Ok, here is my new thread so the old one doesn't lock up on me.
The latest update is as follows...
I just had to spend $1300 on fixing our 1995 Civic because I can't afford to finance a divorce and a new car right now. I know W is going to be irate at this, but I had no choice as I need transportation. The six mile round-trip walk did me some good though as I haven't been able to pull myself together and exercise since D-Day on Tuesday. I need to get that part going again.
Also, she is hoping to have us sell the house, but the market here is really, really bad. So bad that I think we'd probably only clear $50K once the debts are paid. That really isn't much of a nest egg to start off with, but this is something W didn't consider.
The house needs a new roof, new carpeting and new drapes in the bedroom, at least. All those things will either cost a ton of money to get the house in shape to sell or will end up lowering the price we can receive for the place. All in all, not a good time to start doing this.
I'm going to be looking at cutting back some costs here and there to save as much money as we can during this time. So much for aggressively paying down debt in 2008!
I've finished packing up her clothes in the bedroom and now all I have left is the bathroom stuff. It was very tough to put the lingere, bras, and underwear in the boxes because as I was folding them, the memories of passion came flooding back. Not a fun thing to have to do, gentlemen. I hope you can avoid having to do this.
So you know, I've done my best to fold everything as neatly as possible for her and I even included all her hangers so she'll be able to put them away immediately.
Ok, that is it for this post. I'll put up another one and talk about contact with the W today. RTL
W sent a text this afternoon worried about her stuff and the police. I replied the police were there as a "neutral 3rd party" only.
She immediately called me and I decided to answer it because she knew I had it due to the text reply I had sent.
In any event, she asked why she couldn't go in the house b/c she's part owner. I told her, I was told not to let her in b/c she had left.
W: "That is not what my L told me." M: "That is what my L told me and that is why they need to talk."
I then told her "I don't want to do this but I have to legally to protect myself. Plus, I don't know what you've told your father, so I need a neutral witness present in case he's upset."
I added: "As far as me not contacting D, it isn't by choice but b/c I shouldn't be talking to you right now b/c we're involved in a legal dispute. Our Ls haven't talked w/ each other yet."
W: "You know, the longer this goes and the more things we can't settle b/t us, the more it is going to cost." M: "I'm aware of this."
W: "I don't understand. You know I'll be fair." M: "I don't know what to think right now, honestly. You also said I'd have a year and I got less than 6 months."
Silence for about a minute or more then she said she'd see me at 2 tomorrow.
So, that is where we left it. Her parents fly in tonight and I get to keep packing up her stuff and wonder when I get to see my girl.
I don't know if I was confrontational or not with her. I tried to stay non-committal about the R stuff, but I did mention the time frame change at the end, which probably should have been left out.
In any event, I'll send her a text telling my D goodnight and I love her and hello to her parents (I really, really like them, and they really like me as well -- or at least used to. Who really knows now?).
Other than that, I think I'm done with packing her stuff for tonight. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do to GAL.
Talk to you later tonight? Who knows at this stage? I will check back b/c I'd like to get input on my conversation with the W.
Hey RTL...as for the parents...my BF mum supported him in his decision, but when I saw her she burst into tears! They will support your W, but with a D involved, they must surely not be too pleased with her decision? I'm sure they do still like you, but it will be awkward for them tommorow, she is their D afterall.
Just an idea..can you cancel the cop for tommorow !?? Seems a bit heavy handed?? Cant you just trust her and her Dad to behave well? I dont really understand the need for the cop and it seems very sad. She didnt sound pleased about it either and you need to show her you've made changes, all that 180 stuff? Also, why not let her in the house, despite what your L said? Seems you need to behave in ways shes not expecting. If I were you, I'd be there on my own and just let her come and get her stuff. Despite the L advice!
As for being on your own, swallow your pride and ring a married mate. Arrange to go over, even for an hour or two, I know they are all M, but you will probs get tea and sympathy from their W and you need a bit of that!
Ali _________________ Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I know the parents are going to take W's side. They have to. However, I do know that both of them (her dad, especially) were very, very ticked when she 1st started talking about leaving the marriage. I'm pretty sure things will go well tomorrow, but I really don't know what stories she's created for her parents. I only know they've received only her version and anyone who had read any of my threads knows that is a few steps shy of reality most of the time.
As for the police tomorrow, my heart is breaking, but it is something I'm forced to do because of my W's emotional instability and with the way she threw down the gauntlet by having me served then disappearing w/ my daughter. I'd love to be able to trust her, but I just can't right now. I have to keep my guard up right now because I don't have a clue what is going on in her head.
However, by me having the police there and sticking to the L's advice, I will be pulling a complete 180 because she is expecting me to simply roll over and allow her to do whatever she wishes, including taking my D. I'm not going to be mean and nasty in any way. Instead, I'm just going to be a gentleman and if she wants to talk, I'll just tell her "we really need to not do this now until our L's have sorted things out."
I hate having to do it, but I really don't have much choice, to be honest. I'm also supposed to change the alarm code, which I'll inform her of tomorrow. I'm sure she'll love that one as well. Not sure I'll be doing it yet, but I have to let her know about it.
Speaking of how up and down she is, I just got a text from her that said D misses me, but isn't ready to come home yet b/c she's having fun on her "adventure" w/ mommy. But the last line of the text is "hope u r ok."
This is coming off the heels of our conversation earlier this afternoon where she was mad at the end. She is completely up and down right now, so, unfortunately, this is just more proof that I have to stick to my guns a bit tomorrow and keep the neutral 3rd party around or who knows how she may look to spin this encounter if she needs an ace somewhere.
I hate playing this role right now, but because I truly love her, I am willing to ultimately risk having her hate me forever in return for her getting the help she needs to get mentally and psychologically better for herself and our D.
I'm still going to try like mad to save the marriage and bust this divorce, but if it can't happen, my goal after the well-being of our D, is to find a way to help my W.
I hate being in love. I hate being the one left behind. However, it is the fate I've been given by the powers that be, so I have to either continue on or call it quits.
My momma didn't raise no quitter! So, onward I fight.
Also, she is hoping to have us sell the house, but the market here is really, really bad. So bad that I think we'd probably only clear $50K once the debts are paid. That really isn't much of a nest egg to start off with, but this is something W didn't consider.
This stuff gets expensive really quick, even if you ignore the actual real costs (lawyer, relocation, etc). So far my W has ~$15k in loans on her 401k, I lost maybe $50k when I sold my house and there are countless other expenses from her moving, me moving, and trying to make two homes out of one. I'd guesstimate it's probably $10k, easily.
Even now, with my W and I spending pretty much every day together, it's expensive. We went to Wal-mart today and Target tonight. Pretty much everything 'we' bought, we bought two of - "I like this lamp". One for my house, one for her house. Need something for D? One for my house, one for her house.
I guess money isn't really important since I get to spend time with my W, but it doesn't make it any less retarded.
I'm going to go back and read through your threads - My e-mail was messed up today, so I'm really out of the loop.
It is sickening having to have the police involved, but I suspect your L knows best. It is best to be safe. I saw what happened to my brother when his ex-W and evil MIL began the D without his knowlege. He was gone working and they cleaned out the house and took his S2 and he did not see the S2 for several months, and when he did, it was under supervision with the MIL smiling as if she had won something.
So I guess your L is taking the strike hard and strike fast stategy. Keep in mind that you can always tell the L to back off if things are not going the way you want them too.
Who knows, this might be considered the final last resort technique - shock and awe could cause her to come to an awakening of what she is doing to your family. I believe that me filing D in my situation has now caused my W to come around to the point of wanting to come back, but I dont know if I want her back now.
The whole police involvement business is something that is very tough for me to stomach as well.
I am not entirely sure that it is necessary. Sure, it is a precaution but you have to weigh out benefits versus risks. Hard for me to say. For me personally, I don't think I could follow that advice fm L. Think it through carefully.
KerryK
Interesting to hear you say that it seems like your W is showing sign like she might try and crawl back. What are the signs?
Tigard is a wonderful part of the world. I'm from Bellingham, WA, but I've always wanted to relocate my family to the Portland area. I just love Portland.
The police issue eats at me. On one hand, I hate it fully. It isn't what I want. However, on the other hand, I'm not sure what to expect from my W right now. She is an emotional roller coaster. One day up, the next day down. What if tomorrow is a down day and I don't have a witness?
After tomorrow, I will not involve the police. Instead, I will allow her to ocme over, but I'll make sure she'll swear not to cause an arugment. I do agree that the 1st time needs to be as my L advised so she'll get the message we are in the real world here.
I think my W has the feeling she can just D me and all her concerns and troubles will go away. I'm very, very sad to have to be playing in the real world with this and if we didn't have a D involved, I'd probably let her go her own way to avoid the hassle and heartache.
The problem with that is I can't. I have more at stake than just my pride here. I have a child and a family. My W isn't thinking clearly and she needs a friend more now than ever. How can I say I love her if I abandon her now, in her greatest time of need? She may tell me to go, but a true friend will take the arrows and not run from the difficulties.
I can't run now, but I also have to stand my ground in the process. My world is not a pleasant one now, but if I can get through this first week, I can handle anything. Right now the emotions are so raw and real that it is a bit scary.
Patience and time are my friends in this endevour. I know my L thinks I'm a bit nuts (or daft for Brit in OH), but I'm determined to be the one client that he has ever had that makes him think twice before telling the next poor served Joe that his marriage is hopeless and he won't win his wife back.
I'm going to continue to do my damnest to beat the odds. I may end up being Don Quixote charging the windmill, but at least in the end, I'll be able to say I really, really tried to take that windmill down.
I have so much that I want to say to you. I am feeling pretty weary fm this harsh week we have both been through so I will keep my comments to a minimum for right now and will drop you a longer post tomorrow sometime.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and the family.
Christ went through immense suffering in payment for my sins and everyone elses and so the suffering that I am made to endure now will always pale by comparison.
