I'm getting used to. We had a really great weekend together...went to church and country dance lessons on Sunday night. Things seemed to be looking up. I feel like this is really great exercise...my muscles haven't been sore, however my behind doesn't like the seat too much!!! I have a few bumps and bruises...I got clip in shoes and peddals and it took me a few falls to figure out how to unclick my shoes before I stopped.
Tuesday night after the bike ride things went downhill. H seemed down and depressed again...stressed about school and work...and MOW...??? I got sucked into the drama and had a setback..we ended up in an argument....sometimes I just can't pull myself away.....hit me with a 2x4.... Anyway by last night things were a bit better...we had dinner out...but then pretty much had the evening to ourselves...doing our own things. H hasn't been cuddling with me this week...which I miss terribly, but I'm giving him his space and not saying anything about it.
I gave him a fairly generic V-D card...something about loving him in good times and bad, sunny or rainy days....he seemed to appreciate it and thanked me....wished me a Happy V Day too. He invited me to lunch and we had Mexican food...yum....conversation seemed strained and his attention was all over the place. I'm sure he's busy trying to figure out when he'll see MOW and what he's going to do for her...???? But whatever happens it is out of my control and I'm trying not to dwell on it. He has class tonight and probably will be gone from 5:30-10:00. I kind of enjoy school night because I have time to do everything I put off when we're together so that I'm ready for whatever he suggests we do that day/night. I should make school nights my ME nights...but haven't taken that step yet.
Both kids are coming home for the weekend so that will be a change from the past month...I'll be glad to see them and hope we all have an enjoyable weekend together. H usually gets stressed out when they are home..doesn't like them making a mess or sitting in front of the TV all the time...they're college kids...that's what they do...but the things H used to not mind seem to really upset him now....we'll all be on eggshells this weekend.
I've missed talking to all of you...I've been keeping up on your threads but I don't always post to them....I'll try to do better, but if you don't hear from me, please know that all of you are in my thoughts and prayers...and I'm out here lurking!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
(((((BA)))) The bike rides sound like fun! I think I am going to have to look in the garage, and see what I can fix myself up with, and see if I remember how to ride! I little bit of getting in shape wouldn't be a bad thing!
I'm glad you got to have lunch with H today, even if he was ADD and all over the place! Of course it might just be that I like Mexican food!
You are probably right, it would be a good thing to come up with something to do for you on his school nights. On the other hand, it might be a good thing on other nights (now and then), too. It seems to me he just assumes you will always be there, it might be good to change that a little!
It's sad that you and the kids have to be on eggshells when they come home! He should be happy that they are comfortable coming home! So many kids want to get out, and don't want to come back. At least you will get to enjoy them being there!
I hope the rest of your Valentine's day is good, and that you have a great evening!
