I let my h be my caretaker. I allowed him to do everything.
This is another kind of "caretaker". A people pleaser. One way of of dealing is to let another make all the decisions, in that way there is no conflict, well except inside where you are totally denying your needs and then depressed about it. Its a very common issue, the flip side of the same coin. A caretaker is some who denies there own needs to please another.
In the end we all, no matter where we came from, must get to a place where we know who we are, are able to honestly express to another who we are and what we feel, are able to take responsibility for who we are, what we feel and do, and in doing all this are able to see others for who they are.
Once we know, accept, and "take care" of ourselves it is a whole lot easier to see others as others and accept them.
BTW, nobody DESERVES to be cheat on. The fact that people do it in NO WAY means you deserve it or that you CAUSED it or that you are to blame. Stop even thinking about it.
There may be things that you did to contribute to problems in your marriage. Those things are worth thinking about as knowing your part will help create a better marriage with your H..or if that doesn't happen, with a new marriage later in life. But a marriage is TWO people, no one person is at fault. It is an interaction. Both people contribute to the good and bad. What is important is to know what's you, because that's all you can do anything about.
When I lost it last week with my ex, I told him "there is no excuse for cheating on your spouse, none, so stop with all your dam excuses". He said, "Yeah your right"
I think that will be about all the apology I will ever get. He still does not really get it.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Well, some never do. Since all this started in my life I have heard every version of every outcome possible. Some come back and stay, so come and go, some never return and leave OW, some marry OW and stay married, some don't, the list goes on.
I am not sure how many leave and want to return but the LBS says no. It's all a mess as far as I can see. The bottom line, if people can, someone will. Before all this, I knew of affairs... some friends and my mom and sister (both stayed with the H they cheated on), but never realized how many people do this or that my H would. Actually, I did see my H as someone who could cross the line for a night, he has that wandering eye. In fact I think he thought that he could do that with this OW...but he picked a crazy person.
Trusting,
Someway, somehow we all have to get past the anger and hurt. Not for them, but for us. We only have one life (as far as I know) and why waste it being angry or hurt because someone we love is a nincomepoop? No, better to accept that people just do things that hurt others and haven't a clue. Some of them don't even intend to hurt people. They just live on a different planet then the rest of us.
Thanks Short, I dont know if I made it clear, but I do not for one minute think that I deserve to be cheated on. Of that I am sure. But I am trying to sort out my responsibility in the breakdown of my marriage. I am doing it for me. So I understand me better, so that I dont do it in the future with whomever I am with. I am trying, in all this, to find and understand me. I am not trying to understand my h because I know it is not possible to get inside another person's head.
I know it is not possible to get inside another person's head.
So right you are. Plus think of the mess in there!! I know you don't think you deserve to be cheated on, sorry if I implied that. I do know one of the MLCer's excuses is the marriage made me do it, at least in my H's case. He has often used the bad marriage excuse with me and others. I don't buy it. Yes there were things that could have been better, but then why not address them? Just doesn't add up.
My H has stepped through the looking glass as far as I can see. Think I will not follow.
But I am trying to sort out my responsibility in the breakdown of my marriage. I am doing it for me. So I understand me better, so that I dont do it in the future with whomever I am with.
A W E S O M E
There are days I come here and wonder if anyone has a clue. Then, I see these words of yours, dippy, and all I can say is that anyone who comes here should read, no devour, those word. Excellent.
Thanks Imp, that means alot. I know I have a long way to go, believe me. But I am searching my soul, looking at things I have never looked at about myself before and addressing things that I hope will lead to a healthier me.
You're welcome. And dippy, the thing is that even now all these years later, I still have things to change. It is a lifelong process. We should always be growing.
