Trying to be patient

[Michael Mc C]

Nope, nobody's going to beat you up about anything you've done. What they (we) will do is simply point out areas where you may need to make some adjustments...

Lots of quotes below, please bear with me:

I said something like well, you shouldn't worry about me, you should just be focused on your own counseling. And that's all I said.

I think this was perfect. "I am taking care of me, don't need you concern. You should be concerned about YOU"

THIS...

I've done a great job with my therapy and working on myself and most people would be amazed at what I've accomplished in many areas pretty quickly

COUPLED WITH THIS...

Yes, I think you've done a great job, but I just wanted you to know where we still are.

...is great, if you are in fact working on acceptance. You do NOT need to accept that divorce is a foregone conclusion but you DO have to be able to accept it if it comes to this. You have done a fantastic job but you still have some work to do, which has been made clear through your past few posts. I'm not criticizing I'm just trying to point out that until you are truly able to see a full life without your husband, you will never be truly detached and HE will never see what he is going to lose.

something in me just wanted him to have his favorite shirts and everything, even though he treats me like dirt

I don't think anyone would put you down for showing your husband love. My first thought when I read this was "damn, she loves him". My second thought, of course, was "she needs to stop taking care of him." As much as it goes against your nature, you should NOT take any part in this area of his life. Let him plan and prepare for his adulterous weekend. I hope that you will NEVER help him, in any way, to nurture this relationship of his in the future.

if they breakup H might want to work on our marriage I think

This is a thought I have had many times but let me tell you, don't count on it - not by default anyway (besides you don't want him coming back just because his fantasy didn't work out). In my sitch, and many other, once the A is over, the WAS still feels there is a need to divorce. "There must have been something wrong in the marriage for this to happen anyway so why would I want to fix things?"

Do NOT invest hope into this happening right away. I don't mean that it's hopeless, I mean that don't expect that if things end for them (I'm praying for that!!) he may very well feel a D is still a necessity. I'll explain my take on my own sitch:

My Wife told me when the OM left this last time that she had a hole that she hasn't felt before. Funny enough, she agreed that this hole did not exist before she met OM - i.e., the relationship part of her life was fulfilled by our marriage. The relationship with OM took time to grow, she slowly invested more time in THAT relationship and had less to invest HERE. She ended up replacing the intimacy that we shared with the intimacy that THEY shared. When he left, there was no longer a source of intimacy. There's nothing there. She looks at me and says "I got nothing..."

95% of the time we are friendly and laughing and get along great which I do try to post as well, then he will do something outrageous to convince me, (but I think also himself), or both that we will be getting divorced. Which I think is weird that you have to be convincing yourself or your spouse that divorce is happening by purposely acting rude

This is a WAS tactic. As long as things seem happy and everyone is getting along then their actions ARE accepted. Learn from others who have been there. Getting along does not mean he is holding on to hopes that your marriage is salvagable. It's harsh, maybe, but he is playing you. His joking, laughing, getting along and being friendly is his way of feeling that you have accepted the situation. My wife played me this way. What really sucks is that you have to look past how good it feels to get along with him and remember that he wants to leave.

I am going to talk to my counselor this Thursday about all of this

Please do. Talk about all of it, including the laundry.

A boundary is not a boundary if you're OK with its crossing once or twice

Very well said Choc, very well said.

If it were ME, the next time he did it, I think his SIM card would mysteriously disappear from the phone, and the battery contacts would suddenly stop working because it's funny how that clear nail polish doesn't really conduct electricity too well, don'tchaknow.

Ha ha! I was snooping months ago and found that my wife was going to send a picture from her cell phone. A few interesting things happened that night. Somehow (one of the kids maybe?) a Sharpie was used on the lens of her camera phone and the pictures weren't coming out too clear. In addition to that, the contacts somehow were no longer MAKING contact (black electrical tape, cut just the right way, looks so natural in the phone - I love the nail polish idea though). Then there was the final incident where the SIM card got fried (something electrical in the phone I guess). In my opinion, however, it looked like someone had held the SIM card over a candle for a few moments, but I'm just a layman...